Clover Lane

Some things I have to remember about this precious girl at age four-

I am always writing funny things she says down.  I want to remember them forever.  Jeff took her to Five Guys one day for lunch and when we drove past weeks later I couldn't understand what she was saying-she said, "I love that place, that's where I want to go!"  She kept saying, "Everything Guy!"  I finally understood what she was talking about. She calls Hobby Lobby "hobby wobby". She has the cutest little voice ever. I know I will watch videos when she is older and cry at the sound of her little baby voice.

Her two favorites foods are french fries and ketchup.  A close second potato chips and dip.  So healthy!  She also loves granola with strawberries in it, thank the Lord, and will eat most everything.

She is starting to get feistier with her brothers.  "Don't touch my stuff Patrick!" that sort of thing. But the minute Patrick leaves to go to school she says she misses him.  She misses Abbey terribly.

She will play with her kitchen and her babies all day long. She is a pack rat. I call it the natural "gatherer" in girls that make these little ones pack all sorts of things in every bag they can find.  She once walked down with a backpack on front and one in the back, carrying two purses stuffed full of things.

She has the ability to go from crying to laughing in seconds.  Which is why we can recognize easily the "faker" in her.  The boys can make her crack up in the middle of sobbing.  It's the cutest thing.

She is and always has been my buddy. She goes with my everywhere and is always so good.  But she is very shy and won't say hi to anyone, or answer their questions. I am sure she will outgrow this with a little prodding.

Her favorite movies are Sound of Music, any Curious George shows, and Mary Poppins.

Her favorite thing to do ever is to play with our neighbor who is six years older than her. She talks about Mary Carol every day and her whole face lights up when she hears a knock on the door.

She is so flexible but how can one not be if they are #6? And I guess we do have long slow days together so there is that consistency but weekend games, or mom and dad having to go to a meeting, or geez, the older kids coming and going, I always wonder what might go through her head with all the activity around here. My mom told me once though that I was her "constant"-it is true I guess, I am almost always here, and we are together a ton. (Not that she doesn't love her daddy, she sure does.)

I try really hard to not go back and think about "the last time I'll have an infant or baby or 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 year old in the house".  It's too hard too live that way. It's like the "live every day like your last" quote-I always think  "if I did that everyone in my house wouldn't be clothed, educated and we would all be starving".  I do and always will miss my baby days. I will always wish I would have babies forever, honestly, but I guess I'd have to admit that I also don't picture me aging at the same time as having babies forever, so there you go.  I have pictures up of the three oldest ones when they were all at home together playing-I try not to idealize those days but they were so different than now and there was something so special about them-not that I knew that then, I didn't so much.  Motherhood is such a journey-the things I worried about when the oldest were young, or the things I hear younger mothers stressing about today-most of them aren't worth the space in our brains.

I was thinking about what advice I'd give to my own children when they become parents and wives/husbands.  I should start writing down little snippets.  There is so much margin in how you raise kids, but there is sometimes not too. Sometimes there is just "this is right" and "this is wrong."  I think when kids start to grow up too, you see that some super super good parents, have adult children that make decision that crush them or maybe even just merely disappoint.  And children from parents who were downright neglectful or irresponsible in their parenting, sometimes have a child or children escape from that and become stellar adults and parents themselves.  There is no ONE thing that has to happen to "make our kids turn out" ok.  If it was that easy.  It's so much care, and concern and prayers and love and attention and sacrifice.  And with all that, life happens and there are things that affect these children, individual circumstances, tragedies, hardships, just LIFE that affect them also-good and bad.

I know that I also, looking back, would tell myself first to stop worrying so much about this or that. Just love them, and be with them, and thoroughly enjoy them. But I can see myself in 15 years, telling myself the same thing about the teen/young adult years too-asking myself why I worried so much, and why I just didn't put those worries aside and not let those worries invade the joy of raising the kids.  I can make the excuse (and it's a valid one) of how hard this culture is for parents today, but there is good to be found everywhere too.

A friend and I were talking about this the other day.  I was listing out loud to her some thoughts in my head about "what I wanted" for my children.  If I'm honest with myself, it was what would make ME feel like I did what I set out to do with all the hard work I have done. Any by the time I got to number ten I was laughing at myself.  We were both cracking up.  Because honestly, it's ok to have high expectations, but as my friend put it best is "what you want is heaven". Heaven, where everything is just smooth and perfect, and there is no struggle, no heartbreak, no hard lessons full of learning opportunities, and nothing to ever worry the parents or nothing to ever break my heart to see my child, no matter how old, walk through.  No weight on my shoulders, no pride lost, no humble learning experiences for me, no late night begging prayers of "please God".  Just happy happy kids and gloriously awesome grandkids with no struggles of their own? Ridiculous. That's not life!  That's heaven!  And as wonderful as heaven sounds, I would choose to be here and struggle through it all, to celebrate the joys of the journey and find grace when the journey gets more difficult.  Even looking back as a parent for 22 years, which is not that long, the "tough" parts-watching a child struggle with school work or with fear, helping a teen with heart break, or dealing with disappointment over a mistake they've made and pushing through that correction with them, seeing them grow-those days are looked on as just as precious as the "easy" days too.  What a gift to witness-those times have forced my growth as much as theirs, if not more so.

Sorry for the ramble, this was supposed to be a post about things I don't want to forget about Janey.

Happy Groundhog Day!  I'll take the sunshine, shadow or not.

I forgot to tell the story about this cake, and I want to remember it.  I have a history of cake stories-nightmares/terrible cake turn-outs/toddler stepping square in center etc. and here is one for the books,.

I found this gem on Pinterest and knew it was perfect for Jeff.  It ended up being a little bit of a hassle because my normal grocery store wouldn't do it-something about no free-hand drawing (which would apply to the underwear?)  I had to stop at another store and show them the pic I wanted and all the bakery ladies cracked up and said, "Sure we will do this."  I am not picky about colors etc, just wanted it off my list!  When I went to pick it up (with kids) they had forgotten to write Happy Birthday Jeff and I asked if they could do it then.  The only person working was not someone who looked like she wanted to be working anywhere, and she scribbled it quickly and it looked awful (this is from me who is NOT picky at all!)  I went to leave (I hate complaining) but then said, "Heck I'm having it redone, it looks awful and costs a pretty penny."  I found a different bakery lady because I didn't want to hurt the original "scribbler/no effort" girl's feelings and this nice older lady fixed it up so it matched and one could read it. I had to wait another 10 minutes though.

I'm thinking, "All for a darn cake, I have a million things to do!"  such as make an entire dinner for 50 people.

We finally got home and I took in the groceries and someone is relaying a phone message to me and it's all chaotic and I hear a little voice at the screen door in the garage saying, "Mom, mom, can you help me?"  And I peer out the door and Janey has the entire HUGE sheet cake in her hands and is trying to set it down while she opens the door and climbs up the steps to come in.  She actually managed to finagle the box out of the trunk of my mini-van and walk all the way from the driveway into the garage with it.  It was twice her size!!!

I said, "Oh no no no no no.  Mommy will do that."  I said it quite energetically I am sure.  She said, "Mom I'm just trying to help!" in an exasperated tone.

The cake AMAZINGLY was NO worse for the wear-maybe a little side-smudging on one side but I was thanking my lucky stars.  This one will go down in my cake history as my lucky break.

1. How you adore The Sound of Music soundtrack in the car and we've listened to it so many times we all want to hurl ourselves out of the doors into fast moving traffic.  Seriously, Patrick says, "Mom I can't do this anymore! My head hurts!"  Of course I let you listen when you are running errands with me during the day, and sometimes I look back and your mouth is in a perfect O as you are belting out the tunes. You know them all by heart and sing them around the house. I love when your little voice goes into the shaky church lady or opera singer mode.

2. All your faces and expressions. You have so many. No one but us gets to see this side of you as you are incredibly shy around anyone else.  But you are silly.  Dad often says you are the funniest of all the kids.  And your laugh is so so contagious. If Matt gets you going, you laugh so hard you can't catch your breath. No one in this world could keep a straight face when you laugh.

3.Your dancing skills are superb.  I am holding off as long as I can before I get you in a dance class but I know you will be in heaven. You love to dance.

4.Today as we left school after the geography bee you said, "I didn't get to see my Bubby!" You adore Patrick and he adores you back just as much.

5. How if someone asks you if you want more food or drink, you say, "I'm fine, I'm fine" like you are thirty years old and don't want another refill.  I have no idea where you got this but it makes me laugh every time.

6. Your incredible passionate love of babies. You notice them everywhere and can't take your eyes off of them. You put your hands together and say "tiny tiny baby" when you see a newborn. You play with your babies all the time, wrapping them up and shushing them and bouncing them-you have the mom bounce down already and you are only three! I wonder what God's plan is with this, seeing that you would just die and go to heaven if you could experience a baby sibling. I ask you how many babies you will have when you are a mommy and you say fourteen. Maybe that's the plan.

7. You love clothes but you hate having your hair washed, combed, brushed, done in any way. A bow or rubber band never lasts more than one hour.

You are such a joy to have around and your "three" can't be cuter. I try not to think of you turning four next year, because I know that at that age you will be more kid than toddler, and when I think of that it feels like my breath gets knocked out of me.  How fast time flies!

Janey was 11 months on Tuesday!  I am, more than ever this month, repeating this quote in my head:

I was sorting her clothes last night (she was undoing what I was doing as quick as it can be done, sitting next to me) and I had to choke back tears at how fast she is growing out of the tiny socks and pajamas.  And then I think, "But next year, she'll be toddling all over, talking, almost ready to be potty-trained..." and I caught myself.  Because here she is next to me, the most adorable nine month old ever, and I am wasting my time, thinking about TIME, fearing my "lasts", worrying about how fast it's all going-instead of enjoying the moment.  And all those moments add up to time, and there you go.  It works...shutting my brain up and enjoying the moment, I just have to remind myself to do it often.

Oh, Janey is the sweetest little baby in the world and brightens every day.  I'm sure every mother thinks the same thing, because what is there not to adore about these soft, cuddly, innocent, bright-eyed humans that look at their moms with adoring eyes and always have a smile?   Patrick asked me at the dinner table the other day if I could have 'five-ten-thousand' babies, would I?  I said yes, but not all at once, and only every two or three years to space them apart, and if I could stay the same age and never grow old so I'd have the energy for them.  That's a lot of "ifs" but by golly, I mean it.  He told me he's going to have that many babies.  I wonder if his future wife knows of his big plans. :)

I am trying to not full-on-panic about the fact that her first birthday is 3 months away.  It's almost a punched-in-the-gut feeling when I think about it. I know my baby will always be my baby, but when babies turn one they look different-they get longer and leaner and wear shoes and start to walk, and they don't look like "wrapped up in a blanket" babies anymore, and oh boy, I am not ready for her to be a toddler as much as I love that stage also.  I wish I could double time my life right now...like make every day last twice as long.  I think I might be crazy.  But I'm ok with crazy, especially when it comes to this part of my life-it's my whole life-being a mom, and I love it so much.  I was hooked when Isaac, my first, was born, and I wish it could just go on forever and ever and ever-babies in my home forever, shining their little light to all.

Janey starts in one place and as soon as I leave the room, I come back minutes later to find her magically transported to another place-as far as she can manage away from the place where I set her.  She gets herself into some little jams once in awhile and it's quite comical to see.  Babies are so fun and I can't imagine my life without one in my home.

Janey is 6 months old now and starting to get all "flappy".  Meaning she wants to move, but can't get her arms and legs to do what she wants them to-she just flaps her arms and legs back and forth like a turtle on it's back-and doesn't go anywhere.  Soon it will all come together for her and she'll be off and scooting/crawling/running all over town.

. :)

Who wouldn't want to wake up to this every morning?

Even when I don't get much sleep, or have a harried morning with the older kids, (no peanut butter in the jar, missing homework, "you must wear a coat" arguments) this little smiling face turns my day around.  I can feel my whole heart relax and fill up with love.  Forget the little stuff, love is where it's at. Corny, but true.

I am joining Stephanie (I'm a little late and probably won't be as reliable) in her annual November thanksgiving posts.  November goes by so fast and almost seems to disappear as we all prepare for that big ol' month that follows.  It sort of gets the short end of the stick, don't you think?  Because there is nothing like being grateful and giving thanks for all I have-it makes me feel content and peaceful and just really really happy.


So today I am thankful for my little Janey.  Babies are precious gifts from heaven.  There is nothing that makes me happier than a baby in my arms.  She is perfect in every way, fits right into our family, and I know she and I are going to have great fun in my old age. :)  I am SO thankful she is our little caboose.  I adore her.

Right now:
I do everything one-handed and leave just about every task half-finished.  This can be really frustrating, as it takes double the time to do anything, and there is hardly ever a sense of accomplishment.

I know babies cry, it's natural, but it makes me feel awful.  On the changing table, in the car, it doesn't matter where, I hate it and I have to stop it as soon as I possible.  This also makes me tense.  Which then makes me snappy and irritable sometimes.  Then I feel guilty for being snappy and irritable.

Guilt and doubt are feelings I fight.  Guilt for paying little attention to anyone on those fussy baby days.  Self-doubt creeps in easily when I'm exhausted.  I hardly feel like I can give anyone their fair share of me.

I sometimes wear the same outfit for days.  No, I always wear the same outfit for days.  I usually don't have time for makeup or hair.  I take 2 minute showers every other day. I have huge under eye circles from waking up at night.  My hair is always in a pony tail. The other day I had to run into the local grocery store and as I'm entering the store, I'm checking to see if my nursing bra is latched, and pulling a dorky clip off the top of head where I stuck it there that morning and totally forgot about it.  Not an ounce of makeup.  Baggy yoga pants.  I looked like I just woke up after a hard night partying.  I look like that more days than not.

When my husband complains of being tired I can shoot daggers out of my eyes and sometimes I have to bite my lip and sometimes I don't and just say, "Do you really want to complain to me about that?"

And in spite of all this, I look at this precious little tiny baby girl and I love her so much my heart can burst.

She outgrew a few outfits this week.  I went to put them on her and they were too short.  Patrick and I were paging through his scrapbook last week and I looked at his first year...how quickly they go from those beginning unpredictable tiny need infants, to babies who sit up on their own, and then crawl, and eat food, and walk away, and then run.  I told the kids the other day, "This time next year, Janey will be playing in the back yard with you!"  It panics me a little when I see her getting bigger, even though I know my life will get easier.  I used to feel impatient waiting for that next milestone, the next phase of parenting, but I know that it's a precious piece of time that is gone quicker than I can notice it leaving.  And that every baby I was gifted with is so worth every sacrifice, short-cut, and compromise I can make.