Clover Lane

I am going to be very transparent in this post, which is brave, so I am taking a deep breath to hit publish.

My quote this week was on perfectionism, something I realized about a year ago that I really, really struggled with, and have worked hard to improve upon.  I always thought perfectionism could be explained as paying way too much attention to detail-having to have that cupcake look Martha Stewart perfect, or my hair and makeup just so.  That wasn't me, so I never gave it much thought.  I learned with help that it is typical to think that is what perfectionism is-but it's not at all what it is at the core.  I would have never ever described myself as a perfectionist before I knew the real definition.

I can explain it best like this:
Until this and that and the other is exactly right in my life-the situation, my weight, the projects in my home, the amount in our savings account, and the children fulfilled happy adults-I should not feel truly settled, content and happy or worthy of love.  The number on the scale will be ___, and then I can be happy.  Every room in the house will look finished and organized, and on and on and on and then I can truly feel those things and enjoy life.

The thing is-as a mother, a wife, a woman, a human-nothing will EVER be finished, because none of those things are attainable all the time-it's the personal spiritual "invention" of these goals, these circumstances that CAN never be complete that is really the problem.  Because the truth is, if all these un-attainables lined up just so, I'd quickly invent the next in line.  I felt I didn't deserve happiness (I didn't know I felt this way until I dug really deep with a professional's help) if everything in my life wasn't completely the way I imagined it should be.  It is really at the core of it all "the refusal to love and accept oneself in a state of imperfection*."

I think more than ever, so many of us women fall into this today.  For me it was a habit I remember cultivating as a teen-I loved to look at magazines, to study the way the models looked, the homes perfect, the stories with happy happy endings where everything worked out just so.  Today the opportunity to compare these illusions of perfection is a thousand fold what they used to be, and the expectations are almost laughable.

So if you are doing this, STOP.  As my favorite priest says, "If you are waiting for it to be perfect, it's over."  Yes, you'll be dead when it's perfect.  If I could go back so many years I can't even count I'd tell myself this:

Get help. 
Take baby steps of self-love.  Pray for it.
Sit with, right in the middle of the mess and feel content and relaxed in your whole being, shut down the racing mind of what needs to be done and cultivate that spirit constantly.  
Be naked (in daylight:)! in front of your husband and know that he thinks you are gorgeous no matter what you weigh or how fit you are.  Know it yourself.
Say "oh well" about all the little things that don't matter.
Leave the house with the kitchen a mess and truly not care.  
Give the baby a bottle or two of formula so you can sleep more than 90 minutes consecutively and you can feel alive again, the baby will be fine.  There is no perfect way to raise a baby.
Love that your furniture doesn't match and your house will never look like a magazine feature because who the heck cares except Instagram.  (Get off Instagram, or anything that makes you compare or feel less than-protect yourself!)  
Serve Stouffers mac n cheese and hotdogs at your next gathering, no one cares and if they do, they have the problem not you. 
It's ok to do one thing well, and feel that joy of "I've done well", but know then, that everything else has to give, so lower your expectations everywhere else.  
Tell yourself you love yourself every single day and take time to do something, anything, for yourself so you feel good-you are worthy of time to care for your being while you are spending so much of your time serving others.
Recognize when you are overwhelmed and get help, don't beat yourself up for not accomplishing it all. 
Spend most of your time on your relationships (your relationship with God first), everything else deserves to be second place.  


LIFE WILL NEVER EVER BE PERFECT.  It will never just all fall into place, that's called heaven and we are earthlings.  True joy comes from being kind, and loving and understanding and welcoming towards our husbands and children and families and friends and most of all ourselves.

*I read a lot of books on perfectionism but this book is the one that really really helped me:
Letters To A Perfectionist by Tad Frizzell

I think I should have a regularly scheduled post of things I discovered after 25 years of parenting that I wished I had been enlightened with long ago, or had been more self-assured and passionate about doing, or had learned from friends and thought "that's genius, why am I not doing this".  Things I wish I had done better right from the start.

Here is one of them:  If your children are capable of doing something themselves than they should be doing it themselves.

Maybe not ALL the time but most of the time.  Enough to be efficient and successful at it.  Enough that we parents are not work horses and maids, but instead get to talk after dinner, relax, enjoy a meal made for us or cleaned up after us, a moderately clean and organized house, and not run on empty all the time or constantly hire things out.  Enough that we should be asking every time we are doing something, who else here is capable of this?

Imagine all the chores and duties that would be off our plates if we implemented this.  It's really an art, this delegation and very very young children can be taught to do many many things.  All one has to do is read a history book to know that children were watching siblings, cooking meals, baking, walking long distances to fetch water or food, hunting, working in factories, running errands, washing clothes, and on and on and on.

I get that sometimes it is easier to do things ourselves.  And I don't think children will be crippled if they can't be completely self-sufficient at a certain age.

But why not enjoy this contribution to our household, so, well, parenting is more enjoyable?  And how awesome that it benefits both them AND us, and the benefits are probably far greater for them than us.  Self-esteem is built, not by words, but by accomplishments and feeling self-sufficient and capable.  Life skills!

I know there are many many way too complicated chore systems, but it does NOT have to be complicated.  It can be a list on the fridge, a daily and weekly checklist, in addition to just asking at the moment.  There are tons of options but the system doesn't matter as much as the fact that they are doing things.

How to do it:

1. Write down everything that needs to be done daily, weekly or monthly in the home, and then try to delegate as much as possible to the children.  They can keep a whole house clean-they live in it for free, why not?  They can learn to take care of their things, their bodies, their clothes, their food as soon as they are capable, and us mothers have a huge tendency to underestimate their capabilities.

2. Teach them at a young age HOW to do everything.  Whether it's making their beds, cleaning a toilet, making cookies, or a quick breakfast, packing their lunches, vacuuming and mopping, cutting the lawn, picking weeds, stripping their beds down and remaking, putting clothes away, etc.  We need to spend time upfront to teach and practice.  The time and patience this takes will pay off incredibly in saved time for us.

3. Be consistent and firm.  Don't feel guilty.  I promise you once they get older you will be thanking your lucky stars you did this, even if it's met with some resistance.

4. Be positive and encouraging and complementary even if there needs to be correction or do-overs.

5. Create habits-which does have everything to do with consistency and when they are young a picture chart might come in handy.  Make the bed, empty the dishwasher, load the dishwasher after dinner, always bring your plate to the sink, wipe off the sink, put shoes away.  Habits are hard to break and easier to enforce and the younger they begin to learn habits the smoother the household runs.

Also, busyness is not an excuse.  As my kids got older their extra-curricular and outside job schedule in addition to studying gave them very little time at home, and although I think it's okay to slack off a little, if a teen has time to spend on their phone, or go out, they have time to keep their rooms cleaned and wipe down a bathroom and care for their things.  That's called learning to "adult"-time management skills and priorities are essential to life.  And really, being clean takes minutes, not hours, if a system is in place.

Some practical tips:

Initial organization done by us makes it easier for kids to know where things are kept and where they are put away.  It does not have to be Pinteresty it just has to be obvious. (A basket where the toys go, and drawers with labels or pictures, etc.) . Making everything easy to reach, and obvious and time-saving is the key.

-Clorox wipes (the extra strong ones work well to wipe down showers and tubs), Windex wipes, Pledge wipes, and Swiffers, make everything easier and less complicated to clean.  I keep the wipes in every bathroom.  Here is my laundry system that I use.

A Rut or Funk: A feeling of general uneasiness, lack of vitality; an unwillingness to do what you know is best for yourself, (ie. not eating chocolate for breakfast); a tendency to be easily annoyed at the stupidest things like husbands breathing loud or kids making a mess; a persistent stubbornness and resistance to change from a grouch into someone who has an optimistic, cheerful mood; a tendency to dream about trips to the tropical beaches and/or large additions to your residence.