Slow Going

I'm making slow headway on the 40 Bags in 40 Days spring cleaning process.  I think I should take a photo of the area I cleaned out, and then a picture of how Janey "helped" me just for fun.  (Like as I am cleaning the bathroom closet, the toilet paper magically unrolls itself all over the floor.  There is nothing to do but laugh, 18 months is the cutest age ever-she wants to be stuck like next to me at all times and copies everything I do. :)

But this Lenten process gets easier and easier for me each  year, I have to admit, because I am so much more careful about what comes into this house, and I find myself doing little purges all year long.  I hope to whiz through rooms quickly, although I anticipate coming to a screeching halt when I get to the attic.

I've realized that I have dropped the ball on my weekly menu posts.  As soon as I think I can handle a small blogging obligation with ease, some how my life here at home fills up, something more important eases its way in, and I have to rearrange priorities.  I mean to continue, but can't count on the time to do that yet.  I laughed that I wrote on my sleep post 'Part Two coming soon', because it is most definitely not coming soon....it is coming most indefinitely later.   As we start up here with the busy season of spring (yeah!), things seem to come at me so fast, that I have to clear brain space in order to strive to have a peaceful mind instead of a harried one.

I am off to catch up on laundry and write out that menu (boy I dread that sometimes!), and get things in order for the busy weekend.  Hope you have a good one!

Getting Baby To Sleep-Thoughts and Tips and Resources

I've never had "that baby" that magically slept through the night at two weeks or six weeks or maybe even six months.  And with my first two children, I felt the entire time that I was doing something wrong in the sleep department because of that.  It took me till my fourth baby (thank you sweet Andrew) till I wised up and gained enough knowledge and experience to know and feel confident about what works for me and my family.

From what I heard from some "experts" or friends I was creating habits that would make my infants turn into toddlers and then children into teens with overly dependent terrible sleep habits.  Oh the things I heard.  They make me laugh now, six babies later.  Perspective is everything!

I've divided this post about into two sections.  Part One being my thoughts, and things I've learned the hard way, and Part Two some tips that have helped me and resources also.

Babies have always been the same since the beginning of time.  Yes, they are born with different temperaments and personalities but they are born with the same innate needs. It doesn't matter what part of the world they are born in, at what time (thousands of years ago, or today), what the culture is like, who the experts happen to be during their generation, or the parenting trends of the decade-they have always come from the womb with the same needs since the beginning of time.  They know nothing of Dr. Spock, Ferberizing, Similac, Graco or BabyGap.  I think every baby wants the warm loving arms of their mother as much as possible (she smells so good!!), food from their mother's breasts (and if that's truly impossible, the best substitute possible to survive), soft, warm coverings (probably not skinny jeans :), and a good diaper that is changed often.  Their only way to get their needs met is by crying (how frustrating would that be!)

Here are some thoughts from MY experiences and things I've learned from raising MY babies.  Hopefully this well help another mom who might be going through the same experiences and challenges.

1. Babies aren't naturally good sleepers. Here is a great article about how baby sleep patterns differ from adult sleep patterns.

2.  Don't ever compare a breast fed baby's sleep habits to a formula fed baby's sleep habits.  A breast fed baby should have different patterns of sleep.  Breast milk is perfectly designed for a baby-maybe not always perfectly designed for a culture that expects mothers to strive for 8 hours of straight sleep a night-but it is perfectly designed for the sake of the babies health.  It is digested more quickly than formula is.  I would compare drinking a bottle of formula to a carb/protein loaded Thankgiving meal-vs. a 'clean-eating style' meal of breast milk.  (We can only surmise that since nature intended for babies to thrive on breast milk they are designed to be more alert, and sleep for shorter amounts of time-for safety and developmental reasons.  Again this might not "fit" the trends today and our culture  right now, but babies know nothing of "fitting in" and it isn't their fault that they were born when our expectations don't match their needs and developmental stages.)

3. By very very wary of cry-it out sleep training methods.  I have found these are usually quick sells to desperately tired parents. I have also found the books don't paint a totally honest picture (or maybe the author just lacks the experience to be honest) of their "quick fix methods."  There are so many variables that they don't consider.

I tried one of the popular cry-it out approaches when I had my second baby and was told it was "my fault" and she would never fall asleep by herself unless she was taught.  This experience is on my list of "things I regret doing as a young, inexperienced parent."  It didn't work. Yes, I did follow the instructions.  And it was awful.  It left me feeling like my head and heart were going to explode.   It felt abusive to me.  It went against every maternal instinct I have in my body, and it felt so wrong.  And it didn't work, did I say that already?  I know that I gave up after the third or fourth day after following the instructions, when things weren't progressing according to the "experts" plan.  After finding my daughter with a messy diaper and her leg between the crib bars, delirious with misery, looking at me like "how could you?" I vowed never ever to betray my maternal instincts.  It took me weeks to get back to where she didn't cling to me with panic when I approached her room.  I made matters so much worse than they ever were to begin with.  I've heard this same story so many times.  Of babies that cry so hard they throw up, found laying in their vomit, asleep from the pure exhaustion of crying so hard.  Of parents who felt the same as I did in their hearts-that this is not right, it's not natural, it's not healthy.  Of older siblings crying too-asking why their mommy and daddy weren't helping their baby brother or sister, he/she needs you-from the mouths of babes!

Here are some other myths I have learned about the cry-it out sleep training approaches:

They are usually sold as a one-time deal.  As in, once you get through the couple hard days of listening to your baby sob in his/her crib alone for however long (they all have different times) then you'll never have to do it again. They will have "learned" to go to sleep.  Even those silly old nanny 911 shows that promote sleep training don't show the whole picture.  Sure, I'm sure there are some babies who "need" to cry only once before they learn no one will come and comfort them, but I think the "cry it out" approaches result in much more crying over the first and second year than many of them let on to.  I know when I realized this I wasn't willing to ignore my child's needs this much, and I didn't have the heart to repeat the cry-it-out process over and over again.

The first and second year of a baby's life is a huge time of growth in every facet of their lives.

Here are some scenarios I have found that have disrupted sleep patterns in my babies lives-

• Growth spurts-these were very defined periods where my babies needed to eat more-it is their way of adjusting the milk supply to meet their growing needs.  
• Some babies get teeth somewhat magically, others drool and rub their mouths and feel relentless pain.
• Ear infections and other illnesses-usually don't show themselves for a few days which are preceded by night waking and fussiness due to real pain and discomfort.  Sometimes "bad habits" are established during these times (rocking baby to comfort, keeping upright, etc") and the process must start over again.
• Wakening due to a new skill-One time Janey was sound asleep but mumbling and doing the "roll it" gestures of Pat-A-Cake perfectly (better than she had ever done them awake!) that I had just taught her.  She was all of eight months I think at the time!  It made me laugh-how quickly their brain is forming and how many new skills they are learning.  I compare it to when we adults have a new exciting challenging project we just began or are working on-we go to bed thinking about it, we might wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it, and it's one of the first thoughts we think of in the morning.  This is how babies are-about sitting up, talking, crawling, walking, speaking.  Their brains are wired to be passionate about these learning these new things.
• Separation Anxiety-here is a great article about the science behind separation anxiety.  It is a natural development phase as babies learn about object permanence and build trust.
• Colic (real digestive pain-more on this later).
• Allergies (my children have never dealt with allergies but I've had friends whose babies were terribly sensitive to food, or detergents, etc.)
• Fears
• Sensitivities-More on this later, but all of my children were born with different temperments and reacted to their new world in different ways.  Some babies are much more sensitive to their new world than others. 
• Family changes-Vacations, illnesses, "stress" of every day living (a death in the family, a break from routine because of moving etc.)

4. Be wary of "expert" advice. I've learned to be careful of advice about letting my baby cry, from other people who do not have the connection I have with my baby.  It's sometimes easy for a pediatrician (especially a guy) to say "let him cry". It's not his baby, and he doesn't have the same connection I have-he doesn't (and isn't supposed to have!) the mommy hormones raging through my body (that I AM supposed to have) when it comes to hearing my baby cry.  I should know my baby best-this is what nature intended.  If a mother is truly bonded she will feel the call in her brain and heart and very soul to soothe her baby when that baby lets her know he/she needs it.

One of the popular sleep training methods is called "Ferberizing".  In my opinion it sounds like something that is much more suited to dog training than "baby training".  It requires a lot of crying-not straight crying alone, but crying with parents checking in specified amounts of time.  (Which would just escalate the crying all over again.  "Oh good,  you've come, I've been calling you, didn't you hear me crying for you? Please come and get me and hold me.  Your coming, yay!  NO NO NO wait, wait, please don't leave, please don't leave and ignore me again! Why are you walking away and leaving me again?"  Repeat, repeat, repeat, and then eventually "I'll just give up, they don't care" or fall asleep from pure exhaustion of sobbing so long.)  Even the author has serious concerns with what he feels are misinterpretations of his methods, and talks about that here.  Very interesting.

Another popular method is from the book Baby Wise.  I understand that the appeal in the Baby Wise book is the need for predictability and schedule.  A sense of order to our days as mothers can turn a feeling of being overwhelmed and frustrated into contentment and enjoyment.  Establishing a pattern is healthy for my mind. (I will talk about tips on how to do this without force later).  Being aware of eating/play/sleep pattern is good (and this pattern was not discovered by the author), as long as it is not so rigidly led by me (or some man who wrote a book) that I let baby cry, or don't feed him when he's hungry because "so and so says not to".  I think it is important for mothers to know that Gary Ezzo has been excommunicated from his church (his books are "Christian" based teachings), he has called himself Dr.when he is indeed not and perpetuated other falsehoods about his education, he has little to no experience with children, nor has he studied child development in any sense.  He strongly advocates spanking babies as young as 14 months (and that's the tip of the iceberg in terms of his discipline advice that is utterly abusive) , his views and logic are twisted and ignorant, and the AAP has written a statement against his book because of the increase in failure to thrive babies that have been reported when parents follow the rigid feeding schedule he recommends in his books. Many highly respected, well -known child specialists have spoken out strongly against him and his books. There are many other books that teach more gentle sleep training methods using the same pattern of feed/play/sleep and don't have an evil man behind them.  This is a perfect example of the necessity of being very careful who we mothers take advice from!

5. Also be wary of falling prey to the fear of "creating a lifetime of bad sleep habits" that proponents of cry-it-out methods often employ.  I've heard or read many times that if I didn't "train" my babies to sleep the way some experts suggested I would have toddlers with terrible sleep habits and then children with terrible sleep habits who would turn into adults with terrible sleep habits.  If my babies nursed to sleep, or if I rocked them, or "helped" them to sleep in any way, I would 'create a monster' so to speak.  I can tell you that this has not been my experience at all, quite the opposite.  My older toddlers (around 2 and up, depending on the child) and children have all gone to sleep easily in their own beds and slept through the night barring the occasional nightmare or illness.  We establish night time routines, when they are old enough to understand what it means to lay down, stay in bed, and go to sleep.

I've found that it IS possible to 'sleep-train' babies without tears or at the least avoid heart breaking angst.  I know it's hard to be up at night again and again, I know it's hard to be tired.  I've had "easy" babies and desperately difficult babies.  That's part two-my experience-coming soon.

40 Bags in 40 Days: The Basics

2014 Update-Last year I bowed out of the challenge (or just did little bits here and there and didn't blog about them) because I had baby Janey.  This year baby Janey is toddler Janey and requires less work, but not much less. :)  I will give my best attempt to post weekly updates of the rooms I've plowed through.  

On a side note: I signed up here this year to get daily Lenten reflections in my inbox, just thought I'd mention in case anyone else was interested.  

The Basics of 40 Bags in 40 Days:

The idea of Forty Bags in Forty Days is to "cleanse" your house of all clutter during the forty days of Lent by clearing out a small area and filling 40 bags with "stuff"-things you don't need, find useful, or love.  It is a manageable, easier way to do spring cleaning than all at once, especially since most of us have little ones that we need to care for all day.

The first step is to make a little schedule for yourself.  I use a simple piece of notebook paper.  (Here is a cute free printable schedule one of my blog readers made.)

I divide my house into forty areas.  My schedule might look like this:
Day 1: Master Bathroom Cabinet
Day 2: Master Bathroom Drawers
Day 3: Vanity Area
Day 4: Our Closet
Day 5: Master Bedroom
Day 6: Craft Cabinet
Day 7: Study
etc...

till I have 40 small manageable areas to work on each day.  Some days I can plow through four areas and buy myself some time, which allows me to skip a day or two when I just can't meet my goal.

There is no right way to purge your home, some work better in bursts, some work better in tiny chunks-do whatever is not stressful and works for you at this time of your life.

Now there is no way I could fill up 40 bags, or even close to it after the first year of doing 40 Bags/40 Days. That's the number one benefit of doing this Lenten purge-once you experience how good an uncluttered house feels you never want to go back to having too much stuff!  I am more vigilant about what I bring in.

My Supplies:

Black garbage bags. You can use any kind you want-even small grocery bags, but I use black because kids can't see through them, and the size works well for me.  Sneaky purger that I am, I don't want my decisions questioned.

No, I don't ransack my children's bedrooms and throw away all of their beloved treasures, but it's better if that plastic broken battery-hogging toy that my son hasn't touched in 5 years magically disappear without

rearing it's ugly head to be seen and desperately missed by all.

I also have Magic Erasers, paper towels (or rags), spray cleaner and my vacuum.

I wipe down counters, wipe out cabinets, shelves, and countertops while I'm purging. I go through packs of Magic Erasers. (I can do this because I only have one little one home all day-if you have a baby or babies, maybe just stick with the purge, and not with the spring clean.)

Tips:
I keep in mind that my goal is to touch everything in the room or area that I am working on. If I
have boxes, clothes, books, toys...no matter what, I go through each item and make a decision to
keep, give away, throw away.

I figure out what I am going to do with the bags once full. I give books away to a local foundation that resells them, I pitch the garbage, I give the rest to Goodwill  because they have a drop-off station 2 minutes away. I don't do resale shops or garage sales, because for me, it's just too much work. I throw the Goodwill bags right into the back of my van, and make the run as soon as I get a chance.

I work really quickly. Obviously, the bigger and the more complicated the room, the longer it takes,
but I don't puzzle over decisions, or get distracted by other things...besides Patrick of course. I
don't answer my phone...my goal is to get the job done as quickly as possible.
I keep a visual in mind. How do you want I my house to look?  For me it's clean, sparse, and organized:

I always go back in my head to the first months we moved into this house. I had really wanted to start fresh. I had given away a lot of stuff from our old house...I purged like crazy when we moved. We had no closet or
storage space in our old 1840 house either...so when we settled into this house it was very simple, very
empty, very refreshing. I filled one drawer where there was now 5. The kids used just tiny bits of their
closets. Some rooms had just a few items of furniture. It was so easy to keep clean and I felt so energized
without so many belongings. Sometimes I get out my old photos from when we first moved in, and that
motivates me to bring my home back to where I loved it.

The other visual: What if I had to show my house in minutes as if we were selling it? I know this is hard core...but I learned my lesson once with my first house...we put off all these little projects that we wanted to do forever, lived with them forever, inconvenient and all, and when we went to sell our house, here we were running around getting it all done for SOMEONE else to live in and enjoy! Ridiculous!  I make a list of those little projects, and work on them later in the year.

So it helps me to think, even though we will never move, that is my ideal for this space/room to look like? Sometimes we get used to things and don't realize how cluttered up, or inconvenient they are. Trying a fresh eye...a "perspective buyer's eye" has helped me.

(My past posts about 40 Bags here.)

Parenting With Grace-Book Study: Chapter Six

Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents' Guide to Raising almost Perfect Kids

(Intro here, and Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five)

Everything in quotations can be directly attributed to the authors, unless otherwise noted.  These are my own very brief personal notes/interpretation/things I want to remember. 

Chapter Six: Parenting Your Toddler With Grace

More than any other stage but perhaps the adolescence, parents experience more intense positive and negative feelings toward their children.

The chief goals of self-donative parenting is to know your child's heart at each stage and age so that your child will come to your first for love, guidance and formation.

By being an attached parent in the infant years, you "poured" a foundation of trust in which to build love and responsibility.  Toddlerhood is the time for that foundation to "set up".

Infants whose attachment is secured have an easier time as toddlers-less belligerent, more peaceful.  

Fostering Healthy Will and Independence
1. Respect that the child's initiatives are not motivated out of destruction and evil, but God-given curiosity.

2. Nurture a way to stop inappropriate activity without child feeling constantly foiled and frustrated.

3. Discover ways to deal with toddler frustrations (tantrums sometimes) by recognizing that his will and initiative is greater then his communication skills and ability to deal with strong feelings.


Notes on Willfulness
Some parenting experts believe that infants are "inherently evil" and their will must be broken-by using means such as corporal punishment.

Catholics believe that the human will MUST BE RESPECTED.  We don not believe that the human will is "oppressed" by the devil.  We believe Jesus Christ raised humanity-the will must be channeled and trained by new disparaged and broken.

ex.  The same "no" that a toddler screams at a parent, needs to be properly cultivated to evolve into a no that one day, that older child will need to assert to others who try to lead her into drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, etc. You don't want to subvert that no.  Will must be respected!

Seven Great Tips For Parenting Toddlers With Grace

1. Be Aware of the Primary Mission of Toddlers 

Parenting with the Theology of the Body in mind, the primary mission of toddlers is to learn how to use their bodies in appropriate and respectful ways...acquiring mastery over limbs, bowels, language.

We need to encourage that mastery in healthy ways-with patience, gentleness, without yelling, losing temper or punishing mistakes!

All the other skills-emotional control, respect, obedience, etc. can come ONLY to the degree that the child has mastered his body and language.

Notes on Toilet Training

-should convey that the body is not something to be disgusted with, but rather something good that can be mastered. (Catholic Theology of the Body)

-book Toilet Training Without Tears by Dr. Charles Schaefer is good, also Dr. Sears methods.  (I've use this one, with my toddlers, my tips and thoughts here.)

2. Child-Proof!

It is unjust to take a child who because of his age has poor impulse control, and set him up for failure and punishment by dangling fascinating but forbidden fruit in front of him.

Don't smack hands!  That inhibits exploratory behavior, teaches hitting is OK, and ignores the development curiosity of the child!

Child-proofing the house (that means putting away knick-knacks, not just dealing with danger!) means less negativity dealing with the toddler (shouting No! constantly), but also less for us to clean, and more time with our toddlers.

3. Say "No Thank You"

From the day your child is born model the behavior you want to see!  Say "no thank you" when he/she does a behavior that is inappropriate (i.e. grabbing your nose to hard, biting while you are nursing, trying to feed the cat to the heat duct)-respond with a gentle but firm "No thank you!" while you interrupt the action.

You are modeling respect to a child who simply doesn't know better.  If you want politeness returned to you, you must model it first.

4. Give A Healthy Way To Express Autonomy and Initiative

Our children must be taught that the reason God gave us our body is it work for the good of others.

"Do By Self" often leads to tantrums and parental insanity when child can't find appropriate ways to assert his independence.

Our job is to find ways he can express this initiative appropriately.  Working-completing small jobs, feeling he can help while learning new skills is a healthy outlet for this initiative.

5. Use Redirection As Much As Possible

Instead of turning your house into the house of "no!"-toddlers yelling no's, parents yelling no's, use redirection.

Ask yourself  "What will my child be more interested in than the thing he or she is heading towards?"
Sales pitch is everything!

Always pair your "no thank you!" with a suggestion of what the child CAN do instead.

The tendency your toddler has to do what you just told him not to do is NOT an act of disobedience at this age, but a manifestation of your child's develomental inability to redirect himself or herself.

The complaint of using redirection is "I'll have to stay on top of him all the time"- That is an overstatement-you might get less done, but nothing is more important than teaching life lessons to your children.

6. Use "Do-Overs to Teach Self Mastery

For example, toddlers have a hard time "being gentle"-have them do over an activity in a gentle way.  "Please hand the toy, or touch your brother's cheek etc, gently."  Show them what that means.  SO much more effective than yelling "No!" and/or slapping a hand (which is not modeling gentle behavior at all.)

Encouraging gentle behavior will cultivate a gentle spirit in your child.

7. Educate Yourself About Gentle Tantrum Interventions

Two Types of Tantrums-Manipulative Tantrums tend to occur AFTER age five and Distress Tantrums, which can result at any age but are almost always the kind displayed in toddlerhood.

Manipulative tantrums occur when a child HAS the capacity for self-control but intentionally chooses to not use it as a conscious ply to wear out the parent.

Distress tantrums occur when a child's resources are OUTMATCHED by the child's environment.

Toddlers can become overwhelmed by frustration of knowing what they want to say/do, but are unable to get their body to do what their brain wants to do.

Put yourself in their place to fully understand-what if you knew what you wanted to say to someone, but couldn't get those words to come out of your mouth, or if you could visualize yourself doing certain activities with competence, but when you went to do them, your body would not cooperate.  Now imagine someone standing over you, saying, "Please stop.  Don't do that."  Frustration!  In toddler that frustration is often overwhelming and a distress tantrum can result.

Distress tantrums do lessen with age as abilities to speak and move body increase.

Dealing with Distress Tantrums:

This will depend on age

Remove your child from the environment and try to comfort him.  Hold him gently but firmly if you need to and show him how to take deep breaths to calm down.  Remind him to use his words and try to give him words if needed to talk him through his strong feelings.  Reassure him that he'll be OK and be calm yourself-staying calm helps stimulate the child's vagus nerve (nerve resents bodily mechanisms to pre-stress level) and teaches him to regain a sense of composure.

If holding child makes things dramatically worse, (usually this might be an older toddler), let him know he can rejoin family when he or she is calmer.  If this escalates things, it is usually because the child has worked himself into such a state that he has too much adrenaline running through his system.  He needs your help-take him to a quiet darker place, hold him or rock him, nurse him if still nursing, talk to him, sing to him.  Try a bath.  Usually toddler will fall asleep after this.  (Baths are miraculous!:)

After it's over with, instruct and rehearse how to handle similar problems in the future.

My notes:
-  Here is a favorite article I just love titled "If I Could Only Offer One Piece of Advice to Young Mothers".  

Parenting With Grace-Book Study: Chapter Five

Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents' Guide to Raising almost Perfect Kids

(Intro here, and Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four)

Everything in quotations can be directly attributed to the authors, unless otherwise noted.  These are my own very brief personal notes/interpretation/things I want to remember. 

Part II
The Five Fabulous Phases of Childhood
Infant, Toddler, Early Childhood, School-aged, Teen

Introduction

Some parents find a way to dislike every stage of their children's lives-infants are so "demanding", toddlers are "terrible", school-age kids "never do what I tell them to do", and teenagers...."don't even get me started."

We can do better, and should have higher expectations to enjoy each stage:

"we are empowered by grace to experience truly joyful, intimate relationships with our children; to find real meaning and fulfillment in their joy and heartaches inherent in parenting; to thank God every day for another opportunity to share both life and faith with our 'closest neighbors'-our children.

*Special section from authors briefly, there is no one way to parent, but these methods are offered as an invitation to enter a "fullness of family life".

Chapter Five 

Parenting Your Infant With Grace

-Point of self-donative parenting is to know your child's heart at every age and stage, so the child will come to you first for love, guidance, and formation.  This kind of intimate knowledge is called attachment.

-Attachment is established in infancy and toddlerhood.  To a parent of an infant and toddler this means:

"I am here to meet your needs.  You can count on me."

Three ways to foster this trust:

1. Staying physically close to your baby.

2. Responding promptly to cries.

3. Self-donative feeding.

Staying physically close:

-Babies are born "too early"-entrainment is the invisible but very real umbilical cord that exists between a mother and baby after the first year of birth-extraordinarily important for health and well-being of the infant.

-Toddlers hold their parents hands to learn to walk, babies use their mothers bodies to learn how to breathe and regulate systems properly.

-When a mother stays physically close, carries infant close to body, and sleeps close to infant, the babies body is "trained" (breathe properly, cope with stress and other systems) "sync up".

Benefits of Sleep-Sharing or at least Room-Sharing:

-Sleep-sharing is often frowned upon in American culture, but not for scientific reasons, more for philosophical reasons ("my mom didn't do that")...90% of babies around the globe sleep with an adult.  SIDS is most prevalent in Western cultures, where mothers don't sleep with babies.

-Sleep-sharing can be done safely (list of "rules" here.)

-Facilitates breastfeeding. 

-If don't feel comfortable with baby in bed there are many co-sleeper cribs that attach right to mom's bed, so baby can be responded to promptly.

What is "bonding"?  It is not just a warm-fuzzy psychological phenomenon, it is MUCH MORE-a physiological process also!  A baby needs security to develop as healthy and efficiently as possible.

"Babywearing"-Downloading the Music of Your Life:

-During pregnancy, baby was in security of mother's womb and perceived consistent rhythms of heart and respiration.  

-After birth, baby needs to continue to listen to same "music" from his mother.  In other arms that very young infant's music soundtrack would sound like it was "skipping"-the rhythm is off.  We can all tolerate "skipping" in short bursts, but for long period of times, it becomes stressful.

On "Crying It Out":

-Babies left alone to cry are experiencing a real trauma-the music has died.

"God didn't design babies to be alone, 

and their crying is a natural God-given response to this unnatural state."

-Many parents hear that the best thing for babies is to let them "cry it out" (at night or other times) to teach them independence.

-But that flies in the face of science and reason-independence can not develop if trust is not developed first.

-Trust is developed by attentively and generously responding to baby's cues.

Responding to baby's cues for feeding, sleeping, cuddling, playing and changing is the singe most important factor in laying the foundation for a proper parent-child relationship and good mental healthy for your baby.

-Whether to let baby cry it out has been a matter of debate between many parents, grandparents and moms and dads (and doctors!)

-But new developments in scientifically understanding baby's developing brains allow an assertion of definite answers-shouldn't be debate-able anymore!

(Great article on this science here.)

1. High levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) are found in systems of children who are left to cry it out.  If cortisol remains in system over long period, it damages brains ability to recover from stress.

2. Vagus nerve resets all body systems affected by stress-long-term exposure to cortisol damages vagus nerve and impairs body's ability to calm body after stress.  Physical comfort, affection, and affirmation (even in adults) stimulate the vagus nerve when human is crying and upset and helps the body get rid of cortisol more effectively.

3. Studies have shown that even when babies are forced to cry-it-out, they maintain high cortisol evels in their system for hours.

-Crying-it-out promotes learned helplessness' "When I cry, nothing happens, so why bother?" NOT  mentally, emotionally, or physically healthy for a baby.

"...if we believe that God's intention for human relationships is revealed in the design and function of the human body, than we cannot dispute what science tells us about how the practice of crying it out does serious violence to that design and how responding promptly to a baby's cries makes for a healthy baby."


"...by anticipating a child's needs through keeping him close, feeding him on request, and protecting the invisible umbilical cord that regulates bonding and neurological development, the child does not learn to cry-or at least does not cry as much-in order to get his needs met.  He learns to trust.  First in his parents...and then in God."

Breastfeeding Is Fascinating:
-Greatly benefits process of entrainment as nature intended.
-Babies who are breastfed tend to be more alert, because their bodies don't have to work so hard to digest formula.
-Mother's body will automatically produce antibodies to combat infection
-Breastfed babies are :
-60 percent less likely to develop ear-infections
-3 to 4 times less likely to have diarrheal diseases
-80 percent decreased risk of lower respiratory infection
-400 percent less likely to contract infections that lead to meningitis
-Recent studies indicate that breast milk combined with enzymes in baby's stomach creates a chemical that actually kills cancer cells! 

Nursing mothers:
-Risk of breast cancer is dramatically less.
-Improves bone strength.
-Burns up to 800 calories per day.
-Oxytocin "hormone of love" from mother's milk helps BOTH mother and child to feel sense of calmness, attachment and love.

Unfortunately, many American hospitals do not meet standard set by WHO Baby-Friendly Hospital initiative (14,000 participate in the world, only 84 in the US!), which strongly endorse attachment parenting practices.  Poor education, lack of support, and psychological factors lead women to believe they "can't" breastfeed-a problem that hardly exists in the most impoverished, undernourished countries.  Most physicians have little if any training.  

Self-Donative Parenting: A Lifelong Relationship, NOT a Technique-they lay a foundation for a way of life.

Two smaller sections of this chapter (brief outline once again):
Self-Donative Fathering and the Infant
1. Take the initiative in baby care that you can do.  
2. Appreciate the differences that you bring to the table.
3. Dads are the number one prevention tool for post-partum depression.
4. Take charge of your relationship (be present to your wife as much as possible).
5. Pick up slack around the house during this intense time.


FAQ'S About Self-Donative Parenting in Infancy
(There are 12 questions...I am just going through the first three.)

1. "Won't We Spoil Kids If We Raise Them This Way?"
"Children are like fruit.  They spoil when they are left to sit."
"God is the one who created the infant to be wholly dependent upon its parents.  And God is the one who gives parents the resources to respond to those needs."
God created babies to be dependent, to be touched, to be fed with the food He created for them, Western culture is not supportive of this plan and we are paying the price for this.

2. "Won't Self-Donative Parenting Practices Inhibit Our Infant's Capacity for Independence?"
Children naturally want to be with their parents-not with other caregivers.  "When children feel like they are being pushed out the door, they tend to hold on that much harder.  It is secure attachment that allows a child to have the solid platform he needs in order to spring into the world."
True independence can NOT be given, it MUST be taken.

3. "We Don't Want To Be Manipulated by Our Baby"
Certain so-called Christian parenting authors warn parents against infant manipulation.
"The ability to manipulate requires intellect and conscious will and the completely dependent infant has little of either."
This thought of manipulation springs not from Christianity but for Jansenism.  One example of a Jansenist parenting author is the Ezzos of Babywise, who teaches that infants are inherently evil from birth and promote deprivation and corporal punishment.  It is an unscientific, uncharitable, un-Christian, warped view of children.  (For an in-depth evaluation of Ezzo go here.)
The infant has strong drives for hunger and physical affection-he has been given a voice to cry out for a reason-so that we meet his needs.


My extra note:
Besides all of Dr. Sears books, an excellent book (really, this is the manual that we should all be handed along with that baby! :) is called The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland.  It explains (in an easy format to read, apply and understand) the science behind infant, baby, and toddler needs.  It's fascinating and one of my favorite books.

Odds and Ends

 The summer view of the river in our little town.

The winter view.  Yesterday we took a Sunday drive to get the boys out of the house for a bit and I took some pictures of the ice dam-same place as the photo above.  A few of the roads we like to "Sunday drive" on were closed because of the flooding. 

I'm not going to tell you what scene I like better, because of course, you know!

From my post last week, where I posted a few pics of my house that I was insanely pacing in, I was asked where my clutter is.

First, I took those pics on a Tuesday morning, after a three day weekend.  Had I taken those photos on that Sunday or even Monday morning, or Friday, or Saturday, no one would have asked me that question trust me!  Tables/counters/floors are strewn with things at any given moment when my house is full of children and a husband.  I went on a straightening-house-binge on Monday night-something I like to do before the week starts because it makes me feel like I'm off to a good start that week.  Usually after the weekend, I like to get as much cleaning done that first day when everyone is back to school/work, so straightening up helps.

Here are some other things that help with clutter:

1. Paper clutter:

-I hardly ever start a stack.  I deal with them right when it comes in, whether it's from the mailbox or kid's folders.  I put the bills Jeff pays up in a box designated for his stuff, I put special sentimental papers in a box to be sorted for scrapbooks, I throw all the junk mail away immediately, I hang up any schedules that I need to reference.  If there are things I want to hang on to, that I just can't deal with immediately, they go into "my drawer".  I think every mom should find a drawer in their kitchen that is JUST THEIRS.  Here is mine:

And yes, this drawer sometimes gets messy, but I clean/straighten it often.  I put special papers in there, (for instance-right now there is a recipe I printed out, a memo about a retreat letter I need to write for one of the kid's, and a big stack of high school orientation papers I haven't had a chance to go through yet), my blank notebook paper or a notebook I use for my to-do list, bills I am in charge of paying, my menu notepad, some index cards, etc.  This drawer eliminates the clutter that would be on my counter top.

You can see Jeff's place up above where he throws his keys and phone when he comes in, and where important mail for him goes.  I clean this out too, he never would, because clutter doesn't bother him.  

Another thing that helps enormously with clutter are these baskets for kid's stuff in the kitchen.  I put all the little things that I found laying around the house that have no designated space in these bins...those birthday favor trinkets they come home with but aren't ready to part with, sports cards, books, papers, etc.

(this photo was taken a long time ago-things aren't as clean and straightened right now and very very cold)

Backpacks and coats and shoes goes in our tiny mudroom closet, which I also have to weed out often (way too small for eight people!)-the overflow goes to the garage.

I have to pick up my house every day if I want it straightened-sometimes it feels like all I do is put things away and clean up on the weekends for sure.  I have to tell the kids often "put away your coat, put your homework in the backpack", etc. During the weekdays when it is just Janey and I home, of course, it is nice to go through the house in the morning, and do a clean sweep.  Things get messy though, as we get busy and kids are coming and going.  That's life.

Here's the thing too, and I know I've written about this before.  I think everyone has a clutter barometer. And there is a healthy middle. Either extreme is OCD/hoarders.  I feel more comfortable leaning one way than the other.  My brain hates clutter.  I have chilled through the years (six kids, some of them teenagers, teach you to do that!), but my brain does NOT work well with disorganization and stuff strewn/packed in everywhere so I must maintain order.  To be dramatic (thank you, teenagers, once again), it makes my soul feel unpeaceful.  Which then makes me crabby, or stressed, or agitated, or snappy, or want desperately to stuff enormous amounts of Milk Duds in my mouth. Decluttering gives me energy and makes me happy.    

On to the next subject-

I mentioned something about uplifting mom blogs I read and some readers asked me to mention them.  I consider these bloggers good friends-I've read for years, and their blogs are quiet, calm, and very "un-bloggy" if that makes sense.  They post sporadically, and write exclusively about family life, and their love of motherhood shines through.  Here are a few: Barefoot in the Kitchen, My Life In A House Full of Boys, Grace In My Heart, Morning Glories, Views From My Kitchen Sink, Rare and Beautiful Treasures, 71 toes,

Sunny Side Up and Testosterhome.

Menu For The Week

Monday
Chili

Tuesday
Breaded Pork Cutlets
Baked Potatoes

Wednesday
Baked Teriyaki Chicken
Chef's Salad

Thursday
Subs/Sandwiches
Applesauce

Friday
Lacrosse Dinner

Saturday
Pizza Night

Extras
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Pita Bread Pizzas for a snack
Fruit Salad or Fruit Plate

Cabin Fever

Cabin fever-It has officially set in here, and I am trying my best to combat that awful trapped, lazy, bored, dehydrated, puffy feeling. 

I took the two younger boys to see Frozen yesterday-it was cute.  I had quickly skimmed a little review on the movie and I was mad that I did, because I just wanted to enjoy it, not have some silly analysis running through my head about why it's better than any princess Disney thing with strong female characters, blah blah blah.  At the end of the movie I found myself saying, "But wait, Anna and Kristoff didn't get married!  It can't be over!"  Darn. Cinderella will always be my favorite.

This morning I was determined to combat my winter ickiness.  I can't put Janey in a stroller and walk because of the snow on the sidewalks (tried that already last week, it wasn't fun), so I did power walking laps around the house.  That's called desperation.

Here'a what a lap looks like...
..through the kitchen...Janey eating breakfast...

into the eating area...

down the hallway...

into the dining room...

...I had bribed Andrew with 30 minutes of computer time if he went outside in the cold early morning and fetched the paper...he was overjoyed...

 ...and then I ate an entire pint of blackberries and drank a huge glass of water.

 ...and turned on the Beach Boys.

Next up, a cleaning spree.  Maybe not today, but this week.  Lent starts later than usual this year, but my Lenten clean out might not.

We are supposed to get more snow tonight, but that's it for the year. I'm telling the sky, "That's it for the year."  Sometimes I find myself talking to nature like I would talk to a four year old-in a firm but influential sort of voice.  "You have a choice, you can stop the snow fall and thaw out, or you can just jump right into spring.  Which one will it be?"

I'm counting down regardless.

Love

When I hear Janey wake up after a long nap, I "spy" on her.  I can peek through the door and see her sitting in her crib looking around.  Sometimes she will play with one of the three little bunnies she has in her crib, but mostly she just wakes up slowly, and looks at things around the room.

It is just about the cutest thing ever.

And then I crack the door a little more, and she sees me spying and her whole face lights up into a huge grin.

My heart just fills with love and happiness.

I am grateful for every single day I spend with her.

I am grateful that I get to love her everyday, and be the first thing she sees when she wakes up.

I don't think there is anything in the world that can bring more joy than our own children, do you?

I made the mistake the other day of cruising the internet a little...you know, going to this link or that link and wound up off my strict course of my few favorite uplifting blogs.  I always regret it, darn it, I guess I just have to remind myself of that every once in awhile. When I stray I usually find something that just makes me feel so sad or like the whole darn society is going to pot. 

I hope I'm so wrong but it seems like it has become too common for parents to complain about their kids, or what a pain babies are, or think it's funny to have a misbehaving toddler or child. 

We parents reap what we sow, and much more often that naught, our children's behavior is the reflection of the time and love we put into our parental vocation.  

Babies are precious sweet little perfect creatures that need us, their moms and dads, to love them all day and night long.  So it's sometimes requires us to give a lot.  I just want to say to these parents-get over it!  Grow up!  

If babies are crying and fussy, they are tired or hungry or overstimulated and need some quiet time with us, their parents, alone.  Could we look at this huge new world from their eyes or do we always just have to think about ourselves and our needs?

Toddlers and children-they want so badly to be good, they want to please us, they want us to love them. They rely on us to provide stability and consistency and gentle discipline and exercise and a nice calm atmosphere and good food and enough sleep. 

And love and love and more love.  From us.  Directly from us. Which requires unselfishness on our part once again.  

It shouldn't be funny or cute or witty or popular to be a crappy parent.  Ever.  

But that's generally the stuff of the internet, so what did I expect right? 

I don't want to dwell on that stuff.  I want to see the good in this world, there is so much in it. 

Last Sunday at church we had the cutest little family sit behind us.  

They had four little ones, boom, boom, boom, boom, right in a row.  They looked so neat and cared for, they each had a book with them to keep busy, and were trying hard to sit still.  But two of the toddler boys had an argument over something, and mom had to take one to the cry room (in our church it's just the vestibule) for a little while.  I know she was probably cringing inside, but she shouldn't have been.  The love and care and time and investment these parents had was so apparent.  

The other morning in the grocery store, I saw a mom talking to her little son who must have been about four. They were at the checkout and he was having a hard time with something (gum or Matchbox car most likely, I can relate!), tears of distress pouring down his face.  She stooped down, and took his hands and listened to him, and said a few words, and he calmed down and wiped his tears. She didn't threaten to hit him, or just ignore him, or roll her eyes.  She loved him.  She took the time to love him. It was beautiful.

I know that I am not perfect for sure, far from it, no parents are.  I have had my days when I can't find even that little bit of patience.  I've for sure have had days when I've complained about my children and their endless needs, and when I've had a sleepless fussy baby, I've cried about how hard it is to have a sleepless, fussy baby.  

But I've also learned over the last two decades that when I find the joy in mothering, yes, even when it requires every ounce of me, when I look through the world from the eyes of those who call me mommy, when I stop thinking "oh, this is hard" and started thinking "oh, i'm so lucky", I've fully enjoyed all the aspects of parenting.  I think I owe love and devotion to my children-I think all parents do. 

I like to visualize each of my precious babies as little gifts I was chosen by the grace of God to receive-spiritual perfection enclosed in a tiny bundle of cute human-ness-I have such an obligation (sometimes overwhelming for sure!) to care and nurture these gifts-their little lives depend on us really, to survive and thrive for the rest of their lives.