Clover Lane

I just wanted to share this article by Regina Brett my mom sent me.  I cried when I read it.

It reminds me of my Grandma B who raised nine children and never complained. (Maybe she complained about the dog? but that was it.)  And of my mom who raised five and never complained. And I'm serious-she never complained.  I can count on one hand the times we had sitters.  I think she went Christmas shopping by herself once a year, and maybe to a church meeting.  She didn't have burnout, she didn't yell at us or get impatient with us.  I remember the smelly diaper truck, I remember her putting meals together every single evening, I remember her after-school snacks always waiting at the little table in the kitchen.  My mom didn't have relatives to help, my Dad worked full-time and then some always.

It makes me wonder-what do we as mothers today have to complain about?  What "breaks" do we need from the children?  I avoid internet tidbits and "news" like the plague but when I do read something it's all so negative when it comes to parenting.  All I picture is rolling eyes and deep sighs and "Oh these kids, parenting is sooo difficult" while the buttons are pressed on washing machines, and dishwashers are loaded and a TV is turned on that has 100 channels with non-stop kids programs that can keep the kids quiet.  It seems like one of the main goals of parenting these days is to get rid of the kids as quickly as possible, as early as possible. Daycare starts at six weeks (and is now called school) and real preschool starts full day at three years old and don't forget to schedule in "me" time. When I am in the grocery store I see more grandparents with little ones (and they look tired!) than parents with little ones.  Where are the mothers? Our children need us.  They need us mothers to be home, they need to be home, they need to be with us, they need to be raised by their parents and we should be willing and ready and grateful, yes grateful, to do the work.

I know I'm preaching to the choir.  I know too I'm guilty of deep sighs and some days I feel more than a little sorry for myself as I count the hours I've had to myself in months.  I know I've complained about fixing yet another meal (as I stand in my kitchen, with a full pantry a fridge full of food and shiny appliances) and a plethora of other things for sure.

But I also know this:

I know that it is a grave mistake to mother according to the way our culture dictates we should today.

I know that we must guard our hearts (as Regina writes-"All they had was Dr. Spock and a mother's heart to guide them.") and choose something different than what is often chosen today, what we see and hear and read all around us-that children are an inconvenience in our life to raise-let's fit them in and send them out and get our breaks and find some help and then complain about how difficult it all is.

What else it there to give our all to but mothering?  Nothing. Nothing!  Our children, even our infants, they have an innate sense of knowing where they fit into our lives and how we feel about them.  We don't owe them a beautiful house and a bunch of toys and the best schools-but we do owe them a mother's love spelled out in hard work and time and patience and respect.

It is an honor and a gift and I am so so grateful to my mothers and my grandmothers, "The Greatest Generation of Moms" for setting an example and being an inspiration to me.  I choose them-I choose them to show me the way, I choose them to inspire me, I choose their example, their red wrinkly worn hands, their attitudes, their spirit, their mother's hearts.

My brother Andrew, designed these, and I just love them. They are sold at Crate and Barrel, who contacted him after they saw some of his work on Facebook.  He is an artist and lives in Ireland with his wife and two little children.  I couldn't wait to buy them-it's just so neat.  I am a proponent of "do what you love".  My Abbey is planning on majoring in Fine Arts in college and has and will field the question, "But what you are going to DO with that degree?"  She will do what she loves passionately, and find a way to make a living from it-hard work, and financial sacrifice involved of course.  I am grateful to point out several examples of "do what you love" in my own family and Andy and Rose certainly fit that bill.

When it comes to good books, boy, I was on such a good roll.  And then I hit two bumps in the road with really really lame (best seller's list?  PLEASE, no way!) books that I finished (why?) but just rolled my eyes at and skimmed paragraphs towards the end, and thought, "Oh heck if this being on the best seller's list is a reflection of literary aptitude in our country, we are in trouble!" I will confess that as soon as I was finished with the last bad one, I threw it away in the garbage.  I felt it was my duty to not allow anyone else to kill their brain cells and fill their mind with ridiculousness by passing it on.

On to the good stuff...


My favorite ever, I read and reread, and every time, I cry at the stories and think how grateful I am that I live in this country.  I've turned down many corners of the stories that really strike a chord with me.  Some stories are just a long paragraph, others are a few pages long,they are divided by country.  I think this book should be a required read in every high school.  What generations before us went through to get to this country, the reasons they wanted to come, how they made it-hard hard work, close supportive family life, and a deep love and appreciation for the freedoms in this country-it is just a beautiful book that reminds of all of this, every time I read it.

"My parents were very happy. They never wanted to go back. They didn't always have a lot of money, they struggled. But everything here was paradise.  I lost a son two years ago, and my son always said that he worships his grandfather, my father. He was the most wonderful thing, to think that he had the foresight to come to America and that's how all of us felt. All us children, we always felt that way. No matter what hardships we go through here, you can complain about your presidents, it's still the best place in the world.-Esther Gidiwicz,emigrated in 1905 at age 5.


A friend whose son read this for a home school course, recommended it to me, and I loved it.  So much intelligence about mankind, and about education, and overcoming hardship.

Maybe I talked about this book already?  Beautiful, beautiful, piece of art.  Anthony Doerr is not just an author-he is an artist and words are his medium.  This will always be one of my favorite books.

I don't know how I came to buy this book, but I'm glad I did.  Miriam Grossman is not anonymous anymore-this is an old copy of her book.  It's eye-opening-she exposes the lies our teens and young adults-mostly women- are told about sexually transmitted diseases, "safe" sex, pregnancy, abortion, etc.-basically how our bodies and mind work as females. This book is not told from a political or religious bias, but straight up medical facts and her observations as a psychiatrist on a college campus led her to write this book.

I describe this book as the Chinese version of "Unbroken"-just an incredible against-all-odds survival story where, just like in Unbroken, I thought, "How much more horror could one person live through?"  So so good and very intelligently written.  It makes me think of how much more I'd have learned about world history if I could have had the class taught, not from a boring textbook, but from reading memoirs and auto-biographies and even historical fiction.  This is another book I read that makes me feel so very patriotic and appreciative of our freedoms here.  I gleaned SO much from this book.

Thank you for all your emails!  I am so grateful so many took the time to write to me.  I feel lucky-lucky that Janey has had it relatively easy compared to so many of your children with kidney reflux. I am a giant cry baby I think.  Not that I've been crying (OK a little during that nasty VCUG) just that I am not a good "sick" parent-I just want life back to normal and I hate going to the doctor's office and equally hate giving my children medicine and God has blessed me with twenty years of not having to do this and here I am, maybe going to more than yearly (I don't even go yearly!) well visits and I'm all up in arms about it.  No one likes to see their children uncomfortable or in pain of course, and everyone is busy, but I have come to the conclusion that-well I'm lucky, that's all, and that has been running through my head non-stop. And now I feel grateful and more knowledgeable with a host of tips and reassurances, and I thank you all.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, spring has sprung and thank the Lord, because winter really did me in. It's the second bad one we've had in a row-bad meaning cold, and snow on the ground since December, and gray, gray, gray.  We were blessed in that I was able to plan a week in the Seaside area (we stayed nearby, not in Seaside this year) and wow, after months of no sun, it's amazing how I am reminded that I NEED it.  I feel more optimistic, more on top of things, I have more energy, and although I gave myself terrible sun glass raccoon eyes, I look a little less-well, pasty and vitamin D deficient with a tan  We packed ourselves all in our van-and in spite of terrible traffic, a child who always gets motion sick and takes my seat in the front, we made it down with nary a squabble, and back also.  We reminisced about past vacation drives-driving straight through 24 hours to Naples when the kids were tiny and we apparently had more energy, a few vacation drives where we considered leaving a certain someone accidentally on purpose at a rest stop in recent years (he might be the oldest), flat tires, Dad's crazy driving, and his famous "long" cuts.  Maybe because I see our family vacations-all of us together at once-as soon to be dwindling, if they haven't already-it makes those moments-those once stressful, how did we get into this, what we were thinking with all these kids fighting over whose turn it is to sit in the second row-now just hilariously funny and so sweet. That's what happens as kids grow up.


Speaking of growing up-Abbey is near graduation and I made it!  That's how I feel-four years of high school with a daughter-we made it!  Dances, and friends, and dating and sports and grades and driving and drama and arguments, and hormones and clothes shopping and jobs and tears and laughter and frustration and proud moments and SO SO much growing and changing and maturing from freshman to senior year (for both of us).  She is ready for college, but in a bad senior-itis moment, we (mainly Jeff) reminded her-this is it!  The last days of high school.  We only (thank the Lord) have to go through high school once.  She's made such nice, nice friends, and worked very very hard, and did things she never thought she could. And just like those vacations above-some of the hardest times, some of those moments when you think "what the heck" are now funny or endearing or so sentimental they bring tears to my eyes.

Do I have any advice for moms of junior high girls going into high school?  Yes, from lessons learned firsthand.  (And things I still struggle with.)

Be gentle with them.  Listen to them.  You might remember what it is like to be in high school in the 80's or 90's, but you have no idea what it's like today.  Understand their days at school, understand the pressure, it's nothing you've ever experienced!  Teach, without anger.  Love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.  Be a leader though, heck they need a leader, and they need you to be steadfast in your value system, together, on the same page as a couple. Walk away when arguments get heated.  Ask a lot of questions. Send your message in subtle ways about things you see and hear that concern you and are great lessons for life. (My mom is so good at this, and she did not pass this trait on to me, I need to work on the subtle part!) And listen, listen, listen.  Feed them and make them sleep, even if you have to push them into bed (yes, I've done this before). :)

I hate asking for favors especially after I've been pretty much absent from this blog for awhile, but I feel like I need to some advice or just camaraderie on something I've been dealing with concerning little Janey.  I also hate to be so un-private about health issues, but no where on the internet can I find the answers I am looking for.

She has been having recurrent UTI's for about three or four months now-I felt like we just couldn't get off this cycle of UTI (with fever) then antibiotic, then a few weeks, then another one, repeat, repeat.  Meanwhile, she has had pneumonia (never have any of my kids been this sick!) and I got it too-I know it was from the darn drs. office and a low immunity from the antibiotics for her. We were sent for a VCUG (not fun) and ultrasound test and she has kidney reflux, stage 2 and 3, officially named Vesicoureteral Reflux. It sounds scarier than it is but as any mom whose had a child with this problem, you know it is not easy.

I just wondered-has anyone out there dealt with this with their toddler? And if you have and have a second will you write to me and tell me if/when/how it was resolved and any advice/tips, etc?  Thank you in advance.
slt3969@gmail.com

I needed to look at some old photos of spring, just to reassure myself that it does come year after year.  What a winter we've had once again.   One of the boys went up to change after school yesterday and came down in shorts and t-shirt-because it was a balmy forty degrees out and the snow had finally melted off the driveway.  I sent him back up but he protested so adamantly I just asked him to put a jacket on so I don't look completely negligent.

I'm counting the days!!!  Spring, please save the mothers of boys everywhere, and come quickly!








Meanwhile, I have been doing my best to get a few final projects done around the house.  It seems like it takes me forever to do one thing anymore.  I think because I have so much to do around here anyways, without adding an additional project on, but because I also just want to "get it right the first time".  It has taken me months to decide on a window treatment for Janey's room, or to choose long-lasting quality furniture (which I researched way too thoroughly) for our living room, or just decide on frames I want for the stairway baby pics.  Because I NEVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.  Right the first time, live with it forever is my motto now.  I have slowly but surely crossed out my list and have two or three things to complete-curtains for Janey's room which I will end up making myself, end tables and lamps for the living room, a dresser to paint and I then the outside gardening work (which I almost always love) will be ready to begin.




I also spent some of this winter catching up on scrapbooks-three years to be exact since I have only printed out the pages at the end of the year, but never did any assembly, since Janey was born.  My January goal was to get caught up, and I just did two weeks ago.  Oh, how I swear at those things before I tackle them (why did I ever start?) but when they are all completed I love them and the kids do also.

On a side note, our wi-fi was down for (only!) four days, and it was a welcome and much needed reset button for myself.  I have a friend that has compared the internet and its constant opportunities to a leaky faucet with a slow drip.  You don't really notice that little drip that seems trivial but are shocked when after a day it can fill a bucket.  Drips are seconds checking an email, or answering a text, or looking at the myriad of other things that quickly become habits.  All these little distractions, seconds really, add up and most days, I just don't have time for it, or don't have any intention of spending my time this way, and the thing about time is, you can't get it back.  I found myself thinking, "I'll just pull up a recipe for dinner tonight", and then had to stop short.  Or "I'll just check to see if that guy emailed me back about Patrick's baseball sign up".  It's like when the electricity is out and we keep hitting those light switches out of habit.

I was thinking just ten years ago, I really never ever used the internet.  We had a big old computer in a cabinet and the door was hardly ever opened.  My mom showed me how to upload pictures when I bought my first digital camera, and also how to send emails-it just had no appeal to me, and seemed unnecessary to learn.  And guess what?  I could function, probably, if honest, better than I am now!  I used recipes from books, I sent letters, or talked on the phone to friends and relatives, I had creative ideas generated from my own brain, I could diagnosis an illness or injury in a child from a handy dandy medical index.  I could decorate my house without looking at 20,000 photos from Houzz first, and I could paint furniture without looking at five tutorials.  Imagine that!  I was better off for it, I'm sure of it.  Isn't it crazy how things can change so quickly and we all just are swept along-maybe not at first, maybe with some resistance, or caution, but there we are.  I have always contemplated -it is impossible with teenagers not to- the draw of technology, how it effects our brain and our time and our children-our family life.-even just a tiny bit of it!  If I am really honest myself, the ONLY thing necessary about the internet is checking school/extra-curricular emails for my children and I can do that in two seconds once a day.

My point is-I welcomed the wi-fi disconnection because it made me conscious of that little drip of time and stop to think about the intention of my days.

So I'm off to make some oatmeal raisin cookies, from my grandmother's recipe, found in my mother's recipe box, copied down on a piece of paper.  :)

Happy (almost, please!) Spring!

I enjoy Downton so much it's almost embarrassing to admit, but hopefully there our some other embarrassed "I look forward to it all week and can get giddy on Sunday mornings just thinking about it" fans out there also.  It is truly a treasure during these winter days that can get quite doldrum-ey, and the only show that is worth a minute of my time on the awful telly.  (Call the Midwife starts March 29th, that's worthy also.)

I love every character.  Yes, that means Mary also.  If I don't at first, they grow on me.  Rose, for instance, annoyed me in the beginning, a little too flighty and excitable, and now, how can one not love her?   I love Edith, and always have, even with the constant distress and tears.

OK, I just remembered one obnoxious character I didn't like-Sarah Bunting.  I was so glad that she left and Tom said goodbye.

My favorites will always be Mrs. Patmore and Mr. Carson.  Mrs. Patmore with her sensible no-nonsense demeanor and hard working spirit.  But tenderness.  And Mr. Carson with his respect for tradition and civility and manners and wisdom enough to know that just because change is the result of something new and different doesn't mean it's always better.  I like his experienced wariness.

I was so happy that Daisy decided to stay at Downton in spite of being tempted towards the shiny glamorous world of London.  People are more important, I think at that age we all learn that in some way, shape or form.

I can't get enough when they film outside and show the landscapes-a garden setting, a little jaunt through the town, the rolling hills of the country side, the castles and quaint houses.  So so beautiful.

Alas, it's over.  I didn't even know it-I was unprepared, till I noticed today that the DVR had recorded two hours worth-and that must be the end.  And it was such a good ending (tissues!), such a good season.