Clover Lane

Here is a list of my favorite things, lame or not:
I loved my first Dyson but when it bit the dust (we put that thing through hell) and it came to buy a new one I had sticker shock. Wow, those prices have gone up!  So I took my chances, read some reviews and bought something more budget friendly.  And I love this vacuum, in fact, I really think it has stronger suction that the Dyson (it puts vacuum lines in my Berber!). All the pieces and parts come apart also, in case a small sock or precious Lego gets vacuumed up or stuck. The cord is nice and long and the attachments are useful.

Thinking:
"It’s worth it. Family is worth the effort. We deal with the bumps in the road, we are quick to forgive and ask forgiveness — because this gift of family is worth the effort. What it takes to overcome hurts and let go of grievances, it’s the hard work that comes with the reward of some of the best friends you will ever have. Or at the very least, someone who will always have your back."

I know I've linked to Rachel quite a few times-she writes so beautifully and always with a touch of humor to keep it light and real. This post is on siblings and I thought in light of Thanksgiving around the corner, it makes great points.  If you are from a big family, did you ever dream of being an only child?  I think I did a few times.  Just ME and ALL THAT ATTENTION.  Ha!

Now raising a large family of my own, I see sibling relationships and their twists and turns and the beauty and the lessons. Sometimes I worry (two complete opposite personalities next to each other-will they ever get along? Or the coming and going of older siblings-how does little Janey make sense of it all?), and other times my worries evaporate and I witness the closeness and care that brings tears to my eyes. I hope they all get along as adults. That's all we want as parent right, just for them all to get along?  I remember my mom, when asked on Mother's Day, what she wanted, and she would say, "Just all be nice to each other."  Yes!

Playing:
These last two weekends have been busier than usual for me, and I've noticed Janey has been a little whiny by Sunday night.  It's amazing how sitting down for a few minutes throughout the day to play and read with a little ones makes ALL the difference in the world in terms of their happiness and settled-ness. It's more important than ever coming up here on the holiday season.  On Monday morning I sat down and we went through a huge pile of books, and I felt us both breathe deeply and relax.

Sometimes I get so nostalgic for the days when I had more than just one little one here-especially when I look at some of the boy's toy's (Patrick's guys, that were Andrew's guys, and so on and so on) that aren't played with much anymore.  I remember my oldest three used to play with Beanie Babies all the time, creating homes for them and acting out stories.

I have been working on some of our Favorite Toy posts (with a teenager edition in the works also as requested, and some of my favorite things, which are super lame, like my new vacuum that didn't cost an arm or leg but makes my heart sing. :).

Here are a few of our favorite things on sale for the holidays:
Ours looks a little different than the one on sale, only because ours is 21 years old, and has been used so much the pegs practically slide right through.  This is a classic and toddlers (and preschoolers) love it.

If I could do anything different as a young mother with my first three (who are now 21,19, and 16) what would I do?  Seven things:

1. I'd worry less about what I was "doing wrong" in the sleep department.  Oh, I thought I had messed it up so badly, and was told if only I could let them cry it out, they'd sleep twelve hours at night like "all the other babies" I imagined were.  If only I hadn't let them fall asleep while nursing, I could set them in a crib and walk away.  Yes, I bet life is much easier if babies just plop down to sleep, but my babies didn't work this way. And who cares? When they were old enough (maybe one or two or three depending on the child) they all were great sleepers. I wish I just would have not felt for one moment like I was doing something wrong because we were doing fine-I was a nursing mom with babies who needed to eat a lot and who liked to be close to me.  I learned to just embrace what I had to do to get them to sleep whatever that was for each of them, and know soon enough things would get easier.  Once I did that it stopped being a "problem" and I could enjoy them so much more. (And I also discovered that one day I would yelling from the bottom of the stairs, at those same babies, now teens, "Get up!  You've been sleeping for fifteen hours straight for God's sake!" :)

2. I was never comfortable leaving my babies and small toddlers with babysitters, and again I felt like I must be "doing something wrong" by not wanting to do, or being able, to do this.  I second guessed myself-was I being too protective and making them dependent, by never leaving them for evenings or weekends?  Now I know that's ridiculous. I don't leave my babies or toddlers, it's just too stressful for me. I tossed the pump that I hardly used anyway, after my third.  I do what is comfortable for me, and what works for my little ones, with no second-guessing now.  On a side note, I was talking with another mom the other day about this subject and she said, "One of my biggest regrets is that I stopped nursing my baby because of a wedding I felt pressured to attend that was out-of-town!  Now I'd say "No, sorry, can't go!" in a heartbeat. What in the world was I thinking?"  This leads well into:

3. I'd give myself more credit for all I was doing and not compare myself with all everyone else was doing.  I would simplify, simplify, simplify everything, to have more time for the important stuff.  I would know that nursing a baby, raising babies and toddlers, being pregnant with babies while raising toddlers -it's all hard work and it's okay to say no, no, no to everything else without feeling like I need some elaborate excuse.  Being a peaceful, unstressed, unhurried mother is more important than any event or obligation.

4. I wish I would have read even more to them.  I don't think you can ever ever read too much to your kids! If you want the special secret on how to have really smart kids, turn off the TV, don't let them lay eyes on video/computer games ever and read, read, read.  It's not one bit more complicated than that.
5. I'd buy less, and save more.  Even though I think we did a great job at this, I'd do an even better job, especially when the kids were young and had so few needs.  Less toys, clothes, furniture, decorations, holiday things, gifts, "stuff", all around.

6. I'd put less pressure on myself to lose weight after a baby, it's embarrassing to say that I even did that, but I did.  Ridiculous.

7. I'd spend less time waiting for my life to "get easier" when this or that or the other happens, and just love whatever stage of life I'm in. I'd spend less time looking for the next milestone in my baby's life (it's not a race) and just savor and really appreciate whatever stage of life they are in.

“What if we took all the money and time we put into tutors and coaches and private lessons, and invested instead in making our children holy? Not well-known and praised and celebrated for what they do, but humble and meek and truly holy in who they are?”

Playing:
Some great deals on some of our top favorite indoor toys:

Kapla blocks-once these come out, every age participates, even the teenagers.  I honestly thought, "What is the big deal with these things?  They are small planks of wood!"  but apparently they are irresistible.  My mom has the huge set of these (being the Montessori teacher she is, she is the one who introduced my kids to them) and at every family get together there is some huge protected creation that we all must walk around and not get near, built by one of mine, or a cousin.  They have five full stars on Amazon which is pretty rare, and so it's not just us weird ones that like them.


This is an indoor toy for us and once again it is has worked it's way up from the basement again (our ceilings are too low down there for proper bball games) where it will stay all winter long.  When my oldest walks in the door during college breaks, this is the first thing the littler boys challenge him on.  Every day they play. .

Yes, sometimes it drives me crazy-all furniture pushed to the side, not a pretty look, basketball hoop front and center. Yes, there are heated arguments about rules and who is being too rough, and yes I've marched myself in there and said,"Enough!" when I've heard the ball hit a lampshade too many times (which is also why I buy discount lamps). But I have four sons, and the winters are long and they love basketball, and I love that they play together and burn off energy.

We've tried a few other hoops, this is by far the best one and is the keeper. (The rim doesn't bend down, the strings stay attached, and it has a lot of leeway in it's height.)  If it can survive years at OUR house it can survive anywhere.

I know right now a whole group of parents are in the thick of guiding their teens through applications, testing, and tours with deadlines quickly approaching. A few of you with high schoolers have written to me for advice, so I'd thought I'd share some of what I have learned (having been through it twice so far.)

Here's the BEST ADVICE a college admissions expert said during her presentation to high school parents:


She said, "Just keep repeating that."

It's so true, and it's not about what we want!  Of course the cost is a huge factor, but finding the right fit for them, regardless of any ideas we had while they were growing up, family pressure, or peer pressure makes the most sense.

Whether it's community college or Harvard, the college in the hometown, or the one across the continent, we must just think of what will work for the teen and his learning style, his major if he knows what they want to study, and the environment he will thrive in, and of course financially what works for the parents and the teen and go from there.  It's not a race or a competition or the means to impress the neighbors. Our children and their future should matter more than that.

This same great college admissions expert suggested this:

-Looking at one small, one medium, and one large school lets the student see what the benefits and drawbacks are for each.

-Try to tour when the school is in session so your student can get a feel for the school's "personality".

-Apply to a safety school (sure admission), a comfort school (most likely), and a stretch (might be pushing it) school.

-Be honest and upfront about expenses with our children, what the family can afford, how college will be paid for, and what the student will be contributing or responsible for.

A little PS on that one: I have a friend whose daughter really wanted to attend a school where the program was a great fit but it was out-of-state and very expensive.  Unfortunately it would require the student to graduate with major debt. She had her daughter ask older siblings and relatives for advice and every one of them said, "Don't be saddled with that debt-go to a school you can afford, work hard, and make the most of the opportunities they offer."  I thought the advice was so great but also that the mom urged her daughter to find out from other sources-to ask around, and find out firsthand from the experiences of recent graduates what really counts out there today in the working world. That way it's not all parents saying "Do this or do that" but peers weighing in also.

On testing:
Oh, it's such a game!  I can't stand that part of it, but it is what it is, and a few extra points on the ACT or SAT do make a difference with scholarships in tune to thousands of dollars.  I think it is important for the students to know that there is certain ways to take each test and some will learn this through a class and practice and others will pick it up through a brief rundown.  I know one student who was signed up for a series of expensive pay-by-the hour classes-after just one she told her mom, "I've got it, I figured it out, I know what I did wrong" and never took another session but raised her score the next time considerably. Others need more time to practice and review.  (My kids were never great about practicing on their own, so I just let that part of it go, but there are lots of practice tests they can take that are free.)

I am not an expert-I have had only two of my children so far go through this process, but I've learned so much.  It is easy to lose the broader view of the purpose of higher education.  There is such much debate going on politically also-the worth of a degree, the high cost, the pressure, etc.  So many opinions! I have learned to sweep that all by the wayside-my husband and I have our own opinions on each of those things, and our children know them (and we will learn and change as we go along with each child, I'm sure of that!), and try to keep all the ruckus out of it.  We must help our children do what is best for them in the context of our family and their future, and go from there.

A quick word on motivation:
I always heard that the entire college search and application process should be left entirely to the student.  I have learned myself, and with chats with friends, that this is not realistic for most teens. For sure, some will take that initiative and some will seek out the support if offered at the school. But others are caught up in surviving high school, trying to get good grades, working, participating in high commitment sports, or a host of other stressors. Teens are notorious for living in the moment, and avoiding the pressure of long deadlines and talk of the future. Be patient and be helpful (yes you are allowed to be helpful!) and remember that they have fears of the unknown, and are sometimes under incredible pressure, even if they don't seem to show it or don't talk about it.  The college process is SO different from what I experienced, and can be quite overwhelming and daunting.

If you have been through this process with a child, please feel free to add your thoughts/tips/advice, I'm sure there are much more experienced mothers out there than me!