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As a mother, and as someone who has endured quite a few crisis, health and otherwise, I wanted to share some practical tips to maintain your sanity during a family health crisis.
I’ve broken two bones, undergone intense chemotherapy for months for triple negative breast cancer, and several complicated surgeries years later for reconstruction, my daughter has undergone chemotherapy for Hodgkins, and with six children I’ve had my share of those months where “everything happens at once” when it comes to illness or accidents.
Here are some practical tips on how to maintain your sanity during a family health crisis:
- Accept that things will have to change. I love and thrive on routines and consistency and children do also, and it’s so important to maintain those things but there has to be a “new normal” for awhile. That does NOT mean that you can’t hang on to your routine as things settle, but some things will have to be pushed aside.
- Control. There is SO much we can’t control and when a crisis hits we often have to process this and it’s a hard pill to swallow. BUT, what can we control? Find those things! That will give you some stability under your feet when it feels like you are flapping in the wind. Every evening write out a daily schedule of appointments, and small tasks and the little bit of routine you have each day.
- Meals and laundry. Those are your priorities. Even if you aren’t cooking the meals, or doing the shopping, and must enlist help, figure out how those two things are going to happen first.
- On help: We are so lucky that each time a big crisis has it we have been inundated with offers of help. Have a close friend or family member coordinate how that will look after consulting you. You are not obligated to take up all offers of help if it throws off your family routine or disturbs your peace at home in any way. It’s not help then! Remember that control aspect? You are allowed to grasp for some control when you have lost so much already. I’ll give you three examples.
- My neighbor set up a meal train for us during my treatment and gave super specific instructions after asking me about when the meals should be dropped off and any preferences. This helped so much because it completely took this task off my list.
- My mom was amazing with being at my beck and call during my surgeries but at one time I told her she had to go home! Yes she took it well but my reasoning was that if she was here doing everything for me I didn’t have the incentive to get up in the morning and be needed-my mental health was suffering from chemo and family circumstances and I needed to be needed-I needed an incentive (and there is no incentive like your children requiring care) to get me up and focused on something else.
- My breast surgeon drew 3 circles, one inside the other inside the other, when she shared the diagnosis with me. She said to the smallest one in the center, this is where your focus is. Choose your core. The second larger circle is who you share the surface things with so you don’t get overwhelmed and your team of help. The third outer circle are those that you cannot focus on right now.
5. On children: They will react to illness and crisis in all different ways. The break of routine is not easy and if it’s long term like my cancer was, it will be difficult for them. But children are resilient. And many children all through history have endured terrible terrible things in much worse circumstances than we have today. Point out the good to them (so many good doctors and friends and neighbors and medicine) and remind them that they are strong and can be so helpful also. Sometimes it helps for them to be taken on a fun day with a friend or relative, but also they need that new semblance of a routine also as they need to feel that control when things feel unstable too.
This too shall pass. Keep saying that to yourself.
Things will either slowly get back to normal, or like I mentioned above a “new normal” will be found. Time heals, it really does.
Life isn’t fair and we are not guaranteed an easy one.
Adapting to change is one of the most important skills to learn in life and acceptance is at the very core of this. Accept what is happening and then stand at the helm of that ship and steer it. Take care of yourself by spending some time alone meditating or praying or just breathing. Hone in on your family and your healing but take care of yourself first.
You are so wise. Thank you for sharing this.
God has been showing me he is with me right now, in the middle of our own family crisis, and this timely message is one of them. I’m a long time reader, and it’s like you wrote this just as a message from Him to me. Thank you for being the messenger. I don’t know how to do this, except with His help.
Thank you Julie. I’m so sorry to hear that but I’m glad I could help even a little bit.
I am a much older than you but have learned so much from you. Your faith and positive attitude I am sure helped you through some difficult times
Thank you, Sarah, for putting this in more of a nice, neat, tidy box for me! I feel like I have some direction now. We are going through a temporary crisis right now. My husband slipped on some awful ice and broke 6 ribs the day before his Christmas break, landing us in the hospital for a few days. We did try to keep some of our Christmas traditions for our kids, but man, giving up control over our circumstances around my favorite holiday for two years in a row was hard! I had to keep telling myself how lucky we are that his awful pain and our inability to function in our normal family systems for a couple months is temporary. Many people face crises that are not temporary. That was my inner circle of focus…repeating that to myself…”This is temporary. It will pass”. But I also know that life will continue to be unpredictable. So even though I’m older, this is a good lesson for me to be learning. I will reflect back on your tips and advice frequently in the next couple of months!