Thank you for all your kind words. I appreciate them so much. I am slowly gaining my footing in this new world that I find myself in, but there are times when I feel little confidence and fear can overcome me. But when I look back and I see how far I have come from the beginning of being completely broken I know I am moving forward.
There is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes we overlook the most basic things. I have so so much to be grateful for and that has always been the way out of my grief even if the cloud in front of me was so thick it didn’t seem like it was working. A friend who had the same experiences as I did all at once (yes, isn’t that crazy? I was her nanny a long time ago!) said if you do anything write down 5 things you are grateful for every day even if they are the same things again and again.
In the context that women around the world are experiencing the pain I have walked through but have circumstances that make it much worse-no parental love-that complete trust that seems like the only trust you have left, no friends that endlessly supported me, maybe not even shelter and food, I could see the things I needed to be grateful for. If I looked at the other end-all the other people who didn’t have to suffer like I did-I would plummet down. When I saw people living their lives without fear and pain and stress, or hair! :), I would be met with so much anger and such deep anxiety and depression.
There is a gift in loss. I don’t want to accept it still-I loved feeling so naive and trusting and light about life and so sure that there is just common decency and kindness that is owed one another, I miss that with every fiber of my being. So much has been taken from me, so cruelly. But there is a sense of knowing that you can walk through the fire and still come out the other side, that you carry a wisdom of suffering that settles the soul and creates deep empathy and perspective, that I have to think will benefit me and those like my friend who guided me through the worst days, can benefit others.