I turned 50 on Saturday. The much feared 50 is heaven for me. I will gladly kiss my late 40’s goodbye.
I was describing it (in tears) to someone as crisis after crisis. I felt like God would push me under the water to endure another trial, bring me up to catch my breath and let me relax just a tiny bit, and then say NOPE, back down you go. Like a pool bully-you know the one.
He wanted something for me I imagine-to morph me into someone new, but heck is that very very painful and honestly it almost killed me. I have mourned for my old life in many ways, where the biggest problem seemed to be what I was having for dinner, or that the garage door wouldn’t work, or other trivial, or not so trivial but not so huge things that we could recover quickly from. I miss that girl. But I also know that I life is about changing and growing and breaking open and healing and blooming again. My faith is SO much stronger than it has ever been and the love for my family-for my husband, my children, and my parents, along with extended family is deeper than ever. And friendships were forged during my late 40’s that I will forever ever treasure dearly.
Jeff threw me a huge surprise party and pampered me all week. I loved all the gifts and celebrations and the kids being all in town. And the cake! Look at this thing! Friends and family helped to make it extra special.
I am LUCKY to turn 50. Some do not get the gift of another year. I am lucky to be here today. I am lucky to have the deep authentic love my husband and I share and to have all my children here and healthy. I am incredibly lucky to have a warm and cozy home, and money to afford so many things. I am grateful to have my health-to have eyes and ears and to taste and smell, and to be able to take walks and not spend so many hours in doctor’s offices. I am so lucky that my chemo worked. I am lucky to have my family here with me and to have quiet evenings of closeness and laughter and yes, homework arguments and bedtime arguments and meal clean-up and laundry and boys riding scooters in the house and everything else that makes a home a home.
I love my life-with all the mountains and I also love the valleys of beautiful wildflowers and easy terrain (God did you hear that?).
I am incredibly grateful to have the upbringing I have had. I have said to my parents many times this year “Thank you for making me haul in firewood in the winter” and I mean it. And thank you for making me clean out the awful chicken coop, and thank you for raising me so simply without many material things so I know what is important in life. Thank you for cultivating a love of books and knowledge. Thank you for working so so hard for me so that I had the example of what sacrifice really is. Thank you for letting me see you persevere during your own crisis in life so that I know it is possible to come down the other side. Thank for so much for passing on your faith and cementing in me at a young age that there is more to life, something much much bigger, than “me”. Perseverance, reverence, resilience, gratefulness, simplicity….the gifts I was blessed with as a child and adult go on and on from the upbringing they provided me.
So here is to 50! I am grateful and excited.