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Home ยป Blog ยป What I Know Now

What I Know Now

by Sarah Turner Clover Lane

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(These are two trees that used to stand in a farm field by the house I grew up in-I used to call them  “the perfect and imperfect trees” – maybe I love Anne of Green Gables so much because she would name things in nature also.:)

I am going to be very transparent in this post, which is brave, so I am taking a deep breath to hit publish.

My quote this week was on perfectionism, something I realized about a year ago that I really, really struggled with, and have worked hard to improve upon.  I always thought perfectionism could be explained as paying way too much attention to detail-having to have that cupcake look Martha Stewart perfect, or my hair and makeup just so.  That wasn’t me, so I never gave it much thought.  I learned with help that it is typical to think that is what perfectionism is-but it’s not at all what it is at the core.  I would have never ever described myself as a perfectionist before I knew the real definition.

I can explain it best like this:

Until this and that and the other is exactly right in my life-the situation, my weight, the projects in my home, the amount in our savings account, and the children fulfilled happy adults-I should not feel truly settled, content and happy or worthy of love.  The number on the scale will be ___, and then I can be happy.  Every room in the house will look finished and organized, and on and on and on and then I can truly feel those things and enjoy life.

The thing is-as a mother, a wife, a woman, a human-nothing will EVER be finished, because none of those things are attainable all the time-it’s the personal spiritual “invention” of these goals, these circumstances that CAN never be complete that is really the problem.  Because the truth is, if all these un-attainables lined up just so, I’d quickly invent the next in line.  I felt I didn’t deserve happiness (I didn’t know I felt this way until I dug really deep with a professional’s help) if everything in my life wasn’t completely the way I imagined it should be.  It is really at the core of it all “the refusal to love and accept oneself in a state of imperfection*.”

I think more than ever, so many of us women fall into this today.  For me it was a habit I remember cultivating as a teen-I loved to look at magazines, to study the way the models looked, the homes perfect, the stories with happy happy endings where everything worked out just so.  Today the opportunity to compare these illusions of perfection is a thousand fold what they used to be, and the expectations are almost laughable.

So if you are doing this, STOP.  As my favorite priest says, “If you are waiting for it to be perfect, it’s over.”  Yes, you’ll be dead when it’s perfect.  If I could go back so many years I can’t even count I’d tell myself this:

Get help. 

Take baby steps of self-love.  Pray for it.

Sit with, right in the middle of the mess and feel content and relaxed in your whole being, shut down the racing mind of what needs to be done and cultivate that spirit constantly.  

Be naked (in daylight:)! in front of your husband and know that he thinks you are gorgeous no matter what you weigh or how fit you are.  Know it yourself.

Say “oh well” about all the little things that don’t matter.

Leave the house with the kitchen a mess and truly not care.  

Give the baby a bottle or two of formula so you can sleep more than 90 minutes consecutively and you can feel alive again, the baby will be fine.  There is no perfect way to raise a baby.

Love that your furniture doesn’t match and your house will never look like a magazine feature because who the heck cares except Instagram.  (Get off Instagram, or anything that makes you compare or feel less than-protect yourself!)  

Serve Stouffers mac n cheese and hotdogs at your next gathering, no one cares and if they do, they have the problem not you. 

It’s ok to do one thing well, and feel that joy of “I’ve done well”, but know then, that everything else has to give, so lower your expectations everywhere else.  

Tell yourself you love yourself every single day and take time to do something, anything, for yourself so you feel good-you are worthy of time to care for your being while you are spending so much of your time serving others.

Recognize when you are overwhelmed and get help, don’t beat yourself up for not accomplishing it all. 

Spend most of your time on your relationships (your relationship with God first), everything else deserves to be second place.  


LIFE WILL NEVER EVER BE PERFECT.  It will never just all fall into place, that’s called heaven and we are earthlings.  True joy comes from being kind, and loving and understanding and welcoming towards our husbands and children and families and friends and most of all ourselves.

*I read a lot of books on perfectionism but this book is the one that really really helped me:

Letters To A Perfectionist by Tad Frizzell

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September 11, 2018 ยท 27 Comments

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  1. Rebekah says

    September 11, 2018 at 6:27 am

    Amen!!! Sarah, your blog posts are always such a big breath of fresh air. I'm so glad there's people like you who are passing on their wisdom to today's young mothers. We need more people like you in our world! Thank you for taking the time to care for those that stop by your blog. You are appreciated and admired more than you will ever know.

    Reply
  2. Raluca says

    September 11, 2018 at 6:40 am

    Thank you for this post and congrats for the courage of being vulnerable! (I think this is the post you promised me years ago!?)
    Although my house is always a mess, when we go out, I strive that my whole family of 6 is picture-perfect. Because of this, usually we are late, which drives my husband crazy. He perpetually claims that it would be better to be imperfect and on time, than perfect and late.
    I really think perfectionism is fear of being judged.

    Reply
  3. Laura says

    September 11, 2018 at 6:42 am

    I was just listening to a podcast on โ€œlearn do become radioโ€ and then during a discussion at church this was mentionedโ€” the word โ€œperfectโ€ is the Greek word โ€œteleiosโ€ which is translated as โ€œcomplete, finishedโ€. It does not mean flawless and without error. The Hebrew meaning is also โ€œcomplete, mature, healthy.โ€ That just helped me think in a whole new way! We do not need to be flawless or have it all together all the time. And I think the only way to become truly complete is through Christ. But those thoughts really helped me think about perfection differently. I have a far way to go work through my own issues of perfectionism, but I think you hit it right on in this post!

    Reply
  4. Eileen says

    September 11, 2018 at 12:07 pm

    Thank you for this. I always appreciate your honesty and transparency. I really needed to hear this today.

    Reply
  5. Laura says

    September 11, 2018 at 12:34 pm

    I so needed this. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts! I know many women who need this as well.

    Reply
  6. Sandy says

    September 11, 2018 at 1:20 pm

    Great words Sarah. It is kind of crazy what we do to ourselves. Your list is one to start with. I am 58 and I wish so desperately I had heard and listened to more of these words along the way.

    Reply
  7. Susan says

    September 11, 2018 at 2:49 pm

    Thank you so much for this Sarah. I am very hard on myself to present a "perfect" appearance. And, in the end, I am stressed out and annoyed and my family is on edge. As I approach 50 – next week – I am going to focus on enjoying each day – imperfections and all!!

    Reply
  8. Andrea says

    September 11, 2018 at 3:17 pm

    This is totally me, something I struggle against all the time. Thank you for the blessings of your words. It helps so much to hear other women voice the feelings I am having!! Thank you.

    Reply
  9. Anonymous says

    September 11, 2018 at 3:37 pm

    Have you ever read Road Back to You? It's about the Enneagram personality typing system (you can read up on the Enneagram from other sources but this book is a great start.) The Enneagram looks at personality as who God created you to be if sin hadn't gotten in the way. It's SO fascinating! I too am a perfectionist and I learned through reading Road Back to You how God created me this way and that there is a healthy version of perfectionism (as you discuss above) but there is also an unhealthy version. The Enneagram teaches you about your strengths (which is so refreshing to us as perfectionists!) but also how to grow in areas where perfectionism is taking over. (There are 9 personality types and there are 7 people in my family. Almost all of us have a different personality type so this book is fascinating and it has really helped my parenting and my marriage b/c now I can see behaviors in light of the Enneagram, rather than taking behaviors personally.) It's worth the read!

    Reply
    • Raluca says

      September 11, 2018 at 8:45 pm

      sounds fascinating! thank you!

      Reply
  10. Evaly says

    September 11, 2018 at 5:38 pm

    Isnโ€™t it funny how we can struggle with perfectionism and not even realize it?! I had a similar awareness a few years ago. Thank you for the advice, I needed it today โค๏ธ

    Reply
    • Elline 23 says

      September 11, 2018 at 6:52 pm

      Exactly what I was going to say~cheers!

      Reply
  11. Unknown says

    September 11, 2018 at 6:29 pm

    Sarah, I've been silent follower for years.. Even before I had 2 kids of my own. This post really hit home. THANK YOU. I try so hard to be perfect; the perfect wife, mom, friend, housemaker, etc. But in the end, I realize- it doesn't even matter! All that matters is that we try our best, love God and those around us, and be kind to ourselves. Thank you again for this eye opening post. God bless you and your family.

    Reply
  12. Unknown says

    September 11, 2018 at 7:56 pm

    As a long time follower/admirer and mother of 10, 7 now married, I LOVE this post. Thank you for opening up. My married daughters, and daughters in law, young moms, will benefit so much from your philosophy. In a day where young moms are literally bombarded with unrealistic expectations, itโ€™s so important to self love and self appreciate. I just think youโ€™re awesome:)โค๏ธ

    Reply
  13. Rachel Ballenger says

    September 11, 2018 at 8:21 pm

    This is the best post of the YEAR!!! So, so good. Thank you. I shared it with about 20 friends of mine!

    Reply
  14. Billie Jo says

    September 11, 2018 at 8:28 pm

    Love this Sarah.
    Simply love.

    Reply
  15. pelotalk says

    September 12, 2018 at 2:52 am

    Thank you for being able to express your growing pains so well. These are wise words. I grow with you as you share.

    Reply
  16. green says

    September 12, 2018 at 12:31 pm

    โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ

    Reply
  17. Alissa says

    September 12, 2018 at 2:04 pm

    Thank you for this post. I think I am a lot like you, from what you've described here. I have followed your blog for several years and find it very uplifting and helpful. It is a blessing to me when others open up and share their real life experience like you have done!

    Reply
  18. April says

    September 12, 2018 at 2:56 pm

    Thank you for this post. I've struggled with not feeling adequate (because of comparison) since my teens as well. I've always said to myself, I will be less stressed/more relaxed/more at peace when X,Y or Z finally happens. But once it does, as you said, I find the next thing that needs to be "just so" before I can be content. I am going to look into that book.

    Reply
  19. KC says

    September 12, 2018 at 3:57 pm

    OMG what an eye opener. I am a perfectionist and didn't know it until reading your post. This is what a lot of mothers and women in particular do- fixate on the "idea" of perfect things (house, weight, hair, clothes, marriage, kids) and miss the beauty in all of our imperfections as humans.
    Thank you for being brave and courageous and sharing your thoughts. Life-changing for me.

    Reply
  20. Kim says

    September 12, 2018 at 5:03 pm

    This is a great post! Thanks for posting…

    Reply
  21. Ruth says

    September 12, 2018 at 8:03 pm

    Thank you for your wise words every week. You have no idea how much they bless and lift me in my mothering days of young children.

    Reply
  22. Danielle says

    September 13, 2018 at 9:11 pm

    Thank you so much for this post! I feel like it was written just for me. I find myself starting each day with a giant to do list to try to get each and every thing in my lift to be "just so." The realization to put my energy to into relationships is so powerful.

    "True joy comes from being kind, and loving and understanding and welcoming towards our husbands and children and families and friends and most of all ourselves."

    Yes!

    Reply
  23. Anne says

    September 14, 2018 at 9:39 pm

    I loved this post and can relate, I feel this exact way. I have a rushing list through my head at all times of everything I need to do and one day my goal is to have no list…which will never happen. I recently started reading Beth Moore's book "So Long, Insecurity" and she relates both perfectionism and people pleasing to having roots in insecurity. I had never connected all 3 of those, all 3 of which I struggle with. I am trying to learn to put my security and value in God alone and not my husband, kids, family, home, friends and others opinions.

    Reply
  24. Terri says

    September 20, 2018 at 4:26 am

    Beautiful post. Thank you.

    Reply
  25. Jayme Ziemer says

    February 16, 2019 at 2:40 am

    A-MEN! (or as my 6-year old daughter 'All Men and Women' hahaha.) Social media has this hold over us that makes us extra crazy. Before it was just magazines we could fantasize over. But now, its everywhere. Inundating our existence to the point of causing madness among us mothers.

    Reply

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Sarah Turner

When our first baby was placed in my arms I knew there was no place I wanted to be other than home with him every day. Twenty five years, and five more babies later, (six children, now ages 26-8), I still feel the same. I blog here about motherhood, how to make a house a home, easy recipes, and simple living. You can read more about me here.

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Nothing pretty, flashy, or spectacular. Just an o Nothing pretty, flashy, or spectacular.  Just an ordinary Monday morning breakfast counter after the kids leave for school.  Because ordinary gets the short hand in our culture but really it's extra special. 
It's a symbol of unselfishness, contentment, prudence and gratitude.  There is a certain peace about the ordinary.  It's the opposite of temporary-it holds the joy of contentment and gratitude and prudence all in one hand.  It's lends itself toward peace, and a settling in, not a constant search for more or less or anything.  Ordinary is authentic and good enough- in short it's a gem in disguise. ๐Ÿƒ
I love my home and I hope you do also. With all t I love my home and I hope you do also.  With all the imperfections and maintenance it requires, when I pull up and walk in I want to stay, to relax, to feel safe, for daily life to be easy, and to care for "home". I want simplicity, ease, convenience.  To me when my home is simple, without being filled to the brim of things that just take up space I love it best.  I hope if you've participated fully or even partially as time allowed in 40 Bags in 40 Days you've found that joy and pride in your home.  I plan to share more little challenges and tips as the year proceeds to trouble shoot areas and keep maintenance effortless and the house love flowing.  Daily life in our homes should bring us joy and ease while we care for our families, we should be thoughtful stewards of our money and of our time and simple living is the answer to that. 
Thank you for participating! ๐Ÿก
I think this is one of the best things about the 4 I think this is one of the best things about the 40 Bag decluttering process.  When I know what I have and have removed all that I don't, it cultivates more discretion and caution about what I bring back in.  I think there is also some realization of how much money is wasted on fads, or thoughtless purchases.  It's quite eye-opening.  I've become so much more careful, and find we all take better care of things, as do my children.
The final week of 40 Bags in 40 Days! I've tackle The final week of 40 Bags in 40 Days!  I've tackled all the areas of my home with exception of my oldest daughter's room (not the photo)- which she is excited to work on this week.
The simpler the room, the easier it is to clean an The simpler the room, the easier it is to clean and straighten up.  And then the more enjoyable it is to actually sit in that room.  It's not a hard equation, all it takes is ruthless purging-and not just little things but larger items also.  Functional furniture is the key and very few decorative pieces especially when children are in the home, makes life so much easier. 
๐Ÿƒ
As we head into the last week of the 40 Bags in 40 As we head into the last week of the 40 Bags in 40 Days Challenge I'm hearing from so many of you what a difference it has made in your appreciation of your homes, a certain contentment, and at the same time a thrill of looking in on the organized kitchen, closet and living space.  I agree!  I love purging, cleaning and organizing a space and then going back later that day just to get that wonderful sense of accomplishment.  It makes such a difference! 
๐Ÿƒ
A lighter, fresher, calmer home is the result of de-cluttering.  I even had a participant who had been planning on listing her home, start 40 Days just to get her house ready to sell, and then was so ruthless in the process and also thrilled by the results that they decided to stay put in what seemed like a new home to them.  What a savings of time, money and energy. 
๐Ÿƒ
Next week I will be talking maintenance and answer all questions! โ˜€๏ธ
Tips For Shared Kids Rooms- This bedroom has seen Tips For Shared Kids Rooms-
This bedroom has seen every configuration possible.  With kids spread out 18 years apart, I've had to be creative over the years-which I think is the key to sharing rooms.  It is all possible-I consider it a rare luxury and privilege to not have to share a room although I know that is not the norm today. 
๐Ÿƒ
I like to create a simple look with white furniture (this ends up making room transitions easier also when moving someone out and someone else in.) I also like to match bedspreads for a cohesive look. 
๐Ÿƒ
Clip on bed lights save space. 
๐Ÿƒ
A simple shared book shelf can hold a child's special books and knick knacks and if necessary can be assigned per shelf.
๐Ÿƒ
When my kids were younger I had my dad build me a large wooden roll out box for under each bed.  This held each child's toys. 
๐Ÿƒ
All clothes are kept in a closet instead of dressers to save space.
I feel like I bailed on everyone following 40 Bags I feel like I bailed on everyone following 40 Bags progress and tips.  My excuse is the stomach flu ravaging us all here in the last week with me being the last to fall and the slowest to recover.  On top of that the weekend before I tried to roller blade (don't even ask how many steps I made it) and majorly bit it.  Thankfully I think I just sprained my arm. So I've been using one arm for nursing sick children back to health, and doing whatever cleaning and cooking and straightening I can do.  Alas, last week was a wash.  We have two weeks to go.  I'd like to continue and end on a high note.  How about you?  Even a little de-cluttering counts! Spring is in the air and I can't wait to throw open my windows and let fresh clean air circulate through my fresh clean orderly home. โ˜€๏ธ๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒฑ
Especially where kids are concerned- we tend to th Especially where kids are concerned- we tend to think that the more things they have the happier and more occupied and loved they will feel.  Nothing can replace human interaction and I've found that too many toys has the reverse affect.  They cause overwhelm-just like us - we'd rather sit in an orderly space than one filled with too many things to do and too much stuff.
โ˜€๏ธ
When it comes to kids closets here are some tips-
1. Hand me downs don't all have to be received.  Or received at all.  Be choosy and keep just what they will use and need.
2. When children are presented with too many choices, tension and acrimony can exist.  Being able to open a closet with a reasonable amount of outfits can create more peace.
3. Cultivating independence in care of clothes is easier when there is less and the space is simplified and organized. 
โ˜€๏ธ
More tips coming on the blog this week.  I am moving my blog platform so I can't make any promises - it's under construction and that's exciting!
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