I just dropped Janey off at preschool. She is going three mornings a week for 2 1/2 hours. We went to a mom/child orientation for an hour and she wouldn’t let go of my hand so I have been up the last two nights letting all the fears of a bad parting grow in my head.
But today she woke up excited to go, and when I took her out of the car and the helper came to take her to the preschool line, she turned and said, “Mom I want you to take me in.” I said, “Only teachers are allowed, and this nice lady is going to take you to your classroom.” She said, “OK” and walked to the line. I watched her little hands covering her little eyes-not from tears but from the bright sun.
And I told myself I would not lose it, I would not cry, it’s 3 fast mornings a week, it’s so good for her, she wants to be around other little friends, all the kids have done it and loved it, I have been home with her for all this time, I will still get her all the other days, her teacher is one of my mother mentors for God’s sake, it’s a long road till she leaves for college, GET IT TOGETHER.
I got in the car and lasted till the end of the building
and now it’s the ugly cry. Driving home without tissues and thank God it’s a route I know well.
I prepared a list of things for me to do, vacuum therapy is what I call it. It works for everything. Cookie baking therapy does too but that has repercussions, some of which I am still working off.
Because it’s been so many years of this.
And I love it.
And I want it to last forever. I am not ready to let the little years go, but I have realized I never will be.
I said on the way in to school “I wish I could have babies forever. But that would be weird because I’d be like an old Grandma saying “Look at my newborn!”
And Andrew said, “Yes and you would die and that wouldn’t be fair to the kids.”
This is such an Andrew thing to say, that right brained, logical way of thinking, straight up and out of his mouth.
But I mean it. I love it. And I don’t want it to end. Or change, I should say, because mothering never ends, I know that. I want a toddler in my house forever. I want a little tiny soft hand to hold, and toys in my living room, someone “helping” me bake cookies, and all of it. I dragged this out as long as I could, I will give myself credit for that at least.
I cried when I dropped off Abbey too at college this year, It feels like she is never coming back. And it seems like yesterday that I dropped her off at the same preschool. And maybe that’s why it’s so hard. This perspective of having young adults all the way to a little ones, seeing the warped speed of time and asking yourself so many times, “How did we get to this point so quickly?”
I am so grateful for all the years I’ve had with these kids at home. I’m grateful that I can’t regret a moment of not being here, and that goodbyes are hard, especially with little ones, because I haven’t said them very much at all.
Off to vacuum.