In these two weeks:
Matt started sophomore year
Andrew and Patrick will begin first and sixth
Janey celebrates her third birthday (can you believe it?)
Andrew celebrates his twelfth
we drop Abbey off for her first year at college
Isaac drives himself to his last year of college.
I am tired from an intense summer and must pull this all off.
A friend asked me earlier this month how I feel about dropping Abbey off, and honestly, I’m emotional, but it seems in this house (and moms of large families please does it seem this way to you?) everything happens all at once. (Remember when I gave birth to Janey the night we dropped Isaac off at college the first time, which happened to be Andrew’s birthday?) I want to savor the moments, I don’t want to live always thinking of that “next thing” I have to do, but sometimes I do have to check off my list, and move on to the next event.
I told this friend that I feel like it’s all a blur sometimes. I have a hard time really contemplating any of it at this pace, and I am hesitant about feeling too emotional when faced with each transition. Really, I am afraid I would just cry straight for weeks at how fast my children are growing up and leaving this house and that would be bad on my sinuses if not a little emotionally disturbing for the children. It would also inhibit me from moving to the next need down the line.
I was feeling guilty about that-that blurry feeling, that on-to-the-next-thing mentality-and then I had a revelation:
God knows what is best for me.
As much as I wish I had more time to dwell on this event and that emotion, I need to accept that I am not a bystander, I am the conductor, the hostess, the producer-yes, in these roles one can enjoy one’s work, and have wonderful moments, but they have a duty and an obligation to fill that weighs heavy.
I realized in a split second that God knows what is best for me-he knows that I need to move forward, to not dwell, to keep my hands and heart and mind busy, which is why He gave me these six children, and many chores and responsibilities when there are big life changes.
It does and will continue perhaps to happen all at once around here, maybe that is the nature of having a big family and this is His way of protecting me from myself and deep emotion. It will fly by, this life of mine, but I am here in the thick of it. When I realized this, I felt the pressure lift off and began to feel calmer, and stronger, and filled with gratitude for this incredible role I have been assigned. He has given me the work I need to move forward, and He supplies me with the strength to handle it all.