• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • House Love
  • Mothering
  • Recipes
  • Books
  • Tutorials
  • 40 Bags In 40 Days
  • Nav Social Menu

    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Contact

Clover Lane

  • Parenting With Grace-Book Study: Chapter One
  • Parenting With Grace-Book Study: Chapter Two
  • Parenting With Grace-Book Study: Chapter Four
  • Parenting With Grace-Book Study: Chapter Five
  • Parenting With Grace-A Book Study
Home ยป Blog ยป Parenting With Grace-Book Study: Chapter Six

Parenting With Grace-Book Study: Chapter Six

by Sarah Turner Clover Lane

Share
Pin
Tweet
Email
Print

Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising almost Perfect Kids

(Intro here, and Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five)

Everything in quotations can be directly attributed to the authors, unless otherwise noted.  These are my own very brief personal notes/interpretation/things I want to remember. 

Chapter Six: Parenting Your Toddler With Grace

More than any other stage but perhaps the adolescence, parents experience more intense positive and negative feelings toward their children.

The chief goals of self-donative parenting is to know your child’s heart at each stage and age so that your child will come to your first for love, guidance and formation.

By being an attached parent in the infant years, you “poured” a foundation of trust in which to build love and responsibility.  Toddlerhood is the time for that foundation to “set up”.

Infants whose attachment is secured have an easier time as toddlers-less belligerent, more peaceful.  

Fostering Healthy Will and Independence

1. Respect that the child’s initiatives are not motivated out of destruction and evil, but God-given curiosity.

2. Nurture a way to stop inappropriate activity without child feeling constantly foiled and frustrated.

3. Discover ways to deal with toddler frustrations (tantrums sometimes) by recognizing that his will and initiative is greater then his communication skills and ability to deal with strong feelings.

Notes on Willfulness

Some parenting experts believe that infants are “inherently evil” and their will must be broken-by using means such as corporal punishment.

Catholics believe that the human will MUST BE RESPECTED.  We don not believe that the human will is “oppressed” by the devil.  We believe Jesus Christ raised humanity-the will must be channeled and trained by new disparaged and broken.

ex.  The same “no” that a toddler screams at a parent, needs to be properly cultivated to evolve into a no that one day, that older child will need to assert to others who try to lead her into drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, etc. You don’t want to subvert that no.  Will must be respected!

Seven Great Tips For Parenting Toddlers With Grace


1. Be Aware of the Primary Mission of Toddlers 

Parenting with the Theology of the Body in mind, the primary mission of toddlers is to learn how to use their bodies in appropriate and respectful ways…acquiring mastery over limbs, bowels, language.

We need to encourage that mastery in healthy ways-with patience, gentleness, without yelling, losing temper or punishing mistakes!

All the other skills-emotional control, respect, obedience, etc. can come ONLY to the degree that the child has mastered his body and language.

Notes on Toilet Training

-should convey that the body is not something to be disgusted with, but rather something good that can be mastered. (Catholic Theology of the Body)

-book Toilet Training Without Tears by Dr. Charles Schaefer is good, also Dr. Sears methods.  (I’ve usethis one, with my toddlers, my tips and thoughtshere.)

2. Child-Proof!

It is unjust to take a child who because of his age has poor impulse control, and set him up for failure and punishment by dangling fascinating but forbidden fruit in front of him.

Don’t smack hands!  That inhibits exploratory behavior, teaches hitting is OK, and ignores the development curiosity of the child!

Child-proofing the house (that means putting away knick-knacks, not just dealing with danger!) means less negativity dealing with the toddler (shouting No! constantly), but also less for us to clean, and more time with our toddlers.

3. Say “No Thank You”

From the day your child is born model the behavior you want to see!  Say “no thank you” when he/she does a behavior that is inappropriate (i.e. grabbing your nose to hard, biting while you are nursing, trying to feed the cat to the heat duct)-respond with a gentle but firm “No thank you!” while you interrupt the action.

You are modeling respect to a child who simply doesn’t know better.  If you want politeness returned to you, you must model it first.

4. Give A Healthy Way To Express Autonomy and Initiative

Our children must be taught that the reason God gave us our body is it work for the good of others.

“Do By Self” often leads to tantrums and parental insanity when child can’t find appropriate ways to assert his independence.

Our job is to find ways he can express this initiative appropriately.  Working-completing small jobs, feeling he can help while learning new skills is a healthy outlet for this initiative.


5. Use Redirection As Much As Possible

Instead of turning your house into the house of “no!”-toddlers yelling no’s, parents yelling no’s, use redirection.

Ask yourself  “What will my child be more interested in than the thing he or she is heading towards?”
Sales pitch is everything!

Always pair your “no thank you!” with a suggestion of what the child CAN do instead.


The tendency your toddler has to do what you just told him not to do is NOT an act of disobedience at this age, but a manifestation of your child’s develomental inability to redirect himself or herself.

The complaint of using redirection is “I’ll have to stay on top of him all the time”- That is an overstatement-you might get less done, but nothing is more important than teaching life lessons to your children.

6. Use “Do-Overs to Teach Self Mastery

For example, toddlers have a hard time “being gentle”-have them do over an activity in a gentle way.  “Please hand the toy, or touch your brother’s cheek etc, gently.”  Show them what that means.  SO much more effective than yelling “No!” and/or slapping a hand (which is not modeling gentle behavior at all.)

Encouraging gentle behavior will cultivate a gentle spirit in your child.

7. Educate Yourself About Gentle Tantrum Interventions


Two Types of Tantrums-Manipulative Tantrums tend to occur AFTER age five and Distress Tantrums, which can result at any age but are almost always the kind displayed in toddlerhood.

Manipulative tantrums occur when a child HAS the capacity for self-control but intentionally chooses to not use it as a conscious ply to wear out the parent.

Distress tantrums occur when a child’s resources are OUTMATCHED by the child’s environment.

Toddlers can become overwhelmed by frustration of knowing what they want to say/do, but are unable to get their body to do what their brain wants to do.


Put yourself in their place to fully understand-what if you knew what you wanted to say to someone, but couldn’t get those words to come out of your mouth, or if you could visualize yourself doing certain activities with competence, but when you went to do them, your body would not cooperate.  Now imagine someone standing over you, saying, “Please stop.  Don’t do that.”  Frustration!  In toddler that frustration is often overwhelming and a distress tantrum can result.


Distress tantrums do lessen with age as abilities to speak and move body increase.


Dealing with Distress Tantrums:

This will depend on age


Remove your child from the environment and try to comfort him.  Hold him gently but firmly if you need to and show him how to take deep breaths to calm down.  Remind him to use his words and try to give him words if needed to talk him through his strong feelings.  Reassure him that he’ll be OK and be calm yourself-staying calm helps stimulate the child’s vagus nerve (nerve resents bodily mechanisms to pre-stress level) and teaches him to regain a sense of composure.



If holding child makes things dramatically worse, (usually this might be an older toddler), let him know he can rejoin family when he or she is calmer.  If this escalates things, it is usually because the child has worked himself into such a state that he has too much adrenaline running through his system.  He needs your help-take him to a quiet darker place, hold him or rock him, nurse him if still nursing, talk to him, sing to him.  Try a bath.  Usually toddler will fall asleep after this.  (Baths are miraculous!:)



After it’s over with, instruct and rehearse how to handle similar problems in the future.

My notes:

–  Here is a favorite article I just love titled “If I Could Only Offer One Piece of Advice to Young Mothers”.  




Share
Pin
Tweet
Email
Print

February 27, 2014 ยท 4 Comments

Follow by Email

Previous Post: « Parenting With Grace-Book Study: Chapter Five
Next Post: 40 Bags in 40 Days: The Basics »

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recipe Rating




Comments

  1. Magnolia Verandah says

    February 27, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    I am really enjoying your snippets from this book.

    Reply
  2. Valerie says

    February 28, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    Since reading this book We have used the 'no thank you' with our children. At first my husband thought it might be silly to talk like that but after they start using it themselves, especially when out in public and having random strangers complimenting on how polite my( tantrum throwing) toddler is, he is a convert.
    I truly believe in building them up and exercising their will, not crushing them or breaking them and this book has been helping us in the process. It is nice to have a parenting book including some theological background as it helps us to keep in mind that we are helping a little human being develop to be what God intends him/ her to be.

    Reply
  3. Lisa says

    March 4, 2014 at 12:01 am

    sarah, i'm trying to find your '40 bags/40 days' posts and i can't find any of them. help! seesalou@gmail.com

    Reply
  4. The Nem's!! says

    March 12, 2014 at 5:03 am

    I stopped reading your insights from the chapters of this bookโ€ฆbecause I bought it and I don't want to spoil it! ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you for the book recommendation! I chose this book to read during Lent..we'll see if I can finish it by Easter! I will buy (almost) anything you recommend! I think you are a wonderful mother and I love all your posts!

    Reply

Primary Sidebar

Welcome!

Sarah Turner

When our first baby was placed in my arms I knew there was no place I wanted to be other than home with him every day. Twenty five years, and five more babies later, (six children, now ages 26-8), I still feel the same. I blog here about motherhood, how to make a house a home, easy recipes, and simple living. You can read more about me here.

21 years of our best-loved, most-used quality toys!

Follow by Email

Recent Posts

  • Sorting, Saving and Storing Children’s Keepsakes-A Quick and Easy Guide for Busy Moms
  • No-Clutter Easter Basket Ideas
  • Favorite Kitchen Items
  • Favorite Smoothie Recipe
  • Bathroom Organization-Five Tips For Purging and Organization

Topics

Amazon Affiliate Disclaimer

Clover Lane is participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. Read my disclosure.

Happy Easter! A beautiful day filled with hope an Happy Easter!  A beautiful day filled with hope and new beginnings - focus on the future, the blessings, the cycle of life where darkness doesn't triumph, but light and love and fresh days ahead - and sunshine - does.  We grow and change and let the old shed, the suffering transform, and rebuild with energy and hope to become closer to Jesus.  Love to you all.
I love my home and I hope you do also. With all t I love my home and I hope you do also.  With all the imperfections and maintenance it requires, when I pull up and walk in I want to stay, to relax, to feel safe, for daily life to be easy, and to care for "home". I want simplicity, ease, convenience.  To me when my home is simple, without being filled to the brim of things that just take up space I love it best.  I hope if you've participated fully or even partially as time allowed in 40 Bags in 40 Days you've found that joy and pride in your home.  I plan to share more little challenges and tips as the year proceeds to trouble shoot areas and keep maintenance effortless and the house love flowing.  Daily life in our homes should bring us joy and ease while we care for our families, we should be thoughtful stewards of our money and of our time and simple living is the answer to that. 
Thank you for participating! ๐Ÿก
I think this is one of the best things about the 4 I think this is one of the best things about the 40 Bag decluttering process.  When I know what I have and have removed all that I don't, it cultivates more discretion and caution about what I bring back in.  I think there is also some realization of how much money is wasted on fads, or thoughtless purchases.  It's quite eye-opening.  I've become so much more careful, and find we all take better care of things, as do my children.
The final week of 40 Bags in 40 Days! I've tackle The final week of 40 Bags in 40 Days!  I've tackled all the areas of my home with exception of my oldest daughter's room (not the photo)- which she is excited to work on this week.
The simpler the room, the easier it is to clean an The simpler the room, the easier it is to clean and straighten up.  And then the more enjoyable it is to actually sit in that room.  It's not a hard equation, all it takes is ruthless purging-and not just little things but larger items also.  Functional furniture is the key and very few decorative pieces especially when children are in the home, makes life so much easier. 
๐Ÿƒ
As we head into the last week of the 40 Bags in 40 As we head into the last week of the 40 Bags in 40 Days Challenge I'm hearing from so many of you what a difference it has made in your appreciation of your homes, a certain contentment, and at the same time a thrill of looking in on the organized kitchen, closet and living space.  I agree!  I love purging, cleaning and organizing a space and then going back later that day just to get that wonderful sense of accomplishment.  It makes such a difference! 
๐Ÿƒ
A lighter, fresher, calmer home is the result of de-cluttering.  I even had a participant who had been planning on listing her home, start 40 Days just to get her house ready to sell, and then was so ruthless in the process and also thrilled by the results that they decided to stay put in what seemed like a new home to them.  What a savings of time, money and energy. 
๐Ÿƒ
Next week I will be talking maintenance and answer all questions! โ˜€๏ธ
Tips For Shared Kids Rooms- This bedroom has seen Tips For Shared Kids Rooms-
This bedroom has seen every configuration possible.  With kids spread out 18 years apart, I've had to be creative over the years-which I think is the key to sharing rooms.  It is all possible-I consider it a rare luxury and privilege to not have to share a room although I know that is not the norm today. 
๐Ÿƒ
I like to create a simple look with white furniture (this ends up making room transitions easier also when moving someone out and someone else in.) I also like to match bedspreads for a cohesive look. 
๐Ÿƒ
Clip on bed lights save space. 
๐Ÿƒ
A simple shared book shelf can hold a child's special books and knick knacks and if necessary can be assigned per shelf.
๐Ÿƒ
When my kids were younger I had my dad build me a large wooden roll out box for under each bed.  This held each child's toys. 
๐Ÿƒ
All clothes are kept in a closet instead of dressers to save space.
I feel like I bailed on everyone following 40 Bags I feel like I bailed on everyone following 40 Bags progress and tips.  My excuse is the stomach flu ravaging us all here in the last week with me being the last to fall and the slowest to recover.  On top of that the weekend before I tried to roller blade (don't even ask how many steps I made it) and majorly bit it.  Thankfully I think I just sprained my arm. So I've been using one arm for nursing sick children back to health, and doing whatever cleaning and cooking and straightening I can do.  Alas, last week was a wash.  We have two weeks to go.  I'd like to continue and end on a high note.  How about you?  Even a little de-cluttering counts! Spring is in the air and I can't wait to throw open my windows and let fresh clean air circulate through my fresh clean orderly home. โ˜€๏ธ๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒฑ
Especially where kids are concerned- we tend to th Especially where kids are concerned- we tend to think that the more things they have the happier and more occupied and loved they will feel.  Nothing can replace human interaction and I've found that too many toys has the reverse affect.  They cause overwhelm-just like us - we'd rather sit in an orderly space than one filled with too many things to do and too much stuff.
โ˜€๏ธ
When it comes to kids closets here are some tips-
1. Hand me downs don't all have to be received.  Or received at all.  Be choosy and keep just what they will use and need.
2. When children are presented with too many choices, tension and acrimony can exist.  Being able to open a closet with a reasonable amount of outfits can create more peace.
3. Cultivating independence in care of clothes is easier when there is less and the space is simplified and organized. 
โ˜€๏ธ
More tips coming on the blog this week.  I am moving my blog platform so I can't make any promises - it's under construction and that's exciting!
  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • Disclosure

Copyright © 2021 ยท Memories on Clover Lane ยท All Rights Reserved
Please do not duplicate anything on this blog without written permission from the author.
Disclosure: Amazon affiliate links used.