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I do everything one-handed and leave just about every task half-finished. This can be really frustrating, as it takes double the time to do anything, and there is hardly ever a sense of accomplishment.
I know babies cry, it’s natural, but it makes me feel awful. On the changing table, in the car, it doesn’t matter where, I hate it and I have to stop it as soon as I possible. This also makes me tense. Which then makes me snappy and irritable sometimes. Then I feel guilty for being snappy and irritable.
Guilt and doubt are feelings I fight. Guilt for paying little attention to anyone on those fussy baby days. Self-doubt creeps in easily when I’m exhausted. I hardly feel like I can give anyone their fair share of me.
I sometimes wear the same outfit for days. No, I always wear the same outfit for days. I usually don’t have time for makeup or hair. I take 2 minute showers every other day. I have huge under eye circles from waking up at night. My hair is always in a pony tail. The other day I had to run into the local grocery store and as I’m entering the store, I’m checking to see if my nursing bra is latched, and pulling a dorky clip off the top of head where I stuck it there that morning and totally forgot about it. Not an ounce of makeup. Baggy yoga pants. I looked like I just woke up after a hard night partying. I look like that more days than not.
When my husband complains of being tired I can shoot daggers out of my eyes and sometimes I have to bite my lip and sometimes I don’t and just say, “Do you really want to complain to me about that?”
And in spite of all this, I look at this precious little tiny baby girl and I love her so much my heart can burst.
She outgrew a few outfits this week. I went to put them on her and they were too short. Patrick and I were paging through his scrapbook last week and I looked at his first year…how quickly they go from those beginning unpredictable tiny need infants, to babies who sit up on their own, and then crawl, and eat food, and walk away, and then run. I told the kids the other day, “This time next year, Janey will be playing in the back yard with you!” It panics me a little when I see her getting bigger, even though I know my life will get easier. I used to feel impatient waiting for that next milestone, the next phase of parenting, but I know that it’s a precious piece of time that is gone quicker than I can notice it leaving. And that every baby I was gifted with is so worth every sacrifice, short-cut, and compromise I can make.