Expectations
with Isaac -1994
with Abbey-1996
with Matthew-1999
with Andrew-2003
with Patrick-2007
So many of you said so many nice words of congratulations to me when I announced my pregnancy with my sixth child. I appreciate them all-sometimes I feel like all that is said to me around here is, “Can you…” “Do you know where…” “Make him stop…” “What’s for dinner…” that sort of thing. You all have so much confidence in me, and that is so nice of you all.
But I want you to know something. With every pregnancy I have had many thoughts and worries and anxieties on my ability to be a good mother to each child I bring into this world.
Maybe each time I have more perspective…I KNOW in my heart there will be trying times, tired and exhausted times, frustrating times. I know I will feel dumpy and fat for a year while I nurse my baby because I never lose all my pregnancy weight till I’m completely done with nursing which means an entire year of stretchy waist bands. I know that I will be a walking zombie with a short temper till the baby sleeps more than 2 hours at a time. (Which none of my babies did for a long time!) I know I will feel at times like no one gets the energy it takes to raise teenagers and babies at the same time and feel a little sorry for myself, and then get mad at feeling sorry for myself when I know I should be feeling grateful instead. I know I will have to keep things simple which means saying no a lot-even to my own family. I know I will feel overwhelmed and then guilty when I lay may head down to sleep just about every night. Did I say one thing encouraging to this kid or that kid? Did I forget once more to sign a paper, make a phone call, write a thank you note?
Now I also know how fast infants become babies, and babies become toddlers and toddlers become school kids, and then teenagers and then how they are ready to leave the home. So little things, like how often the baby poops-which I used to record in a pooping/feeding/wetting notebook with my first, are no longer recorded-I know things will be OK on that front…I also know that those worries are nothing, nothing, compared to the worries that come later. I’d trade pooping worries with teenage driver worries in a heart beat.
When I look at each of those hospital photos above I can see it in my face-my happiness but also my insecurity, my doubt, my worry about the huge task before me, that I know won’t work as smoothly as I’d like it to, in spite of my planning and preparation for that first year. But I did do it. I did it the best that I could do. I survived the sleepless nights, the endless nursing sessions fit in between meeting the needs of toddlers (and school children and teenagers!), the frumpy frustration of having nothing to wear and no time to care, the feelings of guilt over snappy exhaustion, the endless neediness and 24 hour care of my family.
Every pregnancy, I believe, brings big changes and adjustments to a mother…whether it’s your second and you are worried about how you can possible love another and share your time, or whether it’s your sixth and you wonder how you can stretch yourself out so thin and not feel completely depleted, and not leave anyone resentful-we all (I think?) have the same feelings. I think many mothers feel like they are not “allowed” to have these feelings, especially when that baby was “on purpose” and tried for…I know I still grapple with this. But I remind myself that we are allowed to feel this way…maybe it means we realize the scope of care involved, it means we want to be the best we can be for our family, it means we recognize the big work before us.
Oh Sarah, this is so beautiful. And honest. And I think every mother can relate. I am realizing more and more (as you say here), we won't necessarily be enough for our children all the time. And at times some will be neglected while others require more from us. (I am experiencing this now as I concentrate on my boys and their stuttering issue.) That is simply life in a family. But I do trust that God fills in where we can't, makes up the differences, allows us our mistakes, and still creates something beautiful amid all the hardness of the work. I think you are completely able, qualified, and inspired in your choice for number six. What a gift to have that baby come to your family! I love you.
I really enjoyed that post, and I think it is amazing that God has blessed your family with another baby.
Love is all you need(well not quite but you know what I mean). And I am sure you and your husband have lots of that. A lovely well articulated post as always.
Sarah, this is beautiful. Those pictures of you got me all teary eyed. So much love and courage and wisdom and insecurity all wrapped up in those images. It is stunning. I looked through them a few times and want to go and compare my first pictures with each child. WIth each child we grow so much, our ability to cope and handle and love gets stronger each time. This gives me courage and confidence to carry on, despite all my failings. Thanks for being so real and sharing so much. xoxo
Thank you. I am a mother of 7, with 1 in college, 1 graduating high school, and the rest are middle school age down to 3yrs old. I haven't slept a decent night in 18 yrs (my kids hate sleep until about age 4). It is a challenge raising teenagers and babies/toddlers at the same time. I have doubted myself as a mother so many times. I stink at some things, like potty training. You'd think after so many kids, I'd be great at it, but…nope. My kids take forever to potty train, which used to bother me. But looking back, I see how it didn't matter as much as I thought it did. I nursed most of them for 2 yrs, and for years I thought I'd never be done with pregnancies and nursing and babies screaming and and and….now we are in a different phase of life. It all goes by so fast, even though it feels neverending when you're in it. I wish you the best, Sarah. Your blog has been an encouragement to me for several years.
A beautifully written post. I do believe all mothers struggle with those same thoughts and fears. And, I don't think it changes whether it is baby #1,2 or 6! I love the photos you shared, and you are right you can see all of those things in your eyes. I also think dads struggle with a lot of those same issues as well, along with financial responsiblity in most cases, it is just not talked about much.
Dear Sarah,
What a bright spot you are on the internet! I am always so encouraged by your posts on MOtherhoood. You are a wonderful woman–thank you for defending and honoring the sacred work of a Mother! xo
Thank you for this. Just this am, I was thinking I should have done better last night to prepare for today. Usually, we do lunches and papers etc at night, but yesterday all day I was dragging and wiped out. So ths am was packing lunches, counting numbers on the read a thon paperwork that was due today- all the things kids need from me just about knocked me over. Worst was the attitude- the pressure that it all lies on me and despite my efforts to train my kids to be self sufficient it Hasn't worked yet! I kno they are young still- 8,4,2…. But wow…. It is overwhelming at times to keep up.
Beautiful pictures!!!!!!
Wow! You are so wise and even though I just have one I really enjoy hearing your wisdom on raring children. I would love, if you ever have the time, for you to asnwer some questions I have for you. What do you do to prepare your home, your wardrobe, whatever, before the next baby comes? What kinds of things do you say to your current children to prepare them for the big changes?
Oh man. I can so relate (as I type one handed while nursing baby #6.) Especially the guilt, the shortness with my older kids from lack of sleep… What I have to remind myself is this: where I fall short, the kids fill in for each other. And that is really amazing to see. Families are such a great plan! 🙂
It's the biggest job in the world. And i say quick prayers all the time, that I hope I'm not ruining them 🙂 Then I have to remind myself that it's Gods sovereign plan that I am their mother… Despite my shortcomings…
Oh, Sarah, what a beautiful post. It made me cry, maybe it's my own pregnancy hormones, but it was so nice. I'm only expecting #3 and sometimes I feel so lost. My two big boys (2&4) still wake up at least once each night and we have nighttime potty issues and if I stop and think about it I wonder if I'm crazy to be adding one more to this mix. Then they wake up in the morning with big smiles and hugs and want to snuggle and I can see that everything will hopefully be ok.
Sarah, this whole post is beautiful, but I really have to compliment you on your appearance in those photos. You are very photogenic post-partem! I am so happy for you and your family.
Feeling all of this, Sarah. So worried about Eliza not getting the previous attention of having been the baby for so long… wrapping my blown out legs in support hosery as summer approaches and feeling tearful about it …. and stupid because I'm so grateful ….so appreciative for kids who jump in to help when they see I can't bend over … frustrated that I lay down at night not having shown my appreciation …. scared to death that my teen will kill me and unborn baby as she practices driving us around and wishing she were just back in diapers 🙂
You said it …. it's all there.
I have those thoughts and feelings… so much so that I've recently convinced myself that my 3 beautiful children are my limit, even though in my heart, I desire 4. I just can't fathom the adjustments needed to add a 4th… the problem is that I haven't given it to God.
I'm currently in that frumpy 6 month post partum timeframe. The weight isn't coming off and yes, I'm nursing. A stranger could look at me and probably assume I'm about 3 months pregnant. My maternity clothes are still being used and I've had crying fits in my closet over this. I've even opted out of going to church a few times because "nothing fits."
I totally get what you are saying and I appreciate you ability to express it so clearly and honestly. Thank you for that.
Love this post. Sitting here with my sixth child who is six months old today as my 13 year old son (the oldest) gives my 2 year old a bath because of being soaked from wetting the bed. A day in the life! I do feel stretched so thin and tired as I sit here in my stretchy yoga pants and wonder what in the world we will eat for dinner tonight. But it DOES all pass so quickly…it reminds me of the phrase "the days are long but the years are short".
On a side note, I don't know of any writings that deal with the reality of raising teens and babies/toddlers at the same time. Do you have any thoughts, books, blog posts you can recommend? This topic has been on my heart for about a year and would love to read some practical nitty-gritty ideas on this.
Thank you for being real and honest about pregnancy, birth, and everything that comes with raising a family. I have felt the exact same feelings, worries and frustrations as you. But, life does even out eventually. The good days override the bad ones. And, with God's amazing grace, our kids really will turn out okay.
Blessings to you!
Sara I love your thoughts. And I remember them well. But with number six comes the sweetest surprise of all…a more relaxed mommy. The little things stopped mattering and all I could do was suck every last breath of goodness out of him. He's six now and I call him my 'love experiment'.
And as for the older kids, my mother in law always said that every teenager needs a baby at home because sometimes it's the only place in their life where they can be completely 'soft' with someone. Where they can let down every wall and give and feel nothing but love.
You are giving your kids the best present they will ever receive. Completely worth the sacrifice!
Oh, I love your blog! It's always so encouraging:) I love that you are having #6! I think it's wonderful and I love how honest you are about your struggles b/c it helps me realize that I am not crazy. I usually feel more guilt than anything at the end of the day and I wish I could figure out how to not have such unrealistic expectations! I just love to read your real-life stories! Thank you!
I love this, along with everything else you write. I am pregnant with my 5th baby, and my oldest just turned 6. People have said stuff to me too assuming I am some super mom or something, and then I feel guilty cause I dont feel like super mom and I don't want people to think I am! Each child brings more love, but the struggles do not go away and I still cry sometimes when my house is so messy and I can't keep up. But like you, this was planned, we are excited, I know I will adapt, and we won't be able to imagine life without this new baby.
I love how "real" you are! Yes, we all have insecurities. My wish for you is that you have a baby that does sleep for more than 2 hours at a time this go 'round! Can't wait to "meet" this little one!
Sarah, I feel like I know you, but I have never commented. I do always look to your blog to make me smile, or to give a reality check:). Thanks for all of it. I really appreciate it. I am having my 5th in about 6 weeks! We are very excited. My oldest is 10, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed, and I haven't even done teenagers. I will continue to look to you for advise, thanks for sharing. You are not the only one with those insecurities. I hope to be a great mom of 5 as you are right now. I know 5 is all I will have as it my 5th c-section, and we just hoping to get through it all good and safe:)
Sarah,
As I read this I have 3 teenage boys in my kitchen making lunch (one my own), I have 2 outside playing with neighborhood friends, and I have a 3 month old trying to sleep (for hopefully more than 30 minutes!) I'm always wondering if I'm doing enough, and each child, each baby is different. You just reminded me I need to write a thank you not:) We do the best we can with what we have. LIke you, with my 3 month old I'm not stressing over the poops, and just enjoying EVERYTHING about him. I'm well aware of how fast it all goes. Being a mother is so amazing. God bless you, and this new little monkey in your tummy! Enjoy it all.
Oh how I love your blog Sarah. Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage and share with us, because you have so many valuable things to say. Your children are truly blessed…and tell them I said so!! 😉
-tamie
Your line about kids feeling resentment hit home with me. One of my three needed me more than the others and I always wondered if the other two would resent that. They are all now adults and I asked them recently. There answer was…we didn't feel any resentment because you raised us to know why you had to do what you did. We get it…and it's ok. I think as long as we do the best we know how to do and love each one unconditionally, it all works out in the end. My biggest lesson from raising kids…I worried way too much. But alternately…if I hadn't worried, would I have done my best? I don't know. I love your perspective on family and if I am ever blessed to be a grandmother I am going to share your blog with my kids. Love to you and your amazing family 🙂
I love you Sarah! Your honesty and ability to write what all of us mothers are thinking is so beautiful. I have really struggled with this exact thing this year. I was the one who really wanted a third baby so I feel guilty every time I want to complain about how completely exhausted I am from my third baby! But I think you're right – it's ok and normal to feel that way. We are allowed to have those feelings because we do want to be the best mom for each child and that sometimes leaves us feeling so overwhelmed. You have the gift of perspective with this baby and I know you will enjoy him or her 🙂 so much because of that. Don't ever doubt what an AMAZING mother you are. And that ultra sound was the sweetest little thing! Makes me excited for you. This baby is so lucky. Such a beautiful family waiting for him/her! I'm just thrilled for you. 🙂
What a beautiful post! We are trying for our 5th and this is exactly what goes through my head.
Congratulations and you have a beautiful family.
Thanks for such a lovely and honest post. I can identify with a lot of those struggles you outlined – in fact, I have expressed the same things to my husband at least once in the past 24 hours! We are running on too little sleep, too short tempers as a result, and always too much to do but we are never, ever running low on hugs, kisses, and God's blessings, which put it all in perspective. It's true that motherhood is the best job you will ever love. I appreciate you sharing this – it does seem like the more you have, the less insecurity there would be but the concerns of mothers are universal, aren't they?
I love those pictures – how absolutely sweet! Thank you for creating a real image of yourself and what you try to do. This blog is so inspiring and I look forward to your posts! Your family is blessed to have you 🙂
Teenagers are awesome diaper changers.
🙂 You're gonna be fabulous. You already are!
Sarah. I LOVE this post. You are such a wonderful, honest person and a fellow mother I am so glad to hear from.
This is a beautiful post.
Thank you!!
You put it so well and I love that you sum up exactly how I felt having all four of my gorgeous kids.
After much umming and ahhing about having a #5 I think that we probably won't.
So even though I feel a pang of envy that you are having #6, I shall live vicariously through you and celebrate all your Mothering milestones along the way.
You seem to have a very realistic view of it all, which is fabulous.
Btw you don't seem to have aged in any of your photos!
Looking forward to reading more of your thoughts about baby #6.
Love this post and your blog. Children are such a blessing, I recently had my third and I was so worried it would be too much for me but as it turns out it´s all working out wonderfully and I find myself more relaxed and happy. I even might consider the fourth. Thanks for sharing.
Every time we have a new baby it is a step into new territory, isn't it! You never know what the new one will be like. When I only had three girls, I was scared to have boys. Now that I have two boys as well, I can't believe I was so worried! They are fabulous! I'm pretty sure by now though that I will never have a good sleeper. Baby #5 is almost two and still keeps me up until 11:00 and wakes up several times a night. You'd think I'd know how to do it by now!
I love this post. You seem to speak straight to my soul. #4 has been the hardest addition for me since being a mom. The balance of having a baby and other school age children was really hard and I spent the first year completely exhausted. Every single day I ask myself if I will have another…could I do it again? I so badly want to. It's good to hear you (one of my favorite moms) have some of the same struggles. Thank you Sara! This is why I make time to read your blog.
Thank you for this. I am also a mother of 6 and I struggle with insecurity all of the time. I'm glad other out there know how I feel.
Loved this post. Just had my 5th and you put into words many of the feelings I experience daily. I think your concern is one way you know what a great and prepared mother you will be.
I only have one so far. And its so funny because I'm soooo scared to add more. I definitely want more but am very scared of it. Most moms would probably think I'm crazy since in comparison I'm on easy street. My sister-in-law just had her 5th. She has 3 in high school, an 11 year old and a 2 year old. I remember when she was pregnant with her last thinking how lucky she was to have the older ones to help out. And I can't lie, help out they do. But I forget that they still need mothering too. I guess each stage has advantages and disadvantages. This is a lifelong committment and an honor. And I'm happy to count myself a mother, even if only to 1. It is a blessing that compares to none other.
Thank you for writing and please don't ever quit 🙂
Congratulations.
Your family is blessed to have you.
Sheesh, couldn't have said it better myself. (I just had my 3rd 7 months ago.) I always enjoy reading your thoughts and down-to-earth-real perspective on life.