For Whatever It’s Worth
A couple weeks ago I had to go to a quick meeting after school for a first grade activity that involved a family feast. I was assigned to make a part of a meal and we volunteers all met with the teacher for a quick “go over”. I sent my older kids home on the bus, just for routine sake, and because they are old enough to be home for a few minutes. Of course I had my trusty helper Patrick by my side.
One of the moms there had a little baby in a car seat, 2 little ones, and was picking up her first grader. The baby had been peacefully sleeping, and some of the other kids (like kids do) woke him up to “see the baby”. Her little toddlers were being little toddlers and she tried to keep track of them and attend the meeting at the same time. She look frazzled, tired and overwhelmed.
It brought back SO many memories, because that was once me.
I remember the amount of work it took to organize naps and nursing times, to show up for a meeting at school or someone’s house, or to drop off a snack that I was signed up for, or to show up in a classroom. It hardly ever seemed to go smoothly for me and never as easy as I thought it would be.
It often meant that the entire nap/nursing/snack/dinner schedule was thrown off for the rest of the day, or sometimes even days. It meant I had to find something decent to wear, and find the time somewhere to put on some makeup and brush my hair. It meant that I had to make sure each child had a snack in him/her, to prevent breakdowns. It meant I had to look at my watch all morning long. It meant that I usually ended up sweating buckets carrying a 40 pound car seat, and a toddler who refused to walk, into a stuffy classroom, or drive across town to someone’s house.
I always felt very obligated to do all I could to help…I didn’t want anyone to say, “Oh she never does anything.” I felt like my kids would have this huge gap in their childhood if I wasn’t participating regularly at their in-school activities.
As I added my 4th and 5th child to the family, I let ALL of that go. I gave myself permission to NOT sign up for things, I gave myself permission to be OK with letting school be school, and not a parent participation contest, I gave myself permission to know myself, and know my babies, and know my family…what I can’t handle, what is too disruptive for our little thriving schedule, what I just don’t want to do…it’s all OK.
Here’s what I want to tell my younger self, and all of you who may be experiencing the same struggles I did:
1. Whether you have one child, or two, or five, remember that their are times and seasons of your life, where you are “allowed” to step back and just survive day to day without adding more to your plate.
2. Be confident in having the knowledge that only you and you alone can decide when your family can handle any extra committments.
3. Learn to say no without guilt. Offer to do what you can do easily…that means with no stress.
4. Don’t compare yourself with others. What one person seems to handle with ease (notice the “seems” part), is maybe not what you can handle. We all have different talents, and we all have different stresses and thresholds. We also all have different support systems behind the scenes.
5. Be kind to yourself and in spite of what the world tells us all today, do not underestimate how much work it is to be a mom, just by itself, without all the extra things we feel pressured to do today.
This is wonderful advice. I often struggle with what I know I can do and what I think I should do. Thank you for this beautiful reminder.
So will put Sarah! You write so beautiful and so honest…I love it!
Thanks for your thoughtful stories and advice. I love your devotion to your family and efforts to always do what is best for them and hopefully you. As a mom of seven children, it is always so important to focus on what matters most, first. I think having a set of twins for child number 5 and 6 finally gave me the motivation to just say "No!" We've all had those frazzled moments of motherhood. I had one today with my three year old crying most of the day. (Thankfully, most days are not like today!) Letting go of some of the social pressures on a mother truly is a gift that every mother needs a little reminder of. Thanks for the help!
Amen!
Such wise words! What good advice, saying "no without guilt" and "be kind to yourself." So often we let guilt get in the way of letting us be kind to ourselves.
Several years ago, when I was trying to take care of a baby with complicated medical needs along with my three other children, I decided–for reasons I don't completely understand today–that I had to try to keep everything "normal" for the other kids. Despite all the hospitalizations and intense caregiving, I tried to keep up with everything. Fast forward several months later, a short time after our baby had died. It suddenly dawned on me that I was behind with a lot of basic housekeeping, and needed some help. I FINALLY gave myself permission to hire a cleaning service to come in twice a month to help with the deep cleaning. It was wonderful. When I realized how wonderful, I was very upset with myself. Why hadn't I asked for help before, when I truly, truly needed it? Why hadn't I been kind to myself and realistic about what I could handle back when I was dealing with so many difficulties? I still don't know the answers to those questions, but I have learned a lesson: stop and think about what is absolutely necessary. Get help when you need it. Be kind to yourself and the little people you live with.
Very valuable and wise advice that I know comes from first-hand experience! These are issues I've been struggling lately in preparation for welcoming our number 3 into the family. I've got to let the guilty feelings go when I opt out of something for the sake of reducing stress on myself and our family – and to just survive day-to-day! Love your writing and honesty, thanks X
so true. I always say that my ministry is first to my family and then my children.
Thanks for sharing! I appreciated this today…I'm 5 days away from the due date of #2 and am stressed to the max. I needed to hear your advice that I don't have to be or pretend to be super mom…but just surviving for a while is okay, too.
So very well put. I wish when I was a younger mom that I had ministered more to my family first. Looking back, I'm glad that I was forced into saying no when the "twins" came along. It was a good word to learn 5 years ago. I've added and subtracted things to my plate, and realized that if it's something I really enjoy, I'll make the time for it.
Amen!
Amen and Hallelujah X 100000!!!!
If you lived in my neighborhood, you'd know exactly who that supermom was. Not me. And I have to remember these things almost daily.
Oh I have walked a 100 miles in your shoes. Saying NO was the hardest thing I ever did when I had little kids. I had 4 (the last 3 in a 4 year span) and it was a crazy life. I get it! Hugs- Diana
SO GOOD. I was her too! I think so much of it comes from finding out what a "good mom" does…because at the beginning I thought I had to be everywhere and volunteer for everything because that's what "good moms" do. Now, I'm figuring out that the less I'm involved in, the better off we all are. Just like the quote in your title up top.
Love that! You put it into words so perfectly! Love your blog!
True, so true. Working on saying "no" more often. Why is it so hard?
Thank you! With the holidays coming up I was getting stressed…trying to figure out how to see out of town family, who are going to be an hour away, driving in traffic with two little ones was really stressing me out. 🙂 It's just good to be reminded that no is an ok answer. 🙂
well said…this is a wonderful post! i have always had great respect for the power of the word "no" – and have often been criticized for it. fortunately, i've usually been able to shrug that off, confident that i knew best for my family:) thanks for the validation…
mary
Thank you so much…i needed this today as I am feeling guilt for not doing more volunteering with my kids schools/scouts etc…
I have a 3 yr old and a high maintenance 6 month old and have to let things go!
Your words are worth a lot! Thanks!
I totally agree. When my #5 came along I went through this inward battle of feeling like I SHOULD do more but not knowing HOW I could possibly do more.
Then #6 came and I had to let it go! I rarely sign up for anything and I have all but stopped volunteering at the school.
Tis' the season of mothering NOT the season of making the school happy. 🙂
I have been struggling with that "perfect" (ha) balance with a two-year-old and five-month-old. Before I had kids, I was always on the go (I got pregnant with our first daughter one month after I graduated from college), but always found some quiet time to reflect on life, its happenings, etc. Now it's a few minutes of alone time or sleep, and I almost always choose sleep. I started reminding myself that I'm in the throes of motherhood with two little dependent people, but reveling in this time will be so very worthwhile. Anytime I start feeling overwhelmed, I think about how much I'll miss the stages my children are at in life. Their sweet little voices, the trudging out of bed still half asleep, a warm little baby lying next to me nursing in the middle of the night, how much they want to be near me. I don't want to miss a thing, even at the sake of some skipped showers. This post was perfect. It's always reassuring that the paths of motherhood are so similar, and that there can be a celebration in each season of it. Thanks.
i too had to step back a few years ago and survive! i am just now getting my feet wet again since my youngest will be starting school next year , i am on all kinds of lists now!~
Love this! I have a 1st grader, preschooler and 2 year old. I feel like I am not doing enough with all the volunteering needed/wanted for my 1st grader at school. I am trying to do what I can but recently realized I can't do everything and my little ones at home need me more than ever. So thank you for confirming my thoughts on this. I told my self recently that I can volunteer and help out when my youngest is in school and now is not the time to stress about it.
LOVE that picture and your advice is always so well-timed!
Great post, thank you so much! I too am in a season of "taking a step back" somewhat and I have to say that this year has been so much less stressful than the previous one.
i feel like i have to constantly remind myself of this. and this week, in particular, i haven't been very good at any of it. i hope as the holidays approach and get a little crazy, that i remember to read this post whenever i need it. it's a keeper for sure! thank you!
I am learning to do these things more and more. We all try so hard to be the perfect wife and mother and ironically make our family suffer to look acomplished. I was that frazzled lady with 4 kids within 5 years, and I'm slowly turning into a Sarah 🙂
Funny how the grass always seems greener. I remember being in that stage and looking at moms with teens and thinking "wow, won't that be nice to be surrounded by responsible, reasonable people??" And then in another minute, you are surrounded by teens and they come with their own set of struggles and it's not as easy as kissing mashed fingers used to be.
This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for your words.
Your words are such a gift! Thank you for sharing them so generously with total strangers! Enjoy your day, xoxo
i needed to read this today. with the gap in my kids ages i am feeling frazzled much to much because i'm trying to do much to much. i'm working at say no more and being okay with it, and this post helps me. a lot. thank you for sharing!
Thank you for this, I needed it today.
I just signed up to help with two of my childrens Thanksgiving feasts at school and am just now realizing I double booked myself. Last night I went to bed in tears over the thought of having to say no to one of them, not because my child would care but because I am afraid of not being the mom that was there, that goes to all of the activities. But with three kids under 5 it's just not doable, unless I want my head to explode.
Thank you thank you, you have no idea how much I needed to hear this from a mom I so admire.
I do wish someone had told me this when I was at my busiest time, with three under five. Now with four under 14, it seems so much easier. You are right…it is a season of our life that passes so quickly. Now I find I am more mentally busy than I have ever been though!
You are so right. Just recently I ran into another mom and she asked where I was during the school's most recent event and I simply said, "busy". I am realizing it's ok to not be the room mom every year and that my kids won't hate me for it. Plus, whenever I volunteer at the school I show up along with at least 10 other moms…usually there are at least 3 too many moms.
Such good advice. As a mom of one, with no plans to have more kids, sometimes I feel like I should be doing more–after all I have "only" one kid. But one is a lot sometimes! I admire all that moms of multiple kids accomplish, and all that the super-involved moms accomplish, yet I also know that I've made and am making different choices–not better, not worse, just different. Thanks for your perspective!
This was so incredibly encouraging! I always enjoy your posts.
This post totally spoke to me! I loved your description of how it was for yourself as a young mom just trying to get everyone out the door, etc
You are singing my song! I have 4 kids under 5 years (a 6 month old, 2, 4 year old and then my kindergarten).
I try so hard to simplify my life and your blog is such a inspiration to me and great reminder. The focus right now as a young mom is my kids. You are so right–there is a season for everything. I think that is a great reminder to all moms, no matter what stage they are in.
Great reminder. It's easy to take on too much or feel guilty when you just can't do it all. It's nice to know other mom's go through the same feelings. Thanks!
thank you. I have a 3 week old and a 20 month old right now and am just going day to day… my baby is fussy and it.is.hard. My house is messy and it drives me crazy.
I am reminding myself that THIS TOO SHALL PASS and to ENJOY this moment and everything that is going on right now. The clean house, the ME time at the gym, all that can wait and will wait, and I will survive. 🙂
Sage advice dear friend. I never tire of hearing this. You're a consoling, comforting voice to many today. Thanks Sarah.
Thanks so much for this! I just have one, a 2.5 year old boy… and sometimes I wonder if I'm the ONLY one that has to change out of soaking wet, sweaty clothes after a trip to the grocery store! I feel like even the smallest tasks are sometimes just so much work! Not complaining… it just is refreshing to hear that you lugged your 40 pound kid/car seat combo in a sweat too 🙂
Very well said! Great reminder!
Thank you! Why is so hard for us to give ourselves permission to not push ourselves to the brink? I added #4 almost a year ago and this has been my year to take those steps back and to say 'no'.
As I just finished typing the minutes from the preschool board meeting, after a day of parenting solo while hubs worked late…then frantically tried to remember if tomorrow is "Dress up as your favourite Superhero" day…
I NEED to read this.
Maybe even tatoo it to my arm.
One of the key things you highlighted that I think is SO true is this…We all DO have different support systems at home, for some of us who live away from all extended family, it's CHALLENGING. I always compare myself to mom's who seem to be accomplishing so much more than I do…
BUT…I rarely remember they might have help that I don't have.
Thanks for the common sense 🙂
Wow, Sarah, I didn't realize we'd met! I'm that mom with the 1st grader, two little ones, and the baby in the car seat. Okay, not THAT mom but those are my kids' ages exactly. And, you know what? When school was starting, I read your Vintage Parenting post about not overdoing it with volunteering, etc. I vowed to myself that I would squash my micromanaging, helpful tendencies because with a little baby, this of all years is my year to circle the wagons at home. Last year I actually had a lot of fun volunteering in kindergarten (art docent & math games), and since I live right next to our school, my two other girls just came with me and colored. It was lovely. It helped me feel comfortable about sending my oldest child to this strange place for hours. But. This year with my tiny chubby sidekick, I knew I'd have a lot more on my plate.
But of course. I couldn't stop my rebellious hand from signing my name under art & math "just" to help. I'll just show up, I promised myself, when I can and when the baby's had her nap and stay only as long as she & the older girls let me. If I can't, then I won't. Simple. But of course, the first day that I show up to "only help" with art, the one other helper is this sweet lady who's nervous to teach the kids because she's afraid her English isn't good enough. She asks me to take over. We're supposed to go live in like 5 minutes, I haven't even seen the lesson, but I snap to it. I'm highly capable, right? I've been to college. Heck, I used to teach college! My instincts rear their ugly heads, and before I know it, I'm the art docent.
Flash forward an hour later; I have a fussy baby strapped to me in the Bjorn (and she is my GOOD baby!) and I'm whirling around the room helping kids, sweating buckets just like you said. Suddenly I'm roped into this thing because we're the only two helpers, and unlike last year when EVERY lesson was provided, parents have to come up with something every other time. But it has to teach the kids the specific art criteria required by the district. (!!) After many desperate emails on my part, and spending literally HOURS of my precious time, I finally cobble together a second lesson. (Note: I'm still waking up every couple hours at night. NOT a pretty situation.)
Now I just need to tell the teacher that I can't do it, and probably see the program for my daughter's class fizzle before my eyes. But I'm at the point where I don't really care, because with all the energy I expended on that darned art lesson, I could've created a super amazing project at home with my girls. My daughter seemed sad when I told her I probably won't volunteer in her class any more this year, but when I said, "Anna, I can always come to lunch with you" (which I did once) she replied, "Oh! I love when you eat lunch with me, Mommy." Yeah, probably because I actually sit next to you and talk to you. Instead of running around like my head's cut off.
Sigh. I suppose I launched into this tale of woe to add my warning voice to yours. No one is going to protect my time, but me. No one. I've always struggled with boundaries, and as I said, if I feel capable it almost kills me to see something not happen, or happen badly. But. I need to just turn my back and walk away. This all spiraled out of control. So much for just popping in here & there this year, huh? It's basically all or nothing, I'm realizing!
So thanks for your perspective. It was worth a lot to me. 😉
Aaaannnnnnddd that was a blog post right there. Sorry!
THANK YOU. I can never hear this enough. I need constant reminders to stop feeling guilty and remember that this is my season to raise my little family as best I can.
Thanks. I am that tired, crazed four young kids Mama who's yearning for time to slow down. I appreciate your words.
keep giving this message – its one all of us moms need to hear. I have a MUCH easier time saying no – and I find the more I say no, the easier it is because a) I don't get asked as much and b) the little web threads start to unravel because I'm not surrounded by the yes mom's so I don't feel that competition. Its ok to be inwardly family focused for a period of time! I also think mom's should apply this to activities for their kids, not just volunteering. I can't tell you how much flak I got for not enrolling my youngest in all the "opportunities" around – but honestly pre k soccer was a nightmare with my other kids – I was doing it to give them an opportunity that they HATED – it was a complete nightmare. So, after my 3rd child I wised up – we enrolled in NOTHING (not even prek until he turned 4 and that was just by sheer luck) – we went to about 2 library storytimes even. saying no keeps things simple. If you want interaction, go the park, invite a friend over. Don't get caught up in all the mommy hype – its truly not worth it.
Thanks for this beautiful reminder! I love your blog and your lovely sentiments.
You know, I have struggled so much with this lately. And I'm learning to say no, we can't. Or I can't. I take advantage of the system where I can…sneaking a Bible study in while they're in Awanas instead of serving as a teacher. Not serving as a Sunday School teacher this year. Taking an hour off work to go and do what I want/need to do.
And this little bit of selfish planning has found me a few things: more peace, more time with my boys, being able to say YES to basketball this year, sneaking off for date day with my husband. It's hard to say no when there are the "perfect parents" out there…hiding the fact that they're about to lose their minds too!
oh my goodness, thank you, thank you, thank you. after my night last night, i really needed to read something like that. i have a 14 year old daughter, a 4 year old daughter and a 2 1/2 year old son. i feel that if i don't do all the things with my older daughter at school ( like i did before the little ones came along) that i am somehow doing her a disservice. last night i headed up to the school at 8pm for a thing they had during half time at a basketball game. my husband is out of town and we have no family where we live. i knew i shouldn't have gone. overtired little ones and all. it was horrible. i was the completely frazzled mom trying to chase the two year old around and keep the 4 year old happy and trying to give my attention to the 14 year old. it wasn't working. anyway, i've never commented here before and now i know i'm just venting! sorry. but this just hit home and i wanted to say thanks!
i love this post and linked to it on my blog. hope you don't mind. you always give me something to think about…good reminders and instead of re-writing my own version i just send people over to you to read it!
I love the specific takeaways you included there, Sarah! Every new mom needs to read this! (We'll get it up on The Power of Moms ASAP.) You're wonderful!