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Home ยป Blog ยป Taking the High Road, Forgiveness and Good Terms

Taking the High Road, Forgiveness and Good Terms

by Sarah Turner Clover Lane

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“As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.”

I love that line from the poem Desiderata. 

If you reflect back someone’s anger, someone’s hurt, someone’s chipped shoulder, bitterness or jealousy, YOU become that same thing yourself…YOU are in a sense, making the very same life choices they have. You are handing over your spirit to someone mean, bitter, icky and saying “I want to be just like you”!  If they are unkind, and you are unkind back to “show them”, then look…you are the same person!  There are some truly miserable people out in this world, I’ve decided.  If someone says something that you sense stems from envy or insecurity, why not come back with a great big compliment instead of reacting defensively?  It takes practice and purpose, but it’s so powerful!  It becomes a habit if you try.  And sometimes yes, I don’t want to try.  But when I do, I feel so good.

My mom used to tell us all the time, “Just take the high road.”  I don’t think I liked hearing it every time, but boy, every time I’ve ever taken the middle road, or especially the low road, I’ve totally wished, in hindsight, that I took the high road.  The high road to me, equals no regrets ever.  If you stick to the high road, you’ll never participate in anyone else’s garbage.  You’ll never be less than proud of yourself.  You’ll never say, “Oh, how I wish I never got involved in that.”  Or “I wish I never said that or did this.”  Never.  You’ll always maintain your integrity.

Every decision and interaction we make in life sets the tone for how we want to be known by our family, children, husband, aunts, uncles, cousins and by our friends, and complete strangers.

 Awhile ago, a readerleft me this comment on a post I wrote:

Something my mother always tells me that HER mother used to always say…

You have three names in life:

the name you were given at birth,

the name that you make for yourself,

and the name that everyone knows you by.

That last one is the most important, because it is the name that you must work the hardest to change.

She would then ask me, “Do you want to be known as a Liar, Cheater, Thief  (or jaded, mean, bitter)?

Or Generous, Kind Hearted and Loving?”

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May 20, 2010 ยท 33 Comments

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Comments

  1. Danielle says

    May 20, 2010 at 11:59 am

    I wholeheartedly agree with this post. I was recently in a "thing" with a few women who said a few mean things to me and my friend. We haven't spoken to them since but when we ran into them, we took the high road and said hi only to have them completely ignore us. They may think we're mean and rude, but when it comes down to it, they are and I'm so proud of my friend and I for taking the high road and being nice.

    Reply
  2. Emily says

    May 20, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    I just wrote last night about a recent bout of depression that turned my heart ugly. I can't tell you how much it would've helped to have been greeted with kind smiles when I was that person but sadly, I felt a lot of that being thrown back at me. I know, from my good place, that good begets good and I know now that I am on this side again that it can mean the world and sometimes life and death to someone if you just smile.

    Emily@remodelingthislife

    (is there any way you can bring back the ability to log in with a name and URL?)

    ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
  3. Michele says

    May 20, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Thank You, Thank You. I am printing this post and will look at it often. I am in a terrbile thing with a cousin that started last fall. I have been worring how this will be handled this summer at our lake homes. As it will be an issue. I "know" all of what you said. I know I need to handle it the way you said. But as you know it can be so hard! So this is so well said and all summed up right there that I can print and refer to it often…like when I just want to give up and take the ever so low road. Thanks!!!! Helping people one post at a time you are! Love It.

    Reply
  4. TaDa! Creations says

    May 20, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    Thank you. I needed to hear this today. I was just thinking about a situation while taking my shower, and wasn't sure how I should handle it. Now I know for sure what I'll do.

    Reply
  5. momto5minnies says

    May 20, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    I was reading this as two teenagers were giving each other lip. I'm sure they ignored me as I read this out loud ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Very good thoughts …

    Reply
  6. stitching under oaks says

    May 20, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    this is wonderful Sarah. I have a very nasty neighbor who is just a pill and I've struggled between kindness and ignoring her….I'm purposing to be confidently me and show her love knowing that if she chooses nastiness, that's her deal, not mine! Thanks so much. I've really been enjoying your blog.

    Reply
  7. Julie Johnson says

    May 20, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Needed this…thank you! I have a SIL that I have struggled to deal with for several years now. It's really affected my relationship with my MIL too. For a long time I was just bitter and angry. Time is healing the wounds…slowly. Your words are such a great reminder…..
    julie

    Reply
  8. PhoenixRising says

    May 20, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    As I struggle to ….. 'not dislike' my ex husband… this post hits home. *sigh* Like it or not, it is all true. *hangs head*

    Reply
  9. sweetpea says

    May 20, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Thank you… I NEEDED to hear that! I will try to take that high road!

    Reply
  10. Sheri @ www.careergirlinterrupted.com says

    May 20, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    i just did a post yesterday on a bible verse akin to the poem quote – and how i failed, but my ex rose to the challenge and took the high road, while i was the one to feel regret over my behavior. Good post. (My work URL for Maitland Rents is taking over my normal blog URL.)- Sheri from http://www.thesimasek-kiblerproject.blogspot.com

    Reply
  11. Pam says

    May 20, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    kill'em with kindness. another great post Sarah!

    Reply
  12. The Wolff Den says

    May 20, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    So true! And I can't get over how stinkin' CUTE Patrick is!

    Reply
  13. Val R says

    May 20, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    LOVED this post…so true!

    Reply
  14. Unknown says

    May 20, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    Thank you so much for this! I really needed this especially today with thoughts that are running in my mind and some recent events that have happened. I tried taking the high road but still it bothers me and wasn't sure what to do next until I read this.

    Reply
  15. Sandra says

    May 20, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    This post was very timely for me and was a help, once again proving there are no accidents. God was working on my heart here. Thank you.

    Reply
  16. Tiffany Lockette says

    May 20, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Great post and great advice, some that I will definitely take with me as my baby girl gets older. Thanks for the lecture, I didn't mind it at all.

    Reply
  17. Lisa says

    May 20, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    "Taking the high road" was a foreign concept until I met my husband- it even took a few years of knowing him to really get it. My family- all about the grudges and anger and who said what unkind thing. So sad. But my husband- always takes the high road, never burns bridges, always tries to see the good part of a person (even if it's just that they like the same restaurant!). And so he never has to worry about regrets or that someone is stewing somewhere because of him. It doesn't come naturally to me but I try to work on it.
    Great post!

    Reply
  18. Melanie @ Addicted to Homes says

    May 20, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Just what I needed to hear – as I'm currently in a situation where I really need to take the high road with an extended family member. My husband told me I need to "kill her with kindness". This post brought that to life, I don't want to have regrets later. I always look forward to reading your blog!

    Reply
  19. mCat says

    May 20, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    What a great post! I love that saying at the end. The name that everyone knows you by.

    True words

    Reply
  20. Seizing My Day says

    May 20, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    SO so true! =) I have been on the middle road all too often I think… when my heart is not seeking God morning, noon and night is when I tend to hit that road! My thing is that peace and contentment come when you are thinking of the other person rather than yourself… life flows more peacefully when your eyes are not on self… it is the best advise for a marriage … but applies to so many other relationships! =)

    I love the 3 names thing… brilliant! =)

    Reply
  21. meg duerksen says

    May 20, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    looks like he got a haircut!

    well…this post is true.
    ๐Ÿ™‚
    and convicting.

    Reply
  22. Anonymous says

    May 20, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    I'm so glad you wrote this post today. I'm going through something icky with a friend right now. I want to be on good terms with her but I'm not sure she wants to. I will continue to take the high road with her. You also reminded me of something I had forgotten about. My wonderful 6th grade Language Arts teacher gave me a handwritten copy of the Desiderata when I moved in the middle of the school year. I've held onto it all these years (I'm 41 now). It means so much to me. It's been about 10 years since I've looked at it. I am bringing it out now so I can share it with my own 6th grader. Thanks for reminding me of this.

    Reply
  23. Ginny O says

    May 21, 2010 at 12:36 am

    I'm delurking to say that this really made my day. Thanks so much for this, it really hit home for me and helped me realize how to take control in these types of not so nice relationships.

    Reply
  24. Sara says

    May 21, 2010 at 1:58 am

    That was a great post and it really made me step back and think about life. For the most part I feel as if I have taken the high road, but like everyone else out there you accidentally do things and say dumb things and feel awful about it later on. This post has made me want to just take a stronger leap towards the high road. With my 5 little people and my husband, I want be the best person I can. I pray that I will have that direction and to know the times to stop and try fix something and times to just turn and not get involved. I have learned that not everyone is going to understand where you are coming from, so when they offend you, sometimes they really aren't meaning to. Other times you may not understand someone else's history. So to the naked eye the situation is one way, but if taken a moment to understand someone, it will teach you a thing or two. And in my experience it will teach to be humble and more grateful for what you have. And a lot of the time realize the things that you think that are a huge deal, aren't always as big as you think.

    Reply
  25. Amy K says

    May 21, 2010 at 3:50 am

    Great thoughts to share. I really dislike that feeling you're talking about – being on bad terms with someone. I love your reminder that we have the power to change the situation just as much as they do. Thanks for the positive reminder. ๐Ÿ™‚ I just love reading your blog. Keep it up.

    Reply
  26. sucor says

    May 21, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Great post.

    Reply
  27. {cindy} says

    May 21, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Our children are not quite at the age of constant peer pressure and friend "drama", but I know with raising three girls, those days aren't far away!:)
    Teaching your children to mirror back what they want to see is such a tough lesson, but so powerful!
    Thanks for this post!
    Enjoy the day!

    Reply
  28. Decor To Adore says

    May 21, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    Forgiveness is not for the forgivee, it is for peace for the forgiver.

    I recently posted a story entitle the Ultimate DIY. It was to provide inspiration to others.

    You have two choices when you are wronged. You can be bitter or you can be better.

    Please stop by as I am hosting a giveaway to celebrate finishing this 23 year project.

    Reply
  29. Andrea in NH says

    May 22, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    Great post at a time when it is needed for me (and many others apparently ๐Ÿ˜‰
    I took the high road on the latest icky situation that I am in. Its the road I prefer anyway. Somedays I still feel under a cloud about the situation ~ hurt~ but knowing where I stand on my end always pulls me through.

    Thank you.

    Reply
  30. Unknown says

    May 24, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I am having some issues with a co-worker and I think this says it all perfectly. I will put this into motion tomorrow. If she isn't receptive, then that's not something I have to answer for later on.

    Reply
  31. Diane... says

    May 25, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    loved this Sarah!! I put a link to it on my blog, hope that's alright?!!? We all need to stay on the "high road"!

    Reply
  32. Jeanneke says

    February 1, 2012 at 7:41 am

    Desiderata has a place of honour in my home!
    Thanks for sharing; I love your blog.
    Love from Holland,

    Jeanneke.

    Reply
  33. Unknown says

    May 31, 2012 at 3:51 am

    Thank you so much for this post! I recently have chosen to take the high road in a situation where the other peson is taking the low one. I was actually feeling pretty down about my decision not to say anything, because then the only voice being heard is the negative one. This post completely reaffirmed my decision. I don't want that icky feeling and I certainly don't want to regret my own actions. I can only control my own actions and if they are ones that show kindness and love and integrity then I have nothing to worry about. Thank you for lifting my spirits.

    Reply

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Sarah Turner

When our first baby was placed in my arms I knew there was no place I wanted to be other than home with him every day. Twenty five years, and five more babies later, (six children, now ages 26-8), I still feel the same. I blog here about motherhood, how to make a house a home, easy recipes, and simple living. You can read more about me here.

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Nothing pretty, flashy, or spectacular. Just an o Nothing pretty, flashy, or spectacular.  Just an ordinary Monday morning breakfast counter after the kids leave for school.  Because ordinary gets the short hand in our culture but really it's extra special. 
It's a symbol of unselfishness, contentment, prudence and gratitude.  There is a certain peace about the ordinary.  It's the opposite of temporary-it holds the joy of contentment and gratitude and prudence all in one hand.  It's lends itself toward peace, and a settling in, not a constant search for more or less or anything.  Ordinary is authentic and good enough- in short it's a gem in disguise. ๐Ÿƒ
I love my home and I hope you do also. With all t I love my home and I hope you do also.  With all the imperfections and maintenance it requires, when I pull up and walk in I want to stay, to relax, to feel safe, for daily life to be easy, and to care for "home". I want simplicity, ease, convenience.  To me when my home is simple, without being filled to the brim of things that just take up space I love it best.  I hope if you've participated fully or even partially as time allowed in 40 Bags in 40 Days you've found that joy and pride in your home.  I plan to share more little challenges and tips as the year proceeds to trouble shoot areas and keep maintenance effortless and the house love flowing.  Daily life in our homes should bring us joy and ease while we care for our families, we should be thoughtful stewards of our money and of our time and simple living is the answer to that. 
Thank you for participating! ๐Ÿก
I think this is one of the best things about the 4 I think this is one of the best things about the 40 Bag decluttering process.  When I know what I have and have removed all that I don't, it cultivates more discretion and caution about what I bring back in.  I think there is also some realization of how much money is wasted on fads, or thoughtless purchases.  It's quite eye-opening.  I've become so much more careful, and find we all take better care of things, as do my children.
The final week of 40 Bags in 40 Days! I've tackle The final week of 40 Bags in 40 Days!  I've tackled all the areas of my home with exception of my oldest daughter's room (not the photo)- which she is excited to work on this week.
The simpler the room, the easier it is to clean an The simpler the room, the easier it is to clean and straighten up.  And then the more enjoyable it is to actually sit in that room.  It's not a hard equation, all it takes is ruthless purging-and not just little things but larger items also.  Functional furniture is the key and very few decorative pieces especially when children are in the home, makes life so much easier. 
๐Ÿƒ
As we head into the last week of the 40 Bags in 40 As we head into the last week of the 40 Bags in 40 Days Challenge I'm hearing from so many of you what a difference it has made in your appreciation of your homes, a certain contentment, and at the same time a thrill of looking in on the organized kitchen, closet and living space.  I agree!  I love purging, cleaning and organizing a space and then going back later that day just to get that wonderful sense of accomplishment.  It makes such a difference! 
๐Ÿƒ
A lighter, fresher, calmer home is the result of de-cluttering.  I even had a participant who had been planning on listing her home, start 40 Days just to get her house ready to sell, and then was so ruthless in the process and also thrilled by the results that they decided to stay put in what seemed like a new home to them.  What a savings of time, money and energy. 
๐Ÿƒ
Next week I will be talking maintenance and answer all questions! โ˜€๏ธ
Tips For Shared Kids Rooms- This bedroom has seen Tips For Shared Kids Rooms-
This bedroom has seen every configuration possible.  With kids spread out 18 years apart, I've had to be creative over the years-which I think is the key to sharing rooms.  It is all possible-I consider it a rare luxury and privilege to not have to share a room although I know that is not the norm today. 
๐Ÿƒ
I like to create a simple look with white furniture (this ends up making room transitions easier also when moving someone out and someone else in.) I also like to match bedspreads for a cohesive look. 
๐Ÿƒ
Clip on bed lights save space. 
๐Ÿƒ
A simple shared book shelf can hold a child's special books and knick knacks and if necessary can be assigned per shelf.
๐Ÿƒ
When my kids were younger I had my dad build me a large wooden roll out box for under each bed.  This held each child's toys. 
๐Ÿƒ
All clothes are kept in a closet instead of dressers to save space.
I feel like I bailed on everyone following 40 Bags I feel like I bailed on everyone following 40 Bags progress and tips.  My excuse is the stomach flu ravaging us all here in the last week with me being the last to fall and the slowest to recover.  On top of that the weekend before I tried to roller blade (don't even ask how many steps I made it) and majorly bit it.  Thankfully I think I just sprained my arm. So I've been using one arm for nursing sick children back to health, and doing whatever cleaning and cooking and straightening I can do.  Alas, last week was a wash.  We have two weeks to go.  I'd like to continue and end on a high note.  How about you?  Even a little de-cluttering counts! Spring is in the air and I can't wait to throw open my windows and let fresh clean air circulate through my fresh clean orderly home. โ˜€๏ธ๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒฑ
Especially where kids are concerned- we tend to th Especially where kids are concerned- we tend to think that the more things they have the happier and more occupied and loved they will feel.  Nothing can replace human interaction and I've found that too many toys has the reverse affect.  They cause overwhelm-just like us - we'd rather sit in an orderly space than one filled with too many things to do and too much stuff.
โ˜€๏ธ
When it comes to kids closets here are some tips-
1. Hand me downs don't all have to be received.  Or received at all.  Be choosy and keep just what they will use and need.
2. When children are presented with too many choices, tension and acrimony can exist.  Being able to open a closet with a reasonable amount of outfits can create more peace.
3. Cultivating independence in care of clothes is easier when there is less and the space is simplified and organized. 
โ˜€๏ธ
More tips coming on the blog this week.  I am moving my blog platform so I can't make any promises - it's under construction and that's exciting!
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