A Mushed Up Heart and Choices
Sometimes I write about my decision I made to stay home with my babies. This post is meant to serve as encouragement to mothers who are making that difficult choice, who wonder if it can be done financially, and/or who might have had the same torn feelings as I did about going to work and leaving my little ones.
Eighteen years ago I had decided to look at life through a long lens-I had so much time for myself after the kids were older and not in need of such intensive care, to use my college degree, and if I wanted, to be away from my home. But I could never ever get those precious years back with my little ones-they’d only be 6 weeks, or 6 months, or 3 once and I didn’t want to miss a thing.
When I was handed my firstborn baby, 18 years ago, I had been married 10 months. It was really not the greatest time for us to be having a baby. My husband was in school, we both had school loans- and car loans. We had very very little money saved. Jeff had a part-time college job with just about the worse health insurance you could have. I had no job as I had just moved to the city Jeff was attending school in. This was not the plan of course (see below). On top of that all, I spent the first four months of pregnancy with hyperemesis-debilitating sickness that gave me a hospital stay hardly covered by insurance. Yes, we were both participants in this little honeymoon surprise, but it was still sort of shocking…we were young and had our life together planned out perfectly 🙂 before us.
The Newlywed Plan: I was going to get a good job, with good insurance, he’d go to school, and have time to study. We were renting a little duplex in a halfway decent part of town, maybe after he passed his exam we’d move to a fun city, maybe we’d buy a great house…honestly we didn’t even talk about the “when” part of having children. We’d finally have money for things! We couldn’t wait to lead this exciting, newlywed, “the world is our oyster” part of life. And lo and behold, here I am, with a BABY, 10 months later. NOT in the plan, that’s for sure.
But I’ll tell you something, when the nurse put that baby in my arms, my choices, my plan, were gone. It really was maybe a scale of crazy because I did feel slightly inebriated with hormones. But that option of work/daycare/babysitters-it wasn’t even a consideration to me-it made me cry to even think about it. You couldn’t have ripped that baby out of my arms. I could hardly leave the room without him. I heard him crying in my sleep, (and the kid never cried in real life!), I smelled him from the other room, I couldn’t take my eyes of him. He brought me to my knees. See, crazy, I’ll admit. Rational? No way. So what was I, freaky baby mama, with no choice in her mind, to do?
I had found the only job I could get when I was hugely pregnant, months earlier, when the hyperemesis eased up … working for a mom of a toddler who traveled with her husband once in awhile. I took the job, because I knew she was okay with me bringing the baby those weekends. That job barely payed for groceries. We made it work, We hardly bought a thing other than food.
When that job fell apart because the family I was working for was transferred, my husband had finished school. He had worked too, while going to school full-time. I took his old college job…working as a merchandiser for a food company. I remember dreading having to “train” for two full days…I called my sister and begged her to come…I couldn’t leave the baby with anyone but family. She did, I trained, (and pumped milk in a freezing cold car and counted the minutes of every day) and when I was finished and had to work a few hours a week, I took Isaac with me, or Jeff helped out with my work too, above his school and his own “real” job.
By that time, we had bought a house…the ugliest house for sale in a decent neighborhood…the house that sat on the market forever because it was filthy and disgusting and had no AC, ancient gold appliances and a falling down garage. I cleaned and scrubbed and peeled and painted…all on the tightest budget imaginable. It took us years. (And we brought home our second baby about a year after moving in.) I still had little or any for extras, we still scraped by, and again, we never considered it an option for me to leave the kids for work…we were just going to live as tight as we could, and figure it out, and trust our gut feelings that home was the best place for me to be, with the kids.
Was it stressful? At times, for sure. But we never considered me working away from the kids…we still had that No Option But Home brain thing going. As the years went by we made it work. My husband eventually chose a job outside of law that allowed him normal working hours so he could spend time with us, and eventually, I found it unnecessary for me to be working outside the home. We had learned to live on one income, and to live on less and be very conscious of our spending and those lessons were beneficial for us always.
When I speak with first-time pregnant mom (or her husband) who seems to already taking a hard stance in her decision to go back to work, I want to say, “Please, don’t make that decision with your mind right now, make it with your mushed up heart after you hold that helpless little one! And please, give your heart a chance to be mushed up!”
When I hear someone say to me, “You’re really lucky you get to stay home!” I feel like it’s not totally fair. That doesn’t mean that I’m not so grateful and blessed to be able to stay home, but I KNOW what it took to get me here…choices and decisions that were hard and stressful, not so much luck involved. Blessed for sure, but it wasn’t just luck.
I really felt like my mom cemented into my head, “What is best for the child?” She says it a lot, I heard it a lot. I know some feminists would disagree with this, but I really felt, after having a child, in every bone of my body, it was all about that baby, anymore. I was an adult, I had my “all me” life before baby (not as many years as I had planned!), I made my choices! And now it was all about someone else…an innocent, helpless, fully vulnerable tiny human being who was completely dependent on his parents, whose first few years require intense times of care and love.
When I look back on those really tight years home with my baby (who is now 18!) I don’t regret one moment of it. In fact, sometimes I laugh at how much we worried instead of just trusted in ourselves and our decision and our ability to make it work. I know it strengthened our relationship, and in a way, set us on a trajectory that blessed us in many ways. We learned to live on very little and recognize each other’s priorities quickly, we learned how to communicate about money (lots of trial and error on that one!) and set budgets. I think it helped my husband make good career decisions, knowing he was the sole provider, and it forced us to turn away from the hamster wheel of working to spend, and reject the culture of competitiveness.
I am so so grateful for every day I’ve been blessed to be home with my children.
Here are more stories from mothers about their decision to be home with their children.
I have though so many of these thoughts through out the past 19 months I have been a Stay at Home mom. When people give me the "Your so Lucky you get to" speech I just smile and nod knowing deep down this was a choice we made. A sacrifice we make but, to us it is the one we feel God laid before us. Do we pinch penny's… Yes. At times do we wish I worked to bring in more money… Yes. Would we ever really want me to do it?… No. We are happy with our choices and I don't think working mom = bad mom. I think people are cut from different cloths. Mine just happens to think this choice was perfect for us at this time. Thanks for writing this. I found myself nodding the entire time I read it.
Very well written Sarah. I guess I would fall into the category of having it a little easier because we waited awhile to have kids. We were dirt poor while I taught school to get my husband through law school and then after his career was off and running, started our family. I feel lucky every day that I get to stay home with my kids (even though I know the choices we made played a big part in that). I love being a stay at home mom and wouldn't trade it for anything. The most important thing – whether you're working or staying home – is like you said, putting time spent with the children first.
When I found out in the states the paid maternity leave was only 6 weeks, I couldn't believe it. I was so thankful we have 9 months to a year here. I returned to my job as a teacher part time for two years and hated every minute of it. So we built a basement suite in our 850 sq ft. house and I was able to stay home. It wasn't easy financially, but we made it work. It was the best decision for me and I know it was for my girls.
Love this post. I hate the "your so lucky" comments too. I wish I had the guts to say something to these women, but not sure I could do it nicely. Its hard financially to stay home sometimes, but the only choice for me!
Very well written! And again, I agree whole heartedly with this.
There was no way I could go out to work and so we make it work, whatever it takes. Not always easy, many huge so called sacrifices have been made, but to us there is no alternative.
This post really says a lot to me as a mother who is staying home with her two children. After my first child I/we decided that I wanted to stay home (for at least a year) with our next child so we began saving then. We have made a lot of sacrifices and are definitely living on a strict budget, yet I know that in September chances are I'll be returning to the classroom. The one thing that is really driving our decision for me to return to work is insurance. I know that this is a "choice," but maternity insurance alone is ridiculously high and both of my children were born prematurely, so we feel that if we want to expand our family in the future, through God's blessing, that my insurance through teaching is the best option. I say a lot of prayers concerning this, and I hope that God will lead me in the right direction with our decision. Thank you for posting this, it has reminded me that we do have a choice, it's just a heavily weighted one.
Aaw I love that picture – and you look exactly the same as you do now… THAT is lucky 😉
Oh this is such a hard topic not to feel defensive about. I fell in love with the most wonderful man, who I knew from the day I met him would be a fabulous father and great partner, but who was an archeologist – very happily making it on the road on a "in the teens" salary living in hotels. When we got married and settled down, I was the one in law school and he was the one who started a small business so we could scrape by basically living the life you described (nine years later we're still working on that first house though!)
We made the same decision that our children needed to be home and there was no way on earth we would ever drop them off at daycare. The thing is, although we lead a pretty humble existance in our tiny house clipping coupons, it was also really important to me that we have great health insurance (so much more so because we have a child who requires out of state medical treatment), that we have college savings for them, that we don't accumulate debt, and that we are STABLE. Unfortunately options for a former archeologist are limited to pretty much nothing, and I did get that dream job that pays well and has fabulous benefits and great flexibity (after putting in my time at the hellish big law firm!)
SO, my husband stayed home with the kids, while I worked. I feel lucky that I have a job that allows me to take off for all their little preschool shows and their ballet recitals. I get random holidays like Presidents Day off to just play at the park with them. When I was put on bed rest, I was allowed to work from home, and I will be able to work from home until this baby is four months old.
Meanwhile, my kids are home with a dad who absolutely dotes on them and spends entire days in the backyard teaching them to build fires and find fairies. So, I'm going to be wild and progressive and say that I think the best place for a child is home with a PARENT. I do wish that parent were me, and yes I have that same response to leaving my babies to go to work, but I do honestly feel like it is best for our family as a whole for me to work and him to stay home. (The goal is by the time the kids are all in school, for me to arrange my schedule so I'm home in time to pick them up and be home in the afternoons with them, and we're on track for that to be able to happen)
Also, the fact that I have to work makes me really not take the time I do have with my kids for granted. It it so apparent that you cherish your kids and take motherhood seriously. I have friends, thougn, who are stay at home moms who don't ever get down on the floor and play with their kids, who because they are around their kids all the time, take them for granted. I'd like to think that I make up for the fact that I cannot be with my kids 24/7 by making the most I possibly can with the evenings and weekends and holidays that I DO have with them. My weekends are sacred – we almost never have plans, because those are my days to just be with my kids.
Sorry for writing a book… mostly I just wanted to say that sometime dads can be pretty awesome stay at home parents too.
Yay, Sarah. Thank you for this great post. I am so thankful for your strong voice on this subject.
Stay at home mom.
Devon
Very well written….
I LOVE being home….. the sacrice it brings (financially) is growing us into better stewards of what we have. We are faithful tithers … and God has supplied everything we need!
HAve a great Wedensday! I'm off to pack for BlissDom!
I can't help but think that your post will be a lovely gift and legacy to give to your children. No matter what others think about this topic, what stands out to me is the love you have for your children. They are indeed lucky.
From a 52 year old Nonny, thank you for this post. I too stayed at home with my three. They were all born in less than four years. We rented for ten years before we could afford to buy a home. I drove an old car with no air conditioning….when I HAD a car. There was a time we shared a car. There were no big vacations and money for groceries was very tight. BUT, I never had to leave my children with someone else while I worked. It wasn't easy and there were days when I thought I wanted to just get away…but they were few and far between and well worth the sacrifice.
I think part of the problem these days is that young people have so many *things* BEFORE they decide to have children that it's hard to get rid of that debt to free them up to stay home. Our society is partly to blame. We have somehow gotten away from some of the values and what is REALLY important.
I, like you, am not saying the moms that work do not love their children. And, like you, I know there are certainly single moms and moms who do not have a supportive spouse, that do not have a choice. I think we all know that is not what we are talking about here. It is SACRIFICE. Who is willing to sacrifice?
Thanks for sharing! This is always a hard thing, or should I say a "hot topic" among women!
I was a stay at home mom for the first five years (I have two girls). I always thought I would stay home full time. However, I ended up getting a part time teaching position. I love how this has worked out. I can get the girls on the bus, work a few hours and then be home hours before they get home!
I'm enjoying this "time". Right now it works for our family.
I actually don't mind the notion that I am "lucky" to stay at home, but the insinuation that I am lazy or I have it easy since I only have to take care of the house and kids and not juggle a job makes me crazy.
I have been in the house with sick kids for 8 days. I imagine I have another 3 or 4 days with sickies to go. How would I deal with this if I was working?
I love these posts on vintage parenting and staying at home because my choices do feel odd and unusual out in the real world. And even though in my heart of hearts I know we are making wise decisions for my family, it is easy to second guess yourself or wonder why others aren't living this lifestyle if it's such the right thing to do.
More, Sarah, more. You are lifting me up!
YES! YES! I held my first born and there was NO WAy I was going back to work! One income HAD to work and it did for a year. then I started an in-home daycare for about 4 years til my husband was transferred out of state. I am grateful to have been home for those 5 years with my 3 kids. Let me say that staying home is far More work And more rewarding than anything I have done so far 🙂
thank you! too many people think those of us that stay at home are rich and spoiled. my husband and i are a lot like you were back then, only we are that RIGHT NOW but i wouldn't trade any of it in the world because i know things change, we're reaching goals and getting where we want to be this way and i am just thankful i won't have to look back someday and realize we would've gotten there either way and i wish i had been home. i feel lucky to be home with my kids, but i also know we sacrifice a lot for that to be what i do.
When friends and family heard that my husband was going back to school, full-time, for 4 or 5 years for pharmacy and I was going to continue to stay home, they looked at us as if we were crazy. Not once, while we were trying to figure out if we could make this work, was the idea of me going back to work an option. We decided that even if it meant selling our house and renting an apartment, that is what we would do. So, we tightened the reigns, grew on our own food and borrowed a lot of student loan money. We made it work and with one more year to go and a third baby added to the family in the meantime, we still stand by our decision and have proven that a parent can stay home if it's top priority. It's not luck. It's giving up things and doing without things.
That said, I do think that for some, there really is no choice but to have to work. I'm not talking about those who have to work because they have over-extended themselves financially and now have to work to maintain a certain lifestyle. I'm talking about those families who already live in a small apartment, have no/little health insurance and scrape by for groceries. When those moms wish they could stay home and (really, truly) can't, it breaks my heart. They should not feel guilty. They are doing their best for their child. And that's all each of us can do. Our best.
I couldn't agree more.
Our first son was born 14 years ago today and I did try to go back to work because I just thought that I had to financially. I was miserable to say the least. Then I tried working part time , still miserable, I felt like I wasn't doing a good job at home or at work.
My husband and I decided we would make it work. We sold one of our cars and worked hard to stay on a budget.
My mother discouraged me and said that I should wait until our son was in middle school, a time when he would really need me around. She was right, he needs me now, but he needed me when he was a baby too.
I am so thankful to have had this time with our kids, and I'm glad that we took the chance on financial ruin. It hasn't been easy financially, but we manage to save a little for college and pay our bills.
We are fortunate to have generous families who give to our children throughout the year, new shoes, clothing, etc.
Our boys are now 11 and 14 and I wouldn't give back a single day that I had with them. It was the single best decision I ever made, not always easy, but always worth it.
Touching story! thanks for sharing
I don't judge moms who work for whatever the reason. I think as women we are, sometimes, our own worst enemy. Some women just aren't "homey" types, that doesn't mean they don't love their babies any less than those who stay home…and whose to say those that stay home are "doing it right" and we all know what that means.
I was a teacher in a day care for several years while I worked my way through school, and I saw both sides of the coin. The parents who dropped their 6 week old off and took off for a Bahama trip (grandma would be picking up later!!) and the moms who did it because they barely were making it. It would be so easy for me to judge (and I sure did at the time!!) and put all of these parents into categories, but now that I am a new mom, WOW, all I have to say is that I am so sorry I ever judged anyone.
I say to my husband almost daily how I never realized how HARD it is to do this. I love it, don't get me wrong and I love that I was able to make the choice to stay home with my son, but man, some days I think about those moms who can drop off and at least breath for a few minutes in peace.
So, no, I do not judge anymore. Not if they have a Beemer, or a shore house. It is tough for all moms in different ways. We are all doing the best we can.
Allison
Great post. Could not agree more. Thanks.
Again Sarah, you say how I feel. We too had our first daughter unexpectedly and I was determined to give her the same life I would have given for her had we been trying for years to conceive her. My husband worked very very hard (making teens also) while he was in law school. I stayed at home and was responsible for the kids 24/7. Its tough all around. We now have three girls and I am so thankful that both of us were raised in families that valued the importance of a stay at home parent, we have very similar outlooks for our kids and we both work very hard to make it happen. We know all too well how little a lawyer makes the first few years. It is year 4 for us and with three little girls and a mortgage we are so thankful for our situation but believe me we have made lots of sacrifice that we will never regret to get where we are today. Thanks for writing this.
When my husband and I got married, we decided that when we became parents – I would stay home. When that day actually came, finances were really tough. Though it wasn't our plan – we decided that financially we needed my income. However, the night before I was to return to work as I was sitting there with our little Isaac in my arms, my looked at me with his feelings all over his face and said, "I can't do. I just can't do it. I can't let you go back to work. He needs you. I'll do whatever I have to do to make this work." And so, I did not return to work. We, like you, feel that every sacrifice no matter how hard it's been have been worth it. It's not always easy, but the rewards far out-weigh the sacrifice. Thanks for getting the word out there.
No other choice here as well. And sacrifice has become our family name 🙂 Luck has had nothing to do with it.
this is SO encouraging. My husband and I work for a Christian university-based organization and I'm 3 months pregnant and we've decided I'll always stay home with out kids. It will mean even less than before coming in, but we believe it's worth it to raise our kids and not a stranger just so we can save a few bucks or drive a nicer car.
Thank you for your affirming post 🙂
Your story is very close to my story too. We never made a plan on when to have kids or how many. But the minute they put that first baby in my arms everything changed. I have been home for over 14 years. We now have 7 children. Life is not easy and we are now entering a new phase of parenting with teens. I have guilt because we can not keep up with the Jones'. My kids do not have everything handed to them like their friends do. Sometimes that is hard. But in other ways it is teaching them so much more that life is not only about stuff but about people and relationships. They do not judge others and have empathy they might not of had if they had everything under the sun. Sacrifice is something that is a hard lesson but a very, very valuable one that my kids will take with them into adulthood. Hopefully they won't see it as a bad thing but a gift to think stuff is just stuff and people are more important.
Agree. There is no luck involved, just making a choice and sticking to it.
We always say that we could have a bigger house (with a garage!) if I worked – but then everyone would be in afterschool/daycare and stressed out and tired when we all finally got home – a big house and no one home to enjoy it. At least our little house is well loved all hours of the day.
What a great post. I couldn't agree more. Being a mom and doing it well is the hardest job ever- but also the most rewarding. It's definitly worth all of the sacrifices. (Something people don't usually mention when they start talking about how lucky I am!)
I agree with you on choices – but I also think that sometimes that choice is not right for the family – even if it COULD be made. Could my husband and I make it if I quit my job and we scrimped and saved every penny? Probably. But with him in school for his master's and working full-time, that stress is not what he needs right now on top of starting a family. So while it's not ideal that we'll have to find a means of daycare (most likely nearby family) for the first two years, it means that my husband will be able to enjoy the time that he is at home without worrying about where the next mortgage payment is going to come from, that in this uncertain economy we won't be clinging to his job for our sole source of security. And a happy and as unstressed as possible husband and father is just as important to me.
I've been loving your blog so much, but this one takes the cake. Good timing:) I have tears streaming down my face reading this while I have another window open trying to figure out how we're going to pay all of our bills while I sit in our tiny little house(that we absolutely adore!) with a 2.5 year old and 10 month old that I can't imagine leaving for a single second. I had all the plans in the world to go back to work part-time after our 2.5 year old was born…and then I held her. We are right in the midst of the hell or high water right now and I still wouldn't have it any other way.
When we sit together and really think about it, we are still so blessed in comparison to the hardships of so many lives. There are people in this world who struggle with how they'll ever feed their hungry children on a daily basis or if they'll have a roof over their heads to sleep – it puts our struggles into perspective in a serious way. Though things are tight, I've never once worried about how I'll be able to feed my family, even if it's on a shoestring budget – for that I am grateful every single day.
I'm rambling. All of this is to say, thank you. It always makes my heart feel good to read thoughts like your from people who have been where I am in life:)
Our stories are very similar. We also had our first little boy really young and I took small jobs for a while, but when I found out I was having baby boy #2, that was it. I sobbed and said I WANT to be here at home with them. My husband was starting a college course for 9 months Mon-Sat and worked part time. Thats it. We had one car, no internet, no cable, no extra money. Looking back it was hard but very simple living and I love that we made that hard choice when we did. GREAT post!
Anything worth having is worth a sacrifice. There is no way anyone can be a stay at home mom and NOT sacrifice something…and usually it is yourself…your "dreams"…your "aspirations". But it is funny how these little people change your dreams and suddenly you aren't quite sure why you dreamed them in the first place 🙂
Going against the tide is hard. But it is good. And our kids are happy and cared for…and that is all that matters 🙂
Jenn
I wanted to make a statement about how wonderful is the life of a child who gets to have Dad at home, but Vera said it perfectly above. I also want to say that I see parents who have wonderful families and can handle very well whichever lifestyle they choose, but Anonymous a/k/a Allison said it very well.
I think there is a very strong reason why women AND MEN choose the partner that they choose.
You are blessed to have recognized the value of this sacrifice for your family, and more so that your husband is on board and so supportive. While I sometimes feel that our situation is filled with "wants" that are not "needs" and that those material things keep me from being able to stay home, I know that truly, the problem is that we aren't on the same page… and I'm still praying about it.
Thank you for sharing your story, staying at home is something that has been killing me to do for sometime. Im able to make everything work by being able to work from home part of the week and then my kids are watched by their grandparents when Im at work. But I keep brainstorming solutions that won't disrupt our lives too much.
Thank you! Thomas Jefferson said, "I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it." We've definitely found that to be true in our lives! I'm a stay-at-home-mom to a 19 month old boy. We count ourselves very blessed that the Lord has allowed us this opportunity, but it has come as a result of hard work, pinching pennies, and doing without a lot of extra "stuff." Thanks for the reminder that it is all worth it.
No place I would rather be, HOME…… It is worth every trying, tiring, tear jerking, chaotic, happy, loving, playful moment! I have 7 kids six of them under six years old. Talk about hard and exhausting and sacrifice, All worth it. Thanks for saying what so many of us feel!
I love when you tell your story. I hate it when people criticize you for telling your story. I love what you have to say. My story is so similar, and I need to read/hear/see that others feel the same way! And have lived the same way. Keep talking about this! I hate the "Mommy Wars", but I don't think that's what you're doing here. Can't we SAHM's have a voice?
Oh wow, my story is similar to yours. I even took a job once, a full time job, b/c my husband hated his job and I wanted to give him the flexibility to change. We also needed way cheaper health insurance b/c hubby was making about 25k/year at the time at a small business and ins. premiums were killing us (this was 6 years ago, thank goodness he went back to teaching and now makes double that). Our kids were about 3 and 5 years old when I tried to work, and I just couldn't do it. Every cell in my body cried when I went to my job. I lasted about one week, and told my boss in tears that I couldn't do it, and she was nice enough to let me work just part-time until they could find someone else for the job, which ended up to be about a month.
Like you, I have a husband who though he is a feminist at heart, is also a bit old-fashioned and just fine with being the wage earner while I take care of the kids and house.
Oh, and I babysit a little 6-month old 4 days a week, whose mom drops him off in a Lexus and dad in a big Ford truck, and he wears designer clothes, etc. BUT I REALLY DON'T JUDGE THAT. He is the happiest, sweetest little guy and I feel so privileged to have him in my life and earn a little money for it. I don't GET how she (yes, just "she") can do it every day, but I respect her b/c at least she admits she loves her job and doesn't want to quit it.
She's doing it, and it's fine right now, but it's not what I would do…That's it.
As someone sitting on the other side of this situation, I sometimes wish things had NOT gone according to our plan. My husband and I did everything "right" – we postponed pregnancy until he finished his master's degree, I have my "dream job", we bought and renovated our 4-bedroom suburban home, paid off the cars, took fun vacations, etc. Now we've been trying to have a baby for several months and experienced two miscarriages. I'm envious of my sister, who is pregnant with her second while her husband finishes his degree and works full-time.
From the outside, it looks like I have the perfect life. I have everything I want – except what matters most. Just as couples in your situation struggle, my husband and I are also struggling.
You can bet I'll be spending every second I can with our little ones when that day finally comes!
Thank you for writing this. We've also made the same choice "come hell or high water….One of us will be home with the kids". I was a teacher for 6 yrs before leaving to have our first and have been home for over 3 yrs now. We are very blessed that my husband has a great job that supports us all. I also feel the same way "It's a choice…not luck". Wish more would understand that. Thanks again for be real and honest.
Thank you Sarah! My family is still at that stage where I need to make some extra money. Like you, I figured it out. My husband and I made it work. Nearly all my friends say "I'm lucky that I have a talent that allows me to work from home". No I'm not lucky, I worked my rear-end off to become a graphic designer. I knew it was something I could do freelance.
I didn't choose to become a lawyer or a teacher… something that would require me to work out of the home. I planned, I knew I wanted to stay home with my children and I made certain decisions and worked toward that ultimate goal.
As you know, I grew up in the town you now live in. My mother stayed home with me and my 3 brothers. I attended your Church, we shopped at the same family owned grocery and spent summers riding bikes up and down the tree-lined streets to little league games and Mr. Freeze. I attended an all girls Catholic school. My faith and family-oriented upbringing led me down this path.
I wish we could move back, my husband is from the Chicago land area and his work is here. I chose to move here after attending Miami University. He loves my home town (our town), but the industry he works in won't allow it. Oh well.
Thanks again for your honesty. I never have the guts to say speak up and explain… it isn't luck!
I haven't had a chance to read through all the comments because I just needed to quickly type this out before one of the babes needs me – I couldn't agree more. I was going to work, thought I needed to work, couldn't see how a lawyer 2 years out of school with a MOUNTAIN of debt could possibly not worked. But then my daughter was born and my mushed up heart took over. Every.single.day. for the year that I continued to work was the.hardest.day.of.my.life. We had a great babysitter, one of my best friends, but it was still the most unnatural feeling in the world to leave behind my child.
And for what? Really. Money? Comfort? Stability? Status? But what about the heart. Finally, my husband had enough of me crying every night, I was beginning to get depressed, I had a miscarriage that year – and it was all just too much. I quit. I'm at home now (going on almost 3 years) with 2 kids and one on the way. We live paycheck to paycheck. The mountain of debt still lingers. But led by my heart, and the Holy Spirit, we've done what is absolutly the best thing.
And it has nothing to do with being "lucky." My whole body cringes when people have said that to me – I can't stand it. Your post perfectly explains why. Thank you.
Thank you thank you thank you- for saying this all out loud. I am blessed to have a husband that works as hard as he does tomake it work so that I can stay home with the girls- where we both believe I belong. Even with them all at school- who would watch them on sick days and snow days, and how could they not come home to me and a snack and rest and play with their family. It's all about priorities -if we really want to splurge on something- we save up the cash. I wear the same three outfits daily and have 1 pair of blackpants- for funerals or weddings. But I' m home with my girls. My girls wear clothes from walm art and target- but they are well loved and well supllied with books and arts and craft supplies. And so on and so on.
So no, it isn't LUCK -it 's PRIORITIES!
ps. I say I'm blessed to have a husband that works hard and shares my family values, but really, he is my second husband. My first husband didn't. So again, I guess it goes back to choices and priorites. I made a point of finding someone who shared mine the second time around.
Well put. We do have to make that choice, but in my mind, as well, there wasn't much of a choice. How could I let someone else raise my kids for me? Even now, as my youngest is starting school, a friend asked if I was going to work once my kids were all in school. But if I were working, who would be there for them to help with homework? Who would take them their gym clothes when they forgot? Who would clean the house? Although I'd gladly give that one up. I'm here for my children.
I too have friends that state how lucky I am all that time. And while I do count being home with my children as a blessing, I do get a little annoyed at the inference that it's just that easy. We sacrifice a lot and go without a lot more than my working friends. But I feel it's worth it. I know that people think they can't afford it, but if you look at it through that lens, you will always have a justification. If we start looking through the lens of we can't afford not to stay home with our kids, there is almost always a way…. even if it means no cell phone or satellite or (gasp!) high speed internet.
I really like vera's post above. One thing thats not so great about the way things used to be is the father's role. My husband is a fully engaged, and present parent. We both work but we are both able to be home a lot so our kids get to see and spend time with BOTH parents. My husband is not the sole source of income and I'm really happy I didn't make him feel like he had to be. We are very LUCKY that we are both teachers and have wonderful parents that also help out. I wouldn't change a thing.
I am noticing and I do think its sad that insurance is a huge reason why so many women have to work.
Jennifer
WOW! This is the exact thing I needed to read today. Thank you for helping me realize that other moms feel this way, I feel like I'd do ANYTHING to stay at home with our youngest…even if that means "scraping by"..counting change to buy food or gas until the next paycheck. Our youngest is two, he'll be in pre-K (all day) not this coming fall, but next and I want to do all I can to be able to stay with him until that time comes. I just don't want to fathom leaving him with someone other than myself for literally 40 hours a week. It's just not in me, I cannot do that to him, or me. Why are we made to feel selfish or worse (lazy) for wanting to be with our children, they're OURS …why wouldn't we want to be with them. I get absolutely crazy headed when I hear moms say, "I cannot believe the daycare is closed today, I need to go to work"……..although I don't have anything against working moms…I just cannot comprehend that sort of attitude. Anyway, thanks again for the reassurance of staying at home. I appreciated what you said.
Now, off to clean, pick up and try to organize a bit. Things are a bit unruly around here.
Thank you for this, I was having a pretty overwhelming morning and this helped! There are so many things going on, but if we just keep on keeping on hopefully they will work out!! Hard being an adult! haha
Sara
Thanks Sarah, as always, you hit close to home!
Oh this post made me so very happy! I have been a lurker for a while now, but I had to delurk to tell you thank you! It seems like things that were fine and a good choice earlier are now under attack. It boggles my mind. My favorite part was when you said "But I'm not asking for your support…you might want my support to make yourself feel better, or to help you out in some way, but I was taught it was totally 100% up to me and my husband to raise our children." I love it because I think it is true. Thank you thank you!
No one has ever made me feel bad about staying home…I was even a stay at home wife for a few years before baby came along…
One other thing…the part about being "blessed"…it's nice to feel that way, but I believe that is about as annoying as "lucky"…JMO.
And yes, this is definitely taking a turn toward the mommy wars…I'm a stay at home and I oddly feel like taking up for the working woman…I guess because she has no time today to peruse blogs and leave comments;)
Allison
Wow, Sarah! I love this post, I have always felt that nobody loves you more than your Mommy, and babies do belong in their mother's arms. I couldn't let that go when my babies were born, they were meant to be with me! I admire your courage to take a stand on this…I wish that I could with a few of my friends that say, "oh, I just couldn't stay home", not because they couldn't afford it, because it would drive them crazy. What? The days may be long, but the years are short, I drink it up everyday, trials and all!
I was thoroughly intrigued with your post. So intrigued, that the only thing that could tear me away from finishing it was the cooing darling sprawled across my lap. Then my milk came down, and then my two-year-old screamed that it was potty time (hallelujah!), and . . .
Maybe later, during naptime, I can read all the comments.
But I couldn't have said it better: Babies belong in the arms of their mothers.
So glad I've found you. Where have I been?
This is my first time commenting on your blog, although I've read it often the past few months. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is such a taboo thing to say. It's whispered to each other in your small playgroups, "How can anyone go back to work after they hold their baby?" It's something I have always struggled with. Not personally, I was similar to you in that we had our oldest son 9 months after our wedding day! It never even crossed my mind that I would work. I couldn't. It went against every fiber in my being. There have been times over the years that I've picked up part time jobs here and there. Always ones that I could work around my husband's schedule or I could bring my babies with me. It wasn't and isn't easy, but my mind is at peace and that's what makes it "easy" for me. Thanks for being honest!
I love this so much I linked it to my fb acct. You have a way of saying so many things that I think and feel much more eloquently than I could articulate. I get a lot of the "you're lucky… I wish I could but I can't… I have to work for insurance" comments, too. I hear it mostly from the friends I taught school with that are still teaching, and uttered days after they buy a new suv, book a wonderful vacation, or blow crazy money on boutique clothes for their children- things that just aren't in our budget if I'm going to be "lucky" enough to stay home. I normally just keep quiet, afraid that my rebuttal would be misconstrue as jealousy of their material goods. It has forced me to surround myself with more like-minded people. Thank you for your words, for making me feel like I'm not the only one, and for sharing it so compassionately!
LOVED Allison's comment! ahah! I was thinking the same thing about all of the "blessed" comments.
Jennifer
Awesome! Our first child was born 9 1/2 months after we got married. My husband was in grad school getting his masters. I stayed home primarily because I couldn't get a job while pregnant. Also, I once he was born the idea of working kind of made me a crazy person. We had two more while he was finishing his doctorate. All the while we lived with so much less than our friends. And I have to say those were some happy days! We went on walks to look at the old beautiful houses in the downtown area of the town where lived because we couldn't afford any other entertainment. And during those years I never really had the mommy wars experience. Now that my husband is done with school and we live somewhere else, it's rampant. I really appreciate this post, primarily today since I tend to have a working mommy condesend every Wednesday. Owning our choices is so important!
I bet that felt just great to get that off of your chest! No, you didn't have to tell us all that background stuff, but I am sure glad you did. You still might get some yucky comments. Oh well…..
Mine was a little different choice. I gave up schooling after one year of university to get married and start a family. Maybe to some this wouldn't be too hard but I lived for school. I lived to get the tuition and a half scholarship for 4 years to the university of my choice. I derived so much of my self-esteem from good grades. Then I realized God had a different plan for me at this point in my life and I made the decision to go with His plan instead of mine. While trying to get pregnant my husband and I did door to door sales to pay of his loans. And then I worked selling furniture while he finished up schooling. After living that life I am so glad to be a stay at home mom. I can not imagine leaving my baby. My arms really are the best for him to be in. I am the best one to teach him values and truths. I am the best one for him to be with. Some might say I'm lucky that my husband agrees that I should stay home but that too was a choice. I chose the man to marry and I made sure he agreed with me on this before we tied the knot. I've also found that learning certain skills that make me a better mother can make me feel just as good as a 4.0 GPA. Miracles happen and blessings come, but choice and consequence is a huge part of what makes up ones life. So like you I don't think working mom=bad mom or schooling mom=bad mom. It's all in the motives and I may never know what others motives are. But I believe our generation thinks too much about the mother's well being and too little about the baby's.
Great post. I also believe it is all about priorities, and feel like my husband and I's choice for me to stay home didn't come without sacrifices. But, it's a constant state of eb and flow, balancing it all out. Thanks for speaking your mind and reiterating the struggle that we all feel.
As someone who is not yet a mother, but wants to be in the near future, here are my thoughts:
There are ways to work without being away from your children. For instance, the job I have lets me telecommute nearly all the time. I get 12 holidays off per year, and 4 weeks of vacation time. If I do go into the office, it can be at any time; right now I work from 6 to 3:30 and am off every other Friday. So once our (future) children begin school, my husband will be able to drop them off at school and I will be able to pick them up. They won't have to go to day care or sit outside the school until 5 PM waiting for us. Until they are in school, we will both be probably doing a lot of telecommuting so that we can be home with them. But let's be honest–they need to be outside of the home, too. I have seen too many children who never leave their parents, and they don't know how to act around other individuals. For that reason, I love our church's "Mommy's Day Out," where you take kids to church (usually 3 days per week, 8-noon) and they get some interaction with other children.
Also, there is a "stay-at-home mom" and there is a "stay-at-home wife". IMO, if your children are all at school (outside of the home; not applicable if you are homeschooling) and you're still not working, what are you doing? I know you can't be cleaning for 8 hours a day, and there is probably something you could be doing that would bring much more value to your family.
I appreciated this so much! Love your dedication to your babies. "The best place for babies is in the arms of their mothers" – what a great line. I too cringe at the thought of leaving my babies with anyone – even the church nursery! Daycare would kill me, I'm pretty sure.
After reading this, I realize how very blessed I am. I am a stay at home mom with 2 littles, and even though my husband's job isn't really well-paying (enlisted military), we manage just fine and are very comfortable. I need to be reminded just how blessed I am sometimes!
Anyway – thanks!
Ugh. I usually love reading your blog- but not today. There are so many things I'd like to say, but won't take the time. Everyone is different, every situation is different. Although you try and say you're not judging, this comes accross to me as judging. It's your blog, you can say what you wish- I guess I'll just choose not to read. Enjoy bonding with all your other readers that agree with you. I for one don't agree and won't read.
"The best place for babies is in the arms of their mothers"
I couldn't agree more. I was physically sick at the thought of leaving our child with someone else. Could not do it. Physically impossible.
This is a brilliant post. Making the choice to stay home does have a lot of sacrifices involved, but, oh, the benefits are immeasurable.
Thank you so much for posting this. It reinforced that there was no other option for my family. We're making it work.
Sarah 🙂
I had parents that both worked and I never once felt like I wasn't their priority. I will forever be grateful for their unselfishness to work the hours to provide us a safe neighborhood to live in and a quality school attend. No matter how you look at it the earning potential of some parents combined is at times barely enough to live above proverty level.
Wow, I'm going with Wow!!! Thank God we live in America and can Post our Opinions freely, But I'm going with who are we to judge! I say when your "lucky" or "blessed" accept it rather than being annoyed by it! If you stay home with your children & can afford to do so on one income, Right On. If you work b/c you have to or b/c you CHOOSE to, Right on to that too! Come on Ladies, lets live & love together rather than pointing the finger at one another!
I have been both…first a working mom, then SAHM, and now- back at work.
Unfortunately, when your husband is not on the same page as you…its alot harder to make those choices. Sometimes you marry a person with *discussed* expectations and shared goals and then that person changes or realizes that when the rubber hits the road to make those hard sacrifices they aren't as able/willing as they thought. (speaks the voice of experience)
I was "blessed" to take 4 1/2 years off at be at home. (And I say that, because I was "blessed" by the experience! Those are times/memories that I cherish) My oldest daughter was 9 months old (I worked from when she was 3 months on- seeing her everyday at lunch to nurse) when I quit. When I went back, she was in kindergarten and my youngest was 3 1/2.
Do I wish I was at home, even now with both in school? Absolutely
Was the "sacrifice" to my career/money/financial situation worth it? Absolutely
But having been on both sides of the fence, I *know* the challenges that both sides (WOHM/SAHM and any mixture thereof) face. Never is a situation as clear from the inside as it appears from the outside.
Do I ever tell anyone that they are "lucky" to stay home? Nope- that used to annoy me too.
What I say, when someone says they are a SAHM- is what a wonderful thing to do, or what a blessing to your children…I *try* to be as supportive as I can, although depending on the day- my comments might sound different to the ears of who hears them! 🙂
Now, my husband and I juggle as much as we can. I drop the kids off at school, he goes in early so that he can get off early to pick them up. Yes, they are in extended day for about an hour. YES- I HATE THAT!! But, like I said before…both have to be on the same page.
I am trying to get extra certifications/qualifications so that when they hit middle school, I can (hopefully) work from home. I want to be there…I pray about it, and I know somehow we will make it work.
Just please have grace when you look at the other side, is all I am saying
Rhonda
Ugh, Kelly, the "stay-at-home-wife" comment really bugged me! My grandmas and probably yours were all "stay-at-home wives". They cooked from scratch, they maybe gardened, they budgeted and shopped carefully, they were there to take care of grandchildren or other family members/friends/neighbors, they did all KINDS of things that added value to their marriage/family and to our society. I don't know that I'll be "just" a SAHW when my kids are grown, but my hubby and I are planning for that to be an option when he retires (he is 10 years older than me). We would like to enjoy our retirement together, and will find plenty to do–maybe for pay, maybe not. We do garden, can and preserve our food, walk or take the bus, and all kinds of things that take time and we enjoy. Working in the "outside world" isn't all it's cracked up to be.
There is a book coming out called Radical Homemaker and I can't wait to read it. I think it's what I'm all about!
P.S. For those who are struggling with money, I highly recommend Dave Ramsey's book Total Money Makeover. It is helping us out so much! (And is one of the reasons as a SAHM I've taken in a baby to care for and make some money.)
I second Val… I don't have enough time during my lunch break (Yes, yes, I'm a woman who tries to do it all… judge that!) but I will say this.
In reading your lovely and honest story, and the comments of very many posters, you may not be someone who judges, but it still comes across that way.
Since the Working Moms are being judged for really, truly, not sacrificing enough (after all – 90% of you lived in near-poverty for half of your adult lives to stay home with your children – so why can't the rest of us embrace and see that as a viable option if we really loved our children?) then there needs to be a little bit of judgment thrown out there about some readers. Despite the fact that so many of the readers were barely making mortgage payments, clipping coupons, living in 1-bedroom apartments, able to only feed their families 3-square meals, worried that they couldn't pay their credit card debt/student loans – all because their baby would never sit in the arms someone other than their Mama, I have to question the "choices" of some of these parents to continuously have more children in these barely-scraping-by moments. Sure, sometimes it just happens. But if my "choices" to work to provide insurance, a necessary-but-not-overabundance of food, shelter and yes – GASP – some enjoyment in the form of family vacations, toys and trips to the museum – then I'm taking the time to judge those mothers who opted instead to continue to struggle, worry about how they will pay for their mortgage, food, insurance, etc. if the man of the house lost his job.
You may see my "choice" as vaguely disgraceful, but I don't entirely see some of the readers choices as being very admirable either.
Amen! Our kids need their mothers more than they need money.
As always, a thought-provoking post! In response to a comment that wonders what a "stay-at-home wife" does….I'd like to say that I have four kids in school now and work at a small part-time job. But even if I didn't work, I easily fill my days with managing my home and meals, my kids' activities, running my mom to and from therapy, doctors, etc after a crushing ankle break, spending hours with my dying father, reading books, expanding my faith, planning family business, future plans, etc….conducting a knitting club at school, caring for kids of siblings who work,….learning, volunteering.
You made me cry, this is my life right now. I had a baby 10 months after the wedding and another one 1 1/2 years later. We are so poor I can't even afford to fly home and see my family. They have never even met my youngest son. But, we make it work. I love being home and if that means canning and making bread and having one car so be it. If that means we sell our house to move to an apartment that is cheaper, so be it. Thank you, I really needed a reminder of all that, and the courage you speak with is inspiring. I pray I too can be a witness for this way of life to others.
Thank you for this post. I feel badly that I am jealous of others who have it all, can stay home and still have money to throw around. We scrip and pinch like crazy, but I know it's worth it. A supportive spouse is HUGE, and sometimes I feel guiltly that he's working to pay off MY student loan. It's so nice to hear someone else who didn't have tons of money (ha!) to spare and still made this choice. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!
You inspire me!! When people say, "Oh you're so lucky you get to stay home." I just give them a 1,000 watt smile and say, "Well we've just made a choice right now to sacrifice the extras so we can pour into our babies while they're young." Its not a rude response, but it does make them check the heart that they had behind their remark 🙂 AND I want people to know that we did MAKE A CHOICE – it's not like we don't have other options – we just said no to them 🙂
I'm curious to know – do you really get a lot of backlash for these controversial posts? It always seems to me to be about 90/10, in your favor…but maybe there's more that we don't see? It's always fascinating to read the comments, but I still can't help to wonder why any of us feel like we need validation for our choices. We are all lucky to live in this country, where we have so many choices. We need to decide what's best for our families, and hold our heads high doing whatever that is. Oh, and let's support one another, while we're at it. Kids need positive, engaged, encouraging Mommies. My call, as usual, is to unite! All of us. 🙂
Excellent post!!! I so relate to this, ofcourse our lives are different buI relate to the part about making choices for your family..
We bought our crappy house last September 🙂 and we are happy with our little means(my husband works only)in our ctappy little house, my biys(7 &2) are happy, and taht's what matters to me.
I have heard the phrases as " Oh so lucky to stay at home" and even "pampered queen" from other working women, who don't even know my my situation but thinks that they can comment on my choice !! I feel insulted but when I look at my boys I know we made the right choice.
FPF: If you are asking what my policy is on erasing comments: If they have foul language, if they are so immature and nasty (calling me names) that I deem it pollution on my blog (which sometimes my older children read), and if a quote is attributed to me (with quotation marks) and it's NOT what I wrote.
That's it…what you see is what you get.
And I haven't erased one in this post so far.
Just thought I'd clarify.
I admire your honest and heart felt personal convictions. But I admire your candor and bravery in posting about such a "hot topic" even more.
While I have had different experiences, opportunities, and reasons for doing what works for our family. It was refreshing to hear that there is nearly always a choice. Those who are fortunate enough to realize there is (NEARLY) always a choice, seem to find peace in whatever choice they make. Thanks for that reminder.
I appreciate this post too. Just yesterday in the grocery store two mothers were talking about the one's decision to leave her baby and work, and they were trying to say how wonderful it is when a baby can learn to be away from their parents and become independent. Yuck. Really? Don't think so ladies. I get the sense usually that these moms want the "extras" and this is why they feel they must. But what do I know? I just know that I agree with you that mama belongs at home while the kids are home.
Amazing post to pour your thoughts out in such a way. Babies need their mommy, and no one else will do. I couldn't agree more.
Hi Sarah. I've been reading your blog for a few months and this is my first comment. Let me start by saying I love your blog. I don't always agree with what you have to say (particularly today), but I always find it interesting to read. You have a beautiful family and a beautiful home!
I am a SAHM and feel EXTREMELY "lucky" to be just that. It doesn't offend or annoy me at all when someone tells me I'm "lucky". I am. You mention the 'mom who drives up in her BMW to drop off her 6 week old' as an example of something you can't wrap your mind around. I totally agree with you about this particular scenario, but I think the majority of parents work out of necessity, not because they love their job too much to quit. And if not, that is their choice. Who are we to decide what's best for others? I have enough trouble trying to figure out what's best for me and my family.
You seem rather defensive about your choice to stay home with your children. You warned us to "watch out" about voicing our wishes to stay home with our babies and go against the trend of the last few decades. Maybe I'm missing something- I NEVER feel odd or judged in any way for my wish to stay home with my kids. Would you mind sharing what it is you're reading/seeing/hearing that makes you feel this way?
And one last point of view that you might not have considered. You (and I) "struggled" for a number of years while your husband completed his schooling. Struggling when there is a light at the end of the tunnel is very different, dare I say easier, than struggling without one. For some people that same struggle isn't a choice, it's a way of life. Voicing your disapproval only serves to throw salt on the wounds of those that would give anything to trade places with you.
I just think every parent should do what makes them happy (in terms of career/SAHM status). Happy parents will most likely create happy children. Our children need to be taught that our/their choices aren't necessarily the only choices, and that we do indeed need to support each other. It's the right thing to do.
I love these stay-at-home posts. the hubs and I are getting ready to start trying to start popping out the babies and i think i am the ONLY person i know that doesn't plan on throwing them into day care. I mean, why have babies if you put them in day care right away? I love the way you look at these things and have lived it. You're an inspiration! Thanks!
Sarah, thank you so much for your blog. I generally never take the time to read such a long post but I never want to miss yours because I usually feel like standing up and singing "God Bless America" afterward!!! You are so right on. I would have died before I would have left one of my helpless babies at a daycare. I am grateful that I married a man for whom this wasn't even a discussion – of course we would RAISE OUR OWN CHILDREN! We've got 3 great kids (14, 12, 10) to show for it!
This post is one reason I LOVE your blog!!! 🙂 I like that you say it like you see it and 95% of the time I agree with you.
I too scrimped, saved and sacrificed to stay home with my baby so it irritates me when people tell me I am "lucky". I do not consider myself "lucky" because I feel we made CHOICES to see that what we ultimately wanted (me at home with our baby) would happen. I do believe I am blessed that my husband supports me being home with our child. We both realize we could have bigger and better EVERYTHING (oh and CABLE!) if I worked full-time but it is more important to both of us for me to be home with our daughter.
Most of the Mom's that tell me I am "lucky" are driving nice cars, eating out, wearing nice clothes, taking their children to Disney, the Circus and buying the rotisserie chicken for supper. Miserly Mom was an excellent read for me as a young married woman so I could see that sometimes the expense (fuel, childcare, work clothes, eating out more due to exhaustion, dry cleaning, etc) of a Mom working is about the same as her staying home.
I did make the choice to work part-time 2 mornings a week because I have a wonderful MIL that offered to watch my baby but if it had been full-time or nothing, I would have eaten beans and rice to make that happen!
One thing I want to teach my daughter is that she will want the CHOICE (when she has her baby) as to whether or not she stays at home so if she can work to have herself in that situation, that is the best thing.
Yes, yes, YES!! Such a beautiful and heartfelt post!
~ Sarah
I'm making a second post now that I have had an opportunity to think for a moment.
I am a working mom (through a combination of need and choice). I do not feel the need to defend my choice to this group of readers, but I would like to embrace the notion that love it or hate it – we all need to encourage each other (SAHM or Working), who are doing the best they can (which I believe, are all the mothers – past, present and future – that are reading this blog).
I will agree somewhat that many of us, myself included, probably COULD trim the fat a little bit more if we really wanted to. And yes, I could sell my average-size-but-nothing-extravagant-house, which is full of groceries paid for with coupons using a shopping list, and cut out our annual vacation to the beach, where we drive (vs. fly), stay in a moderate-priced hotel and eat at a mix of "nice" restaurants with PB&J sandwiches on the beach. Sure, I could.
And I could stay home, wrought with worry over whether my husband's small salary (which is not expected to grow, and for which his industry is bound to go kaboom any minute now) will cover this month's mortgage payment, diapers, heat and doctors copayments. Perhaps some mothers can believe 100% that it all works out in the end (and yes, I believe it does) but I am not one of those women who can fall asleep despite the worry, the second my head hits the pillow. I am envious and jealous of those who can.
I believe in the power of the here-and-now, and that we will not get these moments with our children back. I do not deny that I would like to soak up every free second with them (and believe me, I try my hardest when I am home). But there are other things that I feel are important to me, my family and my children. It is important to me that we have some savings (again, not a brand-new-BMW fund… but a "how can we prevent our house from going into foreclosure if someone loses their job?" fund). It's important to me that we have the opportunity to put money into a 401(k) plan for retirement – as I do not want it to be my children's responsibility to provide for my husband and I in our older years.
Just like Stay at Home Moms find it insulting that Working Moms should say they are "lucky," I think that Working Moms find it insulting that SAHMs suggest the only reason we are working and not making the same choices THEY have made, are solely because we want big, fancy houses; brand new cars; vacations in the tropics and designer clothes. I don't think that is the case at all.
I think we have all met children from both sides of the fence – those who had a parent stay at home, and those who had working parents – and while you may find the occasional "trophy child" who is ignored and shuttled around, catching only brief glimpses of his parents before bedtime – I think most of us can say this is the rarity. Children from both families have proven to me to be resilient, well-adjusted, happy, playful children. Those with stay at home parents may gain certain qualities that working parent children can't experience – but likewise, I think there is a wealth of knowledge and values that are taught to a child whose parents work outside the home.
I just needed to say that- no one is right or wrong, but while it seems that most of the readers are stay at home parents – the responses felt overwhelmingly "Stay At Home is the only way!" and I wanted to say it's not. Thanks.
I love it. Staying home is by no means the easy way out. And I fully agree that the 'best place for a baby is the arms of it's mother.' You put into words what I've been thinking for 7 years (when my first was born).
It seems I am the odd mom out where we live because I stay home. I worked with my oldest and now regret that choice. Probably the only regret I have so far at 40. Most of my friends work and I find it so hard to relate sometimes especially when I see how tired and overwrought the children appear. And the mothers also get overdone…I am thankful my husband agrees that I should be with the children during the day, although its hard I would not trade it for a beautiful house, sparkly shoes, a new car, vacations etc.
I am new to commenting. But not at all new to this "debate". I've had it in my own head a million times.
I've done it both ways – sometimes it was a choice, and sometimes I had no option. I don't want to undervalue the role model I am for my daughter as she gets older and watches me balance working at home with working outside of the home.
While many do it for the wrong reasons, there are those of us that do it to provide security and indeed options for their children down the road (we can scrimp on groceries but college costs what it costs – and I'd rather she not be buried in loans as was I though I'll concede paying for ones own education is motivating). And if you can do it all and still drive a BMW, more power to you…
You know, it is easier to go to work. The house stays clean, the dishes don't pile up in the sink and you don't clean up millions of messes each day because you aren't there. I LOVE being able to say I "stay home" with my kiddos. I just KNOW it's the right thing for my 3 children and for my husband. We don't get to go out to eat or go for dates very often but I KNOW how my children are being treated and who is taking care of them because it's ME! I am also a homeschooling parent and that has a stigma attached to it also. I promise, we aren't all wierdos that make our own jumpers and grow our hair down our backs. Great post and thanks for saying what so many of us are too scared to put into print!
Thank you, Ally, I was beginning to think I was the only working mom who also enjoys this blog.
I honestly hate the SAHM vs. Working Mom stuff. Isn't being a mom challenging enough without right vs. wrong?
I have been on both sides of the fence by choice. For a year after my first was born, I tried being a SAHM. I wasn't happy and I missed the working part of my life! We didn't need the money, but my family needed me to be happy, so I went back to work part-time. I love my children dearly, but I'm a happier person when I also work. When I'm happier, I have more to offer my children emotionally.
I don't work full-time, but I have found a wonderful balance between work and home. I've also found fantastic childcare with wonderful women who treat my children with love and great care. Those women are also valuable in my children's lives.
Anyway, I do very much enjoy your blog and I respect your decision to stay home just as I respect a woman's decision to work.
Umm…Angie, I think you might want to rethink that first comment.
I have been both a SAHM and a WOHM, and NO- it is not easier to go to work. The house still has to be cleaned, its just usually after the kids go to bed, which I should be sleeping myself.
Seriously, people….
I really love your blog, but why are you constantly defending your choice to stay at home? I've never felt bad about working. It depresses me to think, Oh wow, I could quit, we could move into a much smaller house, the kids and I wouldn't be able to go anywhere or do anything because we would have no money. Forget the aquarium, zoo, pool, and definitely forget just about any type of vacation. Sorry kids, you'll have to take out a giant student loan when you get to college because I wanted to stay home so we can't help you. I want to provide for my kids in more ways than hugs and kisses all day long. They need health insurance, braces, sports equipment, and yes, it's fun to get things that they want and don't necessarily need sometimes. And I do want to help them pay for college and their car insurance when they start driving. We are busy but my husband and I are happy and most importantly our kids are happy.
Easier to work? Are you kidding? Just because everyone is at work/school/daycare/grandmas wherever during the day does not mean the house doesn't get messy ever. There is still plenty of messes, and laundry and bathrooms. Get real.
Such true, fair and honest words!
It's not easy to be a fish swimming against the current, but it only makes us stronger.
-Libby
AMEN! I'm a mommy to five, 8 years and under, we'll be married 10 years this year. We've spent the last few years barely making ends meet, and hubby is back in school. You are right IT IS A CHOICE. My kids would rather have me home than all the stuff I can buy them. I would rather be home than have my dream home and be gone all day. And you know what, where there is need there is creativity. Where there is need there is a God who amazes me. We don't have much, but we have more than enough, and I love my life. I love knowing my kids.
Ok, this may be the MOST awesome post I have ever read. I've been told countless times that "I'm so lucky to be able to stay home". Seriously, I've gotten to the point where I nearly go crazy when somebody says that to me, because we always had NOTHING. It's just a choice we made and we made it work. Now I have worked part-time on and off and mostly at places I could bring my kids, but my kids have always hated when I worked somewhere. Anyway, you don't need my life story, but I just wanted to say thank you. We are redoing our third home all by ourselves…everything. I can totally relate to your story.
Thank you.
-FringeGirl
You say you don't ask anyone to support you? I think you are misunderstanding the working mother asking for support. She probably means, quit berating me for being a working mother and give this debate a rest.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and mention something that may not be obvious to people. The term "Stay at home mom" – really listen to it. Sounds funny huh? There was no such term in the 60's, 70's or really even the 80's. Because that is what mom's did. They stayed home and raised their kids. Sure you had working moms, but they were "working moms". Now I see you feel the need to defend your position. My how the times have changed. I just don't get it, or even see what the big deal is. Some moms have to work, some want to, and others raise their kids full time. It is what it is. Glad you could make it work for your family.
Very well written and from the heart. I appreciate your honesty and can relate completely. I was "at-home" with my kids too. Fresh out of university, no "career" and student loans we had our first baby 15 1/2 years ago and 2 more after. We sacrificed fancy vacations, furniture and cars so I could be home to care for my 3 wonderful kids. I too created a home on a very strict budget. I am proud and don't regret it for a second. I now have 2 brilliant teenage daughters and a amazing 11 yr old son. I work as a teacher-on-call now but only accept jobs when it works for my family as they are always #1. I love being a mom!
I love reading your blog!
That was awesome!!!!
Great Post! I am glad to know there are other out there feeling the same way as me about staying home with my kids!
I wouldn't trade it for anything!
Thank you for writing this wonderful post!
Oh my gosh!!! I love you! Your blog has been so encouraging to me and I have truly enjoyed reading it. I'm totally with you on staying home with my babies. I would have an emotional break down if I had to leave them in the hands of a daycare. I have a hard enough time doing the babysitter so that my husband and I can go out. I too am so rubbed the wrong way when I see these mothers in the name brand suits and purses and high end cars dropping off their little tiny babies to go to work. I don't trust anyone with my children when they are babies (except of course my husband and our parents and that is hard too sometimes:) ) PLEASE keep writing mothering posts like you do and thank you!!
Out of all the blogs I read, your posts MAKE me comment the most. You speak to my heart. You say the things I want to say, you feel the things I feel but sometimes don't acknowledge.
I agree with all that you said, and I loved hearing your story. I have made the choice and the sacrifices to stay at home with my kids. I once had someone tell me that I was "lucky" I didn't HAVE to work. She didn't have that luxury. I wanted to scream, " You live in a 4000 sq. ft house, go on tropical vacations and drive a new Range Rover! I live in 1700 sq. ft, haven't gone in a real vacation in 5 years and drive a 7 year old car!" I am not lucky. I have just made different choices.
And then instead of yelling I look around at my kids doing homework after school and hanging out with me and I think, I AM the lucky one. I feel sorry for those who make any other choice but to be with their children while they can. It goes by waaay too fast!
Thanks for sharing. As usual!
my son has been going to daycare since he was 10 weeks old. 15 months later he has evolved into quite the character. (and some of that credit goes to the socialization and interaction w/the older kids in daycare).
Do I wish i didn't have to pay for daycare every week? Of course. Do I wish my husband and I could survive and thrive on 1 salary? Absolutely (who doesn't)
It's not about us vs. them. We all need to quit the "i dont judge" facade and just BE moms. A gift of epic proportions that not all women are fortunate enough to experience.
Let's unite ladies! (and quit the bullshite…)
Interesting post, and obviously a hot button for many moms.
I truly believe the best option is for one parent to stay home with their children, and think if both parents are on board and it is financially viable it is the best choice. However, we all know life is not that black and white and lots of variables factor in… while many stated that they chose to live in bad houses and drive bad cars, if affordable housing is only available in dangerous neighborhoods, is that really a better choice?
I love these posts, because the last one about parenting made me sad, regretting that I have not been able to stay home full time, but has caused me to really think the last few days, and ultimately has reminded me of why we made the choices we have, and how very thankful I am for the life we have made.
Perfect? No. Would I like to change some things? Yes. That's life, that doesn't make it bad. Just life.
I have never felt that I need to justify our choices to anyone outside the four walls of our home, and I wish every mother could feel the same peace. While I certainly have an opinion about others choices, I would never voice it, nor would I expect them to care what I think:-)
(However, I have a strong opinion about Angie's comments "working is easier than staying home."
I hope you are kidding! Being a Mom is never easy, and I think it is never productive to be so condescending to other moms, even if you personally have made different choices.)
Thanks for sharing your heart Sarah. A passion for children is never wrong, and your children are blessed to be so loved.
No, no! I wasn't asking about deleting comments. I hadn't even thought about it. (I never considered that you might delete comments, though your reasons make sense…) I was just asking if you have instances outside of this blog where your choice is under attack? Just nosy/curious – that's all!
Just agree to disagree. Some of these comments are just down right nasty. Sarah is not putting down the working mom! This is her decision, her choice and her life. She is NOT telling any of you to not work, furnish trips to the zoo, museum etc. Please, WORK!!!! Just stop being so darn mean about it and making threats to not read Sarah's blog and all that jazz. There are women who need to work, have to work and want to work. Just like there are women who need to stay home, have to stay home and want to stay home. She is one of the women, who now chooses to stay home. If you read her post, she is saying she gets that opportunity. Good for you, Sarah. She is not bashing the women who work. Seems like there are some very sensitive readers who happen to be the working moms. To the offended readers, GET OVER IT!!!!
Tami
Sarah~
I loved reading your story and I'm so thankful you tell it how *you* see it. Isn't that what a blog is supposed to be for?
Anyway, we made the choice 10 years ago that I would stay home and asked God to help us figure how on Earth it would work out, and HE has. We cleaned schools at night, my husband tutored, we were managers of our apartment building, we drove one car, our pantry was bare bones, we fixed up our houses and sold them for a profit, shopped at yard sales, I started my blog, and it has worked out because we made the decision, God opened some windows, and we climbed in and WORKED our tails off.
I wouldn't take one day back though because *I* am here day in and day out through the good, bad, and ugly. The one who can love them as no one else can.
I believe that we all will get what we are *truly* seeking in life: if it's a huge house with nice cars, we'll get it. If it's raising well balanced, well mannered, confident children, we will get it. (And YES absolutely, I believe mothers working outside of the home can have children like this) Because that's where our energy will go…
Jackie-O said it best: "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much."
Hello, blog post of my own, but don't you just love the word bungle?? 🙂 Love ya~
When my husband and I were on our honeymoon eleven years ago, we met a doctor and his wife who were there on a business trip for his work. They had three children and she stayed at home caring for them. And I told her "Oh, you're so lucky! I hope one day I'll be lucky enough to do the same thing!" And I have bitten my tongue about it ever since. Because I knew in my heart (and now I know with my experience) that LUCK has nothing to do with it. Hard work and tough choices did. How I wish I could go back and apologize to her!
For the person who wanted more information about SAHMs being judged, I've got one for you!
A Harvard grad with her two "obligatory children" (her own words) who told our mutual friend "What must be lacking in her life, what hole must she have in her sense of self worth, that she thinks pushing baby after baby out into this world will fix? It's really just disgusting what she's doing." (at the time I had just given birth to my third).
Frankly, this is the reason I deliberatly refrain from judging the parenting choices of others – because I never want to say or feel something this wretched about another human being, let alone another mama doing her best.
And in my heart I don't for a second think Sarah would either. I'm sorry some have felt too defensive to see your feelings for what they are Sarah; personal, deeply held convictions about your own journey as a mother, and the lens of personal experience through which you see the world.
I find such inspiration peeking through that lens, Sarah – thank you for sharing it with us all.
I loved reading this!
I have a sister-in-law who constantly tells me how "lucky" I am that my husband "lets" me stay home. She's an RN who works 12 hour shifts. Her husband and my husband have the exact same job, and make the exact same amount of money. But they have three car notes. And two boats. And two ATVs. And they just bought 10 acres of land, on which they're building a 6,000 square foot house.
Now, if they were living below the poverty line and she had to work to feed her kids, I'd totally support her decision to work. Or if she just came out and said, "I like working, and I like the things that my money allows us to buy" – I might not agree with her decision, but I could respect it. But DO NOT complain to me about "having to work" and tell me how "lucky" I am, while you shell out over $5,000 a month on bills for things you don't really need. Especially while I sit in my tiny house, with my ancient car, in my secondhand clothes.
It's not always about luck. Not at all.
Oh my, you summed up my feelings right there! Amen, sista!
Love it! Thanks for posting.
You are a wise woman Sarah—and you've made good choices and worked hard–and you're terribly funny. Where you are at has nothing to do with luck. No not at all. You are where you are because of God's grace. All is grace. Believe me when I say I am messed up, flawed, and ugly at times but I have the most loving, tender-hearted, gentle, funny, selfless 8 year old son. Why? God's grace. We'll see how the other three turn out!
I have to comment about those student loans. They doom you from the get go and are unnecessary. My parents contributed $0, $0 scholarship (I'm not that smart), and I graduated from both Bachelor and Masters with $0 in loans. Sheer hard work and living how only a student can and should live like. It prepared me well for one-income family living.
Thank you for this post! I completely agree. I am a 21 year old mommy to my blond curly haired daughter who's almost 2. My husband is who makes it possible for us. For example- he was at school (predental undergrad) from 9am-5pm today, and then he worked at his "part time job" at a dental lab from 7pm-…still gone and it's 1am. That is his schedule MWF. Tomorrow he will work at his full time job which is TThS from 8am-7pm. It's not just luck that allows me to stay home, it's sacrifice. Where there is a will there is a way and I'm not leaving this home for work any time soon.
I have been called a "kept woman" (by friends, no less) because one day I was talking about my garage sale trip that day and the bargains I'd found. Shoes for myself for $1, a shelf for the basement for $5, etc. And they called me a "kept woman" because I had time to go garage sale-ing! Um, yeah, not very "well kept" if I don't buy shoes for myself unless they're 1 dollar at a garage sale! We have lived, in the last ten years, on anywhere from 20k/year to 50k/year currently and it has been a struggle, but it's worth it. I stay home b/c my mom didn't and I didn't need all the "stuff" and vacations and designer clothes and "fancy" suburban house, I desperately needed my mom. But that's just me!
Sarah, I don't mind the variety of comments but I wish you wouldn't allow anonymous comments b/c I think people can spew more venom when it's anonymous, and we don't need that.
I think that Stay At Home Moms will still be called "lucky" and "blessed" so long as they keep accusing Working Moms of working solely to afford a lifestyle of "fancy" suburban houses,go on tropical vacations and drive new Range Rovers.
I'm pretty sure if you took a peek into the life of many Working Moms, you'd see that working doesn't typically afford many of us the lavish lifestyle you seem to think we lead.
And in response to someone's comment way above -as a Working Mom, I take no offense to Sarah's post. She clearly fends off the earlier accusations that not everyone's life is as charmed as hers, and that she worked to get where she is. I take more offense to most of the commenters, who sniffle over not getting the recognition and respect they deserve as Stay At Home Moms, but are quick to attack the decisions of others – suggesting only that most women who work are doing it for sparkly shoes, luxurious cars and the need to have more toys than everyone else.
Until you start respecting everyone's decisions, I have little respect for you.
Notice that the Working Mother's posts do not criticize ANY of the Stay At Home Moms for making that decision… but I hear an awful lot of Stay at Home Moms with holier than thou attitudes.
For 7 years, my husband and I have been sacrificing in order for one of us to stay home with our kids. In my case, it is my husband who stays at home. We decided this. It is a personal choice and I dont judge others that make other choices. I had the better opportunity so I have been the one working. It has been so hard to leave my kids even though I was leaving them with my husband. All of it though has been so worth the sacrifices. We have stayed in the same "starter" home, with 10 year old cars that have 100,000 miles +, no fancy cable, etc.etc.etc.! It has been absolutely amazing to watch my girls thrive and fall so in love with their father. Things run a little different in our household since it is manrun instead of by a woman. The girls are strong and have lots of fun. I spend all of my time outside of work with them trying to make up for lost time but all the while knowing that they are doing great. I am now expecting our third child. My husband and I are hoping to switch after this one is born. We are working and praying for this switch to happen. I only hope that we are all able to be happy and thrive while switching. We know we are going to take a hit paywise since he hasnt worked in 7 years but we are willing to do it since we think it is the best choice for our family.
I love your blog. We connect on so many issues!
-Wendy
Wow, you get a lot of comments! I'm going to add to the frenzy. Thanks for sharing your personal moments and thoughts with us strangers. It's great to know other mother's out there are experiencing similar things. One thing I can't figure out though is how you found the time to do all of that house work! I know you're not a "plop them in front of the TV for hours" kind of mom, but how did you get it all done?! I have just two kids (2 and 4yrs) and can barely manage to stay on top of regular house work, let alone special projects and decorating and floor refinishing! I'm exahusted just reading about it all. Good job holding yourself and your family together through it all.
I feel that I have the best of both worlds. I work two days a week as a nurse. My children love going to "school" and I get to help others, bring in some income and maintain my skills as a nurse. I don't feel at all guilty for my choice. I too love my children very much but in order for me to feel whole, I must also continue my profession….but only for two days a week.
Sarah,
I love your blog so much for the honesty you put into your writing and for the gumption you have to speak about topics most of us don't have the courage to write about.
Your like the older sister I never had, like you've already taken many of the steps I'm just now starting to experience. Your story solidifies all of my decisions and makes me so proud of the steps I am taking to bring my family together on my own terms.
Next week marks the anniversary of my decision to stay home with my kids –> My Mushed Up Heart just couldn't find any other way.
I haven't shared much of my personal story online yet but each time I read your posts it pushes me a little further into opening up and sharing my journey.
In other words … Thank You … once again
I completely agree . . . as usual. 🙂
I telecommute to be with my babies every day. Is it hard? Definitely. Do we have to have me work to make the rent and pay the bills? Yes. Did I "luck" out that I happened to work for a company that valued me enough to let me telecommute when I had my first baby? Probably.
The thing is, my husband and I were solid on me staying home no matter what before the option to do so while working came up. I had an opportunity to get promoted, make more money than my husband, and get some great benefits. Instead I took the telecommuting position with less pay and no extra benefits because when it comes right down to it, I won't regret being my children's mother. I won't regret being there for all the ins and outs of daily life. My mom was there for my sisters and I growing up and I think it was the best situation we could have had.
Besides. Money is just money. It doesn't last and it's not what life is about.
I reside in India & am a regular follower of your blog. After reading through your post & comments, I observed that ALL Women think likewise…as a women, we love our kids…n they always are on top of our respective priorities. I think we all should appreciate each & every one for being so loving & sincere to our kids & families. Working or stay at home are only choices that are dependent on situations & phases of life. All that matters at the end of the day is Love for our family
I certainly identify with what you're saying. I was home with my first two boys. I started to work when they entered school.
We lost our oldest son 4 years ago and have a now 13 y/o son. We decided to have another child, a sibling for our now-only son and a joy to our lives. BUT….
We thought we were done having children and because I was working we bought more which = more payments. Now I really DON'T have a choice. I have to go back to work Monday and leave my 7 week old son behind every day. I'm not going to work to have a Mercedes or a big, gorgeous home. I'm going to work to keep what we already have and none of it is fancy.
It's killing me and if there was any other option, I'd take it in a second. But in today's world, we simply would not make it. I do get my summers off, so that helps me a bit, and I'm done at 2:30 in the afternoon so I'm home early.
I think that staying home 10 years ago was easier than it is today due to our economy and high taxes, etc.
Even though I'm working, I will still be the very best mother to my new son. Just as good of a mother as you are to your children being at home. I did consider myself "lucky" to have been home with my other two sons. Now I consider myself extremely blessed with another beautiful new son, and we'll make the best of the situation we have. In the end, he will be a very loved, healthy boy and that's all that matters.
Excellent post Sarah…and brave, too. 🙂 You said what I think so many SAHMs feel, but are afraid to say. For many of us, the decision to SAH meant a tremendous sacrifice. Our income was cut by 2/3 when I left the workplace to be at home with my first born. We lived in a tiny townhouse, drove old cars, had yard sale furniture (not knocking it because I LOVE yard sales!)…not exactly the lifestyle I envisioned for myself when I was in college fantasizing about the high-paying career I would have and the big lifestyle that would follow. But, God had other plans for me. We felt strongly that He wanted me at home to raise our children. We would make any sacrifices necessary to make it work. Some of the sacrifices have been tremendous, and so have some of the rewards. Many years later, we have reached a point where life is quite comfortable, probably even more so than the lifestyle I envisioned as that young career gal straight out of college with big dreams. But I would go back to the tiny townhouse, the old cars and yard sale furniture in a new york minute if that's what it took to keep me at home.
I'm always interested by the fact that so many stay at home moms claim that their husband is 100% behind this idea. Is it really true? Whereas I think we could afford for me to stay home, my husband does not respect stay at home moms. Plain and simple. I could appeal to the logic side of him and convince him to agree to it, but deep down he just cannot change that inherent side of him. I know this to be true. He does not value the care of a mother over the care of daycare – they are absolutely equivalent in his mind. I cannot believe he is the only man that feels this way, is anyone out there fooling themselves when they say "we made this decision?"
It is my reality to consider this in my work or not work self-conversation. Right or wrong it is the way it is. So sometimes, it's not the money, or supporting the BMW, or the fancy house – it's the total lack of spousal support. The fact that unless you want to end a marriage, you have to work with the belief systems of someone outside of you. I don't know the answer, but when I tell a stay at home she's lucky – it's not about the money at all.
I disagree. You can't judge the working mom because she made a different choice than you! Just becuase a parent stays at home does not mean he or she is GOOD at it! It may be better in the long run for that family for the parents to work. And having many friends who are daycare providers and teachers who are GOOD at that role means that there are people out there whose love and care may be more beneficial to the child than a parent who is not excelling in that role. Being a parent is a job some people are not as successful in as others. Everyone is not good at everything, even parenting, which you might not know beforehand.
I think a working mom can be just as good of a mother as a stay-at-home mom. My mom stayed home until my siblings and I were all in school- and it didn't matter- my parents' divorce and subsequent decisions overruled the benefits of when she was at home. In fact, I don't even remember her being at home. What I remember is a mother who worked very hard outside of the home as a nurse to be sure we would "make it" when the child support payments didn't arrive. She taught me respect, professional ethics, work ethics, and that life decisions are HARD. She taught us that to "keep a house" meant working together- learning how to do the laundry, cook, and clean at a very young age. In fact, I was the one teaching my friends those very skills in college because their stay-at-home mothers had always done everything for them and they didn't know how to live on their own. (clearly not everyone does that, but it was amazing to see the downside of that).
Fast forward to today. I am a happily married business consultant, choosing not to have kids- because my career is a passion for me. My husband and I chose this pre-marraige- neither of us is cut out for that role. If I did have kids- I'd have to keep my career. Why? Because it makes me the strong woman I am today. It's a key part of my identity that if I "gave up" for someone else I would be resentful and it would impact the kids. So yes, you are "lucky" in a sense- because you have a role that you excel in. Not everyone can, so please don't judge them for their skills being in a different area. For that I support my friends who work outside the home because for them I can see it's making them a BETTER parent, living a fulfilled and productive life.
I have so much to say, I dont even know where to start. I'd love to be able to read all the comments to this beautiful post. Thank u so much for putting ur thoughts on this subject out there. I feel that so few of us SAHMs do. I myself am a SAHM as well as an attorney. When i was working overtime during my pregnancy, I had such tension realizing that life in a firm was NOT conducive to having a family and making them ur priority – how to even juggle them both without something being sacrificed. Choices had to be made and I knew it. I was the odd one out of everyoneeee i knew to even consider being at home????? with my baby. Altho in my heart I knew I had to be home with my child, I mentally struggled with my decision after years of schooling, hard work, hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans etc. It's hard to justify. It's hard to see hte pressure be put on ur spouse to provide and pay for ur decision (literally) altho ur both benefitting tenfold from ur child getting mama's time, love and devotion 150%. Yet, I still feel torn between my heart and head and feel like I constantly need the encouragement to believe I'm doing the right thing for my baby. I always seem to question myself – is this making a difference? would he have turned out the same way, with the same love, compassion etc if he was watched by a nanny or daycare? I wish we as women trusted our own instincts more instead of questioning so much based on society's expectations and demands of us. I'm still home with him and am about 7 months pregnant with my second child – another boy on the way 🙂 My son is a complete and utter joy – I have been able to witness every milestone, giggle, smile, roll, crawl, step, word he has had up to date and to me – that is so much more worth any job, career advancement or income can provide. It's still hard. I'm constantly re-evaluating and taking it a day at a time but still going for what feels right. This is such a temporary time in my babies' lives that I will never ever get back and if I made the opposite decision – I could and would have thought what if i stayed home after years or may have regretted not doing so. I came to ur blog via Centsational Girl looking for interior decorating advice and DIY projects b/c we are buying a new fixer upper house that we want to redo ourselves since my husband's job changed and instead of diving into design posts, i was lucky enough to land on your page here re your thoughts on staying at home. I believe it was meant to be for me to read this as I don't believe in coincidences in life. Thank you again. Your words provide such comfort and a renewed strength. xoxo
wow! this is so good. I too have walked a similar road, knowing that I would never regret having MORE time with my children. I also hear a lot "you're so lucky." ha! It is definitely a CHOICE. And yes, I am so blessed to have a husband that is 100% supportive. That is true. But money-wise, I am not lucky. It's just God. On paper we should not be able to function with the ammount of money my husband makes working at a bank, but somehow we do. I have worked from home and babysat and done all sorts of different things to make it work. And done a lot of praying. And it has been so fun to see God take care of us. I think a big part of it is letting go of what our society deems important. . . . all this "stuff" that you can't take with you when you die anyway. I'd give up any extras to be the one to raise my children.
Thanks for writing this. 🙂
Wow. This should not be a topic even up for debate as it is far too personal and individual. All of us have spent our lives making choices, some good, some bad, but all our own to get where we are today. You absolutely CANNOT tell someone else (a stranger at that) that they have made the wrong choice where their children are concerned. We have all done the best with our lives and whether we have come to this point by our own making or by dealing with what we are given is too personal. It is akin to one's choice whether to breastfeed or become a vegetarian. Not up for debate. My choice is mine and yours is yours and both are right for different reasons. Let's keep all negative comments to ourselves until we have walked in each other's shoes. Seriously.
Sorry Sarah, I should clarify that my above comment was more geared toward the other comments than to the content of your blog post. Good for you in sticking to your decision and making it work. Take care, Becki
My story is very similar to yours, and i've always gotten a little steamed when people made the "you're lucky you CAN stay home" statement to me as well. We made tough choices and sacrifices so I could stay home with my first honeymoon pregnancy baby as you did and later, too. We still do, although our older kids are 26, 25 and youngest is 13. We are no where near financially stable, and I still would like to work, but I know my 13 year old needs me more now in her teen years than before. I'm sick of "friends" who still ask me each time they see me if i'm working yet? If i let loose and really told them what i thought of that question, it wouldn't be good, so i don't. Good job saying what many of us feel in a diplomatic fashion. I know your parents and in-laws must be very proud of you. And you're right. People who drive BMW and say "well, i HAVE to work" are lying to themselves and to us also. To be lied to like that is offensive. Stick it out, girl. Someday it'll be easier, and every day it's worth it!
P.S. It always surprises me when working mom's say: "well, you can't judge my choices" but the first thing they do is judge our choices to be sahm's. Does the "no judging" rule only go their way? Not so fast, career woman. When you're bragging about your amazing career, new house, car and expensive vacations at high school or college re-union's, you want us to judge that you're a together , ambitous, charmed gal on her way to the top. But that's the only judgement we're supposed to make? Hmmm. So, it's okay to judge those who choose career, as long as we're judging that they're wonderful. It's just, we shouldn't judge that there was another choice they could have made.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I agree with you. My parents were divorced and my mom "had" to work. For most of the middle and upper middle class women I know, they CHOOSE to work (for travel sports, 2 fancy cars, a big house, nice vacations and I could go on and on) which is fine for them. I just can't stand when they say how "lucky" I am to be at home for my family. My husband and I share one car, don't have a credit card, go camping for vacation and try to live within our means. I have CHOSEN this for my family because I grew up with a mom that "had" to work because of my parents divorce. I ALWAYS wished my mom was home after school for my sister and I. I know me being home and taking care of my daughter and husband and our home is what is best for my family but in no way does luck have a thing to do with it.
Great post. I enjoyed it.
Patti Hill
Livonia, Michigan
Thanks for this, Rose made me read the post and, I must say it was a kick in the bottom. You guys give a lot of hope to guys that are a decade behind you and hoping things work out while following your heart. M. Nickles
Ps. not really anonymous just don't know how to work a computer very well
I love this post!! I'm new to your blog and absolutely love how you write. Plus you've finally given me something to say to my friends who say I'm so "lucky" so be at home. You're absolutely right; there were a lot of sacrafices and tough choices to get us to this point, and God blessed us as we made those choices. I just didn't know how to respond before to their comments. Thanks!!
I have never commented but followed and LOVED your blog for a long. I can see both sides of the situation and I take neither….great MOM'S in general ROCK!!! They also sacrifice a lot for their children no matter if the work or stay home. I am a teacher I work and I stay at home during the summer.
Before my son was born I thought I would put him in daycare. Well…. When he came into the world, and we went to visit many different daycare facilities I decided I could NOT do it. There had to be a way. It wasn't that I didn't think someone else couldn't do a good job, but more that it wasn't how I would do it. So, my husband decided to work second shift and I first. I go, he stays, I come he goes… The weekends are family time. I can't say that would be the best for everyone, because not all people have a significant other to rely on. One of us is always with him. He adores one on one time with Mommy or Daddy.
Being in the education industry I see both sides and the product. There are good and bad parents no matter what you do.
I was raised by a single mom who had no choice. She is a wonderful mother who raised a wonderful child (me).
I think parenting in general takes a good parent if you are single, or good parents if you have a spouse.
MOM'S you are awesome, our job is endless and fulfilling all at the same time. Good job no matter what you do.
Sarah great post no matter what. You pour your heart out, and I take no offense. I am a great mom and so are you! Way to go!!! =)
Sarah, I really like reading your blog, but I felt compelled to comment because I have been thinking about this post for a while. I am a working mama, and YES, I wish I was home with my children. It really hurts to be away, BUT I have no choice. We live in a pretty depressed area, and my hubby, with a degree and experience, has not been able to get a job that would allow me to stay home (even living frugally). We already live frugally, and I am not dropping off my kids in my BMW, but in my $5000 mini-van. So, you see, please don't judge working moms because we aren't all what you think. Yes, I felt a little judged after this post. I was mad, this is such a sensitive topic for many moms, I wish you hadn't made working moms out to be so bad. Another poster mentioned about the light at the end of the tunnel…your hubby in law school…if we had that light, I'd be quitting my job tomorrow and living on top ramen for a year. But I don't have that guarantee. This is what I have to do. Anyway, I felt compelled to write to you to let you know how I felt.