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Home ยป Blog ยป What NOT to Regret-A Life Lesson

What NOT to Regret-A Life Lesson

by Sarah Turner Clover Lane, Mothering

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I remember, after I had 3 children, I needed to do some soul-searching and life-changing. Out of necessity, I had grown a hobby into a business. I was still at home all week, but I would fit “work” into times when my husband was home…on a week night or a weekend. It was a lucrative business, and it helped so much during the years when we needed it to. (I did faux painting and murals for interior designers and clients.) I worked hard at both jobs…being at home and painting…taking care of my kids and my clients. I often did samples at nap time, returned phone calls when kids were busy, and met with decorators in the hour or two I would employ a sitter.

It seemed like the dream job because it allowed me to do both things, stay at home and make great money. But the truth was, when my 3rd child came along, I was running myself ragged. Stretching myself thin, trying to do to much. My heart was in one place, my mind in another. It was nice to not have to budget so much, to have extra money for “things”, but after awhile I began to realize that I was sacrificing my state of mind and more than ever, my family, my little ones, needed me to have their full attention.

I think when we mothers try to do too much something or someone pays the price. Sometimes it’s the kids, sometimes it’s the marriage, sometimes it’s us. In this case, it was me.

I remember older ladies stopping me in the grocery store and admiring my children and saying,

“Those were the best days of my life.”

or

“What I would do to have those days back.”

or

“It goes so fast. It’s gone in a blink of an eye.”

I felt at the time, this general malaise in my heart.

I did some soul searching and talked (and probably cried) with Jeff and made the decision that if I would regret anything in life, it would NOT be spending these precious days of raising my children without a feeling of peace. I want to know, when I am that old lady in the supermarket that I spend quiet days, loving and having fun, and learning and NOT missing the small moments. I did not ever, ever want to have regrets. I don’t think I could live with myself.

I quit. I was proud of the business I grew, but it had served it’s purpose and I let it go without a look back. Things were tight again, but I was OK with it. Because the peace in my heart was worth more than anything.

I have
found one of the best ways to examine the course of my life is to ask myself,
“Will I regret this?” I picture myself in a rocking chair on a front
porch, watching my grandchildren, or great grandchildren play on the lawn. Will
I look back with peace in my heart? Will I say,”I wish I would have slowed
down and savored every moment?” It’s not really a fun thing to do, but it
always enables me to spit out the right answer.  It enables me to stay focused, run against the
grain of the times, and enjoy the small moments. It reminds me to stay strong
and centered about what I want to believe…that simply raising my children,
being a mother and a wife, is enough, when everything we read and hear and see
is sending me the opposite message.  It
helps me establish priorities and to say yes to the things that really count in
the end.

Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you. ~John De Paola

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September 21, 2009 ยท 52 Comments

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Comments

  1. Emily@remodeling this life says

    September 21, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Beautiful reminder. I love the new pic of you on the sidebar.

    Reply
  2. Laurel @ Ducks in a Row says

    September 21, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Love the way your mind works! You just seem to say so eloquently what I think and feel. Thank you

    Reply
  3. LeighSabey says

    September 21, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    What a wonderful perspective. We don't hear this message enough these days.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous says

    September 21, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    I have just started reading your blog (stumbled on it from Meg Duerksen's blog)…and I love it. I am a stay at home mom of two girls, a three year old and a five month old. Lately I have been unsettled about my role and not having a "side job" to contribute to our family's funds. My husband works hard at a business he started with four partners, but things have been very tight lately. I am the only wife/mom of the group of five families in the business that does not have a paying job, and sometimes I feel very bad about that and think about going back to teaching or at least subsitute teaching. My husband has been very supportive and reminds me that then I would not truly be "staying home" with our girls. He knows me well enough to know that I do not want to look back and have missed this time with them. Anyway, this post really hit home for me and has given me more peace about the situation. Thank you!! (I think I will bookmark it as a reminder later, too!) ~Meaghan

    Reply
  5. Katherine Marie! says

    September 21, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Absolutely love your thoughts here… so very very true. I really needed this reminder!! Thank you.

    Reply
  6. elisa says

    September 21, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    This is something that I have struggled with a lot. And made a lot of changes to try to to balance it all.

    In the end I have found that I do my best when I am mom, and anything else is extra. I delegate and go with the flow. Business is not what it once was, and I am ok with that.

    Reply
  7. TAFTY5 says

    September 21, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    I too have felt that tug and am so glad I made the choice to stay home with my children.
    Is it a sacrifice? YES! Is it worth it? YOU BET!
    I love your blog and love coming to it for a little reminder of what's most important in my life!
    Have a good week!

    Reply
  8. Heather says

    September 21, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    What a cute little face! My kids love playing at the kitchen sink, too. Thanks for reminding me of what's important in life.

    Reply
  9. Jessi says

    September 21, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    You have such a great perspective. Thanks for helping us remember why we do what we do.

    Reply
  10. Kelsee says

    September 21, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Once again. Telepathic! I have been doing a home business for a year now and my renewal is due at the end of next month. As I haven't been very successful in it, even though its great money when I do have a party, its getting those parties that are hard. I don't have the time the business needs to make it successful have 2 very little ones. I have been going back and forth on if I am going to continue. I just love your blog and it gives such great advice for me and my hectic world. Thank you again! -Kelsee

    Reply
  11. Unknown says

    September 21, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    My children are grown with children of their own now. I wish I'd read this when they were young. Most of the time I just felt like I was treading water trying to stay afloat. I wonder if I would have heeded the advice to enjoy those precious years that flew by all too fast. I try to impart this to my daughters and hope they learn from my regrets.

    Reply
  12. Cheryl @ a pretty cool life. says

    September 21, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    This is another beautiful post. Too bad we don't hear more of it.

    No one can give 100% to everything, and these days will be over in a blink of an eye. The little details can always wait until later.

    Reply
  13. starnes family says

    September 21, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    Such a beautifully written post. You sum up my ideas of motherhood very well. Thank you for letting us glimpse into your life.

    Reply
  14. Stephanie says

    September 21, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    I so deeply agree with everything you just said. I have blogged about this a few times over the past months. Just slow down, enjoy it all, because it goes by so quickly. Enjoy the moment. Live in the present. Take it all in.
    I try to remind myself of this each day. It is so strong in my heart right now. Thank you for putting it into words.

    Reply
  15. chrisandtif says

    September 21, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    Thank you! I needed to hear this today.

    Reply
  16. Gretchen says

    September 21, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    Exactly what I have been thinking this week. Thank you for posting. And for being totally honest.

    Reply
  17. Colleen says

    September 21, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    I think your post is a sort of "sign" for me right now.

    I am really struggling with studying for the CPA Exam now. I just can't seem to find the time, I am so stressed about it, and my family is suffering.

    I think I need to just put it off for now and savor my family and children while I can ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
  18. Trish says

    September 21, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Great reminder! Why is it that it feels like the days are long, but the years are short?

    Reply
  19. Kelli @ Our Growing Family says

    September 21, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    Thank you for that! There are times when I feel guilty. I feel like if I worked and didn't stay home with our kids, we could have nicer things without the stress of money. However, I know that wouldn't be the case. If it's not the stress of money, it would be the stress of work and not raising our children like I want them to be raised. Me staying home while my husband works long hours, won't be forever. Like you mentioned, when we are old in rocking chairs on the front porch we will be happy with the children we raised. We won't remember the nice outfit we had to say no to.

    Reply
  20. Tricia says

    September 21, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    Beautifully written. I think I needed this today. Thank you, Sarah.

    XO*Tricia

    Reply
  21. sarah says

    September 22, 2009 at 12:45 am

    I came accross your blog just a few days ago(via The Nester) and it has been a gift. I have just had my third son and have recently struggled with remaining at home, embracing the infant stages again, and finding peace with who I am right now. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I am taking them to heart.

    Reply
  22. Alyssa says

    September 22, 2009 at 1:07 am

    I just made a similar decision as you…it meant less money in our pockets and we will be cutting back on EVERYTHING…but the payoff is me getting to be mom more hours in the day and enjoy my childrens lives!
    Congratulations to you…

    Alyssa
    lifeoflyssie.com

    Reply
  23. Amanda @ Serenity Now says

    September 22, 2009 at 1:38 am

    Thank you for these words today. ๐Ÿ™‚ I often hear those little old ladies telling me to appreciate my stage and far too much I internally roll my eyes and think, "Yeah right." I do know this stage is going to go by so quickly, and I want to enjoy it. I guess I needed an attitude adjustment today. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
  24. Monica says

    September 22, 2009 at 3:52 am

    thank you so much! Your blog is always a treat to read and today was especially touching.

    Reply
  25. btsoi. says

    September 22, 2009 at 4:32 am

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this beautiful post. That's exactly what I needed to be reminded just about now.

    Reply
  26. lindley says

    September 22, 2009 at 4:57 am

    So refreshing–as always! Thank you!

    Reply
  27. Linda@Coastal Charm says

    September 22, 2009 at 5:14 am

    You did the right thing…they do grow up very fast…I know…mine are both adults now…22 and 19! I gave up my career to stay home with my girls and I don't regret it at all! Come over for a visit if you have the time, thanks.

    Blessings,
    Linda

    Reply
  28. kami @ nobiggie.net says

    September 22, 2009 at 5:39 am

    I love this post. I was thinking something similar the other day and now I can ask myself the question…Will I regret this? Thanks Sarah.

    Reply
  29. Erin says

    September 22, 2009 at 6:29 am

    Another perfect post Sarah! And can I just say that those pictures of your little helper are DARLING. He is too cute.

    I wrote a post awhile back reflecting on this same thing…thinking about how someday I know I'll miss the craziness that is being a stay at home mom. I even mentioned the ladies in the supermarket. ๐Ÿ™‚ You have such a great way of writing what we all deep down know to be true!

    http://kennyanderin.blogspot.com/2009/04/i-suppose-someday-ill-miss.html

    Reply
  30. Anonymous says

    September 22, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Thank you for writing this! This is part of the reason I stepped away from my blog, at least while my little ones need me so much, round the clock. It's not that I couldn't do both, but not always with that feeling of absolute peace you mention.

    Meredith

    Reply
  31. Cara says

    September 22, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    Thank you so much for this post today! I look around at all my mommy friends and sometimes wonder if I should be doing "more" (working part time? working from home? more volunteer work?) with my time, but I know I would regret not being able to enjoy this time with my son. Life as a SAHM is crazy enough already! Even though we have to make some sacrifices for me to stay home, I wouldn't trade this experience for one minute.

    Reply
  32. Amz says

    September 22, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Beautiful pictures and once again a lovely post, very well said. It is amazing to me that we all seem to have these little old ladies stop us in the store and tell us the same things….maybe it is time we listen.

    Reply
  33. Jaimie says

    September 22, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    This post really inspired me. I am a SAHM and I am finishing up school right now and things are tight because of it, but I feel that if I don't finish, I will regret it. This post just reminds me so much more of what I am trying to accomplish.

    Reply
  34. Jessica says

    September 22, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    Thank you for your sweet honesty. I've been struggling with those same feelings. I don't think it's a coincidence that I read your post today ๐Ÿ™‚ nor the billboard that read "Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous". Thank you so much and enjoy those little ones – they are precious!!

    Reply
  35. TaDa! Creations says

    September 22, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    Wow! This is exactly my story too. And actually my best customer sent me the link to your post telling me I made a GREAT decision in "retiring" too. So sweet of her to say even though I know she really misses my work.

    I haven't regretted the decision to bring my focus, and most importantly my time, back around to my family and my marriage, one bit. It was so freeing.

    Thanks for a great post!

    Reply
  36. Amy Makechnie says

    September 23, 2009 at 4:01 am

    Sarah, different topic but wanted to thank you for the Picasa tutorial. Took me a LONG time but finally got the banner I wanted. Thanks! I'm blogging at maisymak.blogspot.com. I've really enjoyed your work and your viewpoints on motherhood.

    Reply
  37. Maria says

    September 23, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    Thanks so much for putting words to what I've known in my heart –

    Reply
  38. Emily says

    September 23, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    You are wise beyond your years!

    Reply
  39. cable says

    September 24, 2009 at 9:42 am

    You are very creative person and your language is up to the mark in this post. All the images in your post is looking so cute i like the first one a boy standing on a chair. That is awesome.

    Reply
  40. Unknown says

    September 24, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Can you post some pictures of your kitchen cabinets and you kitchen in general? I saw a picture of one of the cabinets on this post and am thinking of ordering new ones and I really like yours!!! Thanks! -Brittany

    Reply
  41. Anonymous says

    September 25, 2009 at 11:27 am

    What a refreshment! I'm the mother of four beautiful daughters, with one child on the way. I'm home full time, and like you, I had to make the choice of what would get my time. It seems it's a battle I fight constantly, even when I'm always here, so thank you the reminder, and the fresh perspective. –Cheri

    Reply
  42. Anonymous says

    September 27, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    Your post caught my eye – I am a faux finisher as well- didnt start my company or career until the kids were in school full time, but it STILL is a huge balancing game. I often feel that no one understands all the time and effort required, with this type of work, behind the scenes. Kudos to you! I love your story, your family photo is lovely, I can't imagine the challenge of trying to be a mother to 5 children, a wife and then working outside the home as well. Nothing worse than regrets…..

    Reply
  43. Anonymous says

    September 27, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Thanks so much, I came across your blog through another it is a blessing. I am a writer but just have been wondering why I am not writing. This helps me know for sure, the reason is because I love spending time with my family most of all. The years are flying by. I want this, the words will come in their own season

    Reply
  44. Kate Riley says

    September 28, 2009 at 4:05 am

    Your posts just speak to me at the right moments. I get all teary, and thankful at the same time. Thankful for the precious gift of beautiful children, and the fleeting glimpse at their lives. Thanks, friend.

    Reply
  45. Bobbidee says

    October 5, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    I found your blog from Erin's and I am so glad I did–it is Fantastic and I will have to come back when I get a few more minutes. Love what you said and how you said it. Thank you!

    Reply
  46. katie says

    October 17, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    I am teary, this is so timely for me right now, just skipped over to your blog from a link at the the small notebook. Take care and thanks for the reminder.

    Reply
  47. Anonymous says

    November 7, 2009 at 7:30 am

    Loved what you said… excellent, brilliant…

    Reply
  48. turnitupmom says

    January 4, 2010 at 3:00 am

    This is a powerful message and sincerely appreciated from a mom who left a teaching career to savor the small moments. Thank you for the affirmation that I made the right choice for me and my family.

    Reply
  49. Twin City Organizer says

    July 16, 2010 at 4:59 am

    Thank you for this. I just stumbled upon your blog and I am loving it. I also stay at home, have 3 young children and can relate to so many of your posts.

    Reply
  50. Rachel says

    August 21, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    I'm slightly addicted to your blog. I've been reading through old posts (just found you a month or so ago) and love them! I have to comment here: I also had a little business while I was pregnant with my third, and then while she was a newborn. I was pretty passionate about it and, to be completely honest, thrived on the status it gave me as a small business owner. However, I was also literally dizzy from lack of sleep. And when I finally examined my heart, I realized I hadn't felt truly happy in months. So I made the hard decision to just let it all go (a timely computer crash helped) and man, it was like a huge weight had lifted. I love being with my (now) four babies with a whole heart & mind!

    Reply
  51. Dixie Redmond says

    December 27, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Beautiful. And I love that way of deciding whether how to invest your time. It is hard to live a life and not have ANY regrets. I regret we didn't get Christmas lights up outside this year. Did we miss an opportunity while our kids are young enough to be enthralled with lights? Or was it better to have a bit more peace at home during the season, without the extra bling. There are always choices to be made. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Dixie

    Reply
  52. Lisa says

    December 7, 2011 at 2:45 am

    Beautiful. Such a reminder. I am really struggling as a new mom to three and this resonates with me so much.

    Reply

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Sarah Turner

When our first baby was placed in my arms I knew there was no place I wanted to be other than home with him every day. Twenty five years, and five more babies later, (six children, now ages 26-8), I still feel the same. I blog here about motherhood, how to make a house a home, easy recipes, and simple living. You can read more about me here.

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Nothing pretty, flashy, or spectacular. Just an o Nothing pretty, flashy, or spectacular.  Just an ordinary Monday morning breakfast counter after the kids leave for school.  Because ordinary gets the short hand in our culture but really it's extra special. 
It's a symbol of unselfishness, contentment, prudence and gratitude.  There is a certain peace about the ordinary.  It's the opposite of temporary-it holds the joy of contentment and gratitude and prudence all in one hand.  It's lends itself toward peace, and a settling in, not a constant search for more or less or anything.  Ordinary is authentic and good enough- in short it's a gem in disguise. ๐Ÿƒ
I love my home and I hope you do also. With all t I love my home and I hope you do also.  With all the imperfections and maintenance it requires, when I pull up and walk in I want to stay, to relax, to feel safe, for daily life to be easy, and to care for "home". I want simplicity, ease, convenience.  To me when my home is simple, without being filled to the brim of things that just take up space I love it best.  I hope if you've participated fully or even partially as time allowed in 40 Bags in 40 Days you've found that joy and pride in your home.  I plan to share more little challenges and tips as the year proceeds to trouble shoot areas and keep maintenance effortless and the house love flowing.  Daily life in our homes should bring us joy and ease while we care for our families, we should be thoughtful stewards of our money and of our time and simple living is the answer to that. 
Thank you for participating! ๐Ÿก
I think this is one of the best things about the 4 I think this is one of the best things about the 40 Bag decluttering process.  When I know what I have and have removed all that I don't, it cultivates more discretion and caution about what I bring back in.  I think there is also some realization of how much money is wasted on fads, or thoughtless purchases.  It's quite eye-opening.  I've become so much more careful, and find we all take better care of things, as do my children.
The final week of 40 Bags in 40 Days! I've tackle The final week of 40 Bags in 40 Days!  I've tackled all the areas of my home with exception of my oldest daughter's room (not the photo)- which she is excited to work on this week.
The simpler the room, the easier it is to clean an The simpler the room, the easier it is to clean and straighten up.  And then the more enjoyable it is to actually sit in that room.  It's not a hard equation, all it takes is ruthless purging-and not just little things but larger items also.  Functional furniture is the key and very few decorative pieces especially when children are in the home, makes life so much easier. 
๐Ÿƒ
As we head into the last week of the 40 Bags in 40 As we head into the last week of the 40 Bags in 40 Days Challenge I'm hearing from so many of you what a difference it has made in your appreciation of your homes, a certain contentment, and at the same time a thrill of looking in on the organized kitchen, closet and living space.  I agree!  I love purging, cleaning and organizing a space and then going back later that day just to get that wonderful sense of accomplishment.  It makes such a difference! 
๐Ÿƒ
A lighter, fresher, calmer home is the result of de-cluttering.  I even had a participant who had been planning on listing her home, start 40 Days just to get her house ready to sell, and then was so ruthless in the process and also thrilled by the results that they decided to stay put in what seemed like a new home to them.  What a savings of time, money and energy. 
๐Ÿƒ
Next week I will be talking maintenance and answer all questions! โ˜€๏ธ
Tips For Shared Kids Rooms- This bedroom has seen Tips For Shared Kids Rooms-
This bedroom has seen every configuration possible.  With kids spread out 18 years apart, I've had to be creative over the years-which I think is the key to sharing rooms.  It is all possible-I consider it a rare luxury and privilege to not have to share a room although I know that is not the norm today. 
๐Ÿƒ
I like to create a simple look with white furniture (this ends up making room transitions easier also when moving someone out and someone else in.) I also like to match bedspreads for a cohesive look. 
๐Ÿƒ
Clip on bed lights save space. 
๐Ÿƒ
A simple shared book shelf can hold a child's special books and knick knacks and if necessary can be assigned per shelf.
๐Ÿƒ
When my kids were younger I had my dad build me a large wooden roll out box for under each bed.  This held each child's toys. 
๐Ÿƒ
All clothes are kept in a closet instead of dressers to save space.
I feel like I bailed on everyone following 40 Bags I feel like I bailed on everyone following 40 Bags progress and tips.  My excuse is the stomach flu ravaging us all here in the last week with me being the last to fall and the slowest to recover.  On top of that the weekend before I tried to roller blade (don't even ask how many steps I made it) and majorly bit it.  Thankfully I think I just sprained my arm. So I've been using one arm for nursing sick children back to health, and doing whatever cleaning and cooking and straightening I can do.  Alas, last week was a wash.  We have two weeks to go.  I'd like to continue and end on a high note.  How about you?  Even a little de-cluttering counts! Spring is in the air and I can't wait to throw open my windows and let fresh clean air circulate through my fresh clean orderly home. โ˜€๏ธ๐ŸŒท๐ŸŒฑ
Especially where kids are concerned- we tend to th Especially where kids are concerned- we tend to think that the more things they have the happier and more occupied and loved they will feel.  Nothing can replace human interaction and I've found that too many toys has the reverse affect.  They cause overwhelm-just like us - we'd rather sit in an orderly space than one filled with too many things to do and too much stuff.
โ˜€๏ธ
When it comes to kids closets here are some tips-
1. Hand me downs don't all have to be received.  Or received at all.  Be choosy and keep just what they will use and need.
2. When children are presented with too many choices, tension and acrimony can exist.  Being able to open a closet with a reasonable amount of outfits can create more peace.
3. Cultivating independence in care of clothes is easier when there is less and the space is simplified and organized. 
โ˜€๏ธ
More tips coming on the blog this week.  I am moving my blog platform so I can't make any promises - it's under construction and that's exciting!
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