I've been asked about Facebook before-my rules, when I let my children get accounts, etc. I will tell you what I think about it the whole thing and then you can take it or leave it.
Where teenagers are concerned Facebook can be a cesspool of innocent and not-so-innocent teenage mistakes displayed for all to see. I think if these kids look back on much of what they ever posted as teens, including those queer little teenage-angst excerpts of love songs, they will cringe and run to us one day as adults and say, "Why didn't you stop me?" I say-"Oh, please, stop them!" They will be mad at you-oh, I know that for sure-but do them a favor and save them from themselves. Think of YOU having to access to Facebook as a teenager. I can't even imagine the stupid things I would have posted. The things I would have written, the pictures that could have been and would have been posted, the immature and irresponsible thoughts in my head being typed out on a screen for all my "friends" to read. And then seeing "friends" at parties, or movies or dates you weren't invited to. Geez, put a knife in that insecure, sensitive teenagers heart and twist it a few times. What fun! I feel that ulcer I was working on in high school coming back.
I hear so much about the dangers of Facebook for teens-giving strangers access to information, befriending some weird man that could be a stalker and then (and yes, I know this has happened a few times) meeting him at the local 7-11. But to me, all this hoopla about the "dangers" of Facebook is the usual knee-jerk reaction to some highly unlikely and rare but dramatic occurrence that gets all of us parents concentrating and worrying about the WRONG thing. Sure it's important to know why you shouldn't meet strange men you befriended on Facebook at the local 7-11, but take a walk on your teen's Facebook account, and let me tell you-the real danger isn't what you think it is. It's the risk of viewing and displaying for all to see, images, words, conversations that these teenagers can never take back.
I let both Abbey and Isaac their 8th grade year have a Facebook account. I'll never let my younger kids start that early again-mostly because I believe more than ever that it's such a terrible waste of time, but also because it was way too much work for me to monitor. I think there is pressure and hurt feelings (expecially among the younger junior high group) and things I really don't think they are ready to read and see. I have regretted my decision and have revoked the privilege at times, but mainly I have talked their ears off about how I feel about it, and I know this has made them step back majorly from Facebook use and see the crazy in it.
But here's the most important thing: If your child will or does have a Facebook account, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get on it and read it all. Violating privacy? Oh, that's not even an argument with me. There is NO privacy on Facebook. It is unfortunately, NOT a locked diary. I can and do make assumptions about what mothers don't go on Facebook. Scantily dressed photos of their daughters are posted in their daughter's profiles-butt and chest sticking out, lips pouting sexily. (I can't even begin to tell you at the shock I've caused my poor old eyeballs when looking at these young teenage girls' photos. Holy moley.) Pictures of teenagers drinking or obviously either drunk or partying hard. Posts about drug use. Posts with terrible language. Posts that are derogatory in terms of the opposite sex. Posts linking to inappropriate or just crude videos. Posts about piercings. (Look at us, we got our belly buttons pierced together! Here's a sexy photo of our bellies with our pants pulled down to right above our crotches!) I wonder-are they that confident that their parents will never see that photo? (I don't want to even think of the alternative-that they are that confident that if their parents do see that photo, they'll have no repercussions anyways!)
These kids-they are KIDS! They aren't adults-although they should be learning to make good decisions, to think about others, to AND THIS IS IMPORTANT-realize that things they say and do-the way they present themselves- are NOT easily forgotten, and have consequences-some of which last a lifetime. Guess who is supposed to teach them those things? It's not a new concept but you'd think lately that it is-THEIR PARENTS. US! So if we turn our heads, stick them in the sand, use that old "privacy" argument", are afraid of not being on their good side, want to be the cool mom, it's quite obvious to me that the learning curve will be long and hard. And downright embarrassing in today's world. And sometimes even worse.
I think (I hope!) Facebook has seen its heyday. Jeff has a theory-a trickle-down effect of trends-starts with the cool college kids, high school kids latch on because they can't wait to be like the cool college kids, then junior high kids are next, and then-horror of horrors-cool PARENTS (ha!) start using/buying/wearing that trend and it all comes to a screeching halt because nothing is more dorky than seeing your parents using/buying/wearing the same thing YOU are. Isn't that hilarious? I think it's right. Honestly, I am thinking Facebook will be dorky by the time my younger kids would be old enough to use it. Will there be something in its place? Maybe, but lets just hope its replaced with common sense. Meanwhile, I say hold off until you think your children are mature enough to handle it, and then add 5 years, (or say no altogether!) and if you decide to not heed my advice (like I didn't), then take an hour every now and then and snoop to your hearts content. You will learn more than you ever wanted to know-but everything you should.
Here's an excellent (extremely well written) blog post from a teenager's point of view---how Facebook made her feel and why she quit cold turkey. I love love love it. (And truthfully, I think we can all relate to this no matter what age!)
56 comments:
GREAT POST!!! ~ Barbara
Love this. I am one of those moms that has not taken the time to snoop around my girls' facebook boards.That's going to change.
P.S. That new pop up ad on your blog is so annoying! I couldn't even read half of a couple of paragraphs.
I enjoy face book. All of my family is out of state and for me it is not a time waster, but rather an easy way to keep in touch with my family in Utah and my husband's family in Connecticut (we're in Florida). I can email, post pictures and see recent family and friends pictures and honestly it is not a 'time waster' for me but rather a 'time saver'! Of course, I'm a 35 year old mother of 3, the oldest of which is barely 9 and has no interest in FB. I'm sure when I cross that bridge I'll understand your perspective.
Sarah...I'm giving you a huge high five right now and you couldn't be more right on with your comments and assessment of Facebook. Yes, I have a "Crackbook" account because 3 of my 5 children have Fb accounts and I'm not about to leave until they all decide it's a waste of time.
What a GREAT post! I have always felt that teen's have no business on Facebook or on any other social network sight for that matter. I feel too many "COOL" parents want to be like their teens excepted and noticed! I have an acct only because I got talked into it I am not addicted and log in about twice a month and when I do,I am appalled at the behavior of some adults posting pictures of themselves with alcohol at bars and putting " TGIF " or " this one's for you" on the caption how ridiculous is that?... I also think there is plenty of fb "envy" among many adults with posts like " My husband is the most wonderful man in the world , he just bought me a vacation to Paris" come on really do you have to post that really?...
I think you are doing an amazing job with your kids!
I say if they want privacy they need to get a job get their own place and pay their own bills!
Oh my, I sound like my mom and dad! Thank god for that...
Dead on.
I can't even imagine having a Facebook account as a teen. I couldn't even read my private journals from thn because I was so embarrassed about the way I thought/said things then. Threw them all away years ago. Sad.
I always tell people if they ask why I don't use Facebook that there was a reason I didn't stay in touch with those people the first time around. If the person is important enough to me (family that lives far away) I make the effort to communicate in other ways that sets them apart from anyone else.
Thank you for your time and thought with this blog....I really appreciate your insights.
I did exactly as you did and joined FB because our daughter had asked to, and I wanted to keep an eye on her. As it turned out she decided for herself that it was all a bit silly and only really uses it if she wants information about school etc, because she knows someone will be on to answer her.
I ended up making friends with a group of like-minded people by following an author page, and two years later a group of us, from many countries, will be meeting at a festival in the late summer that celebrates the author's work.
FB, like anything, is fine if you use it sensibly. I'm sure the same people who would happily meet a stranger are the same people who would have gone home with someone they met in a cafe or a bar. It's all about common sense. I agree that some children do post unwisely, but then so do many adults. With or without FB I suspect these same children would get very little parental guidance.
I have a 7 th grader and I did let her have a Facebook account this year. She is a straight A student and gives me zero problems! In a way, I felt she was extremely responsible, I knew her friends so it was not a problem. I gave her the ground rules and if I found those rules were violated, bye bye the account would go! My biggest pet peeve are those stupid duck faces this generation seems to make in every pic!
So far no problems!
Great post!
I'm hoping facebook will be gone by the time my children get to an age where they want an account. If it's still around I will definitely be checking up on them.
I used to have an account, but deleted it a few years ago because I thought the whole thing was incredibly stupid, plus I was so peeved with them changing their policy re photos without telling anyone (even if they later changed it back), and I was horrified by what the teenage children of friends (who I had friended on fb) were putting out there. We kept missing out on adult social events though, only finding out about them after the fact. When we asked people about it, the answer was ALWAYS "but we put it on fb...". So we reluctantly rejoined last year, but neither o us are very fond of it.
LOVE this post - I do have a FB account, but don't use it that much. I opened it to prepare for when my kids would want to use it. I've decided after seeing the insanity posted on there to hold off as long as possible because I couldn't agree more with you. And honestly a ton of ADULTS post awful things - pointless things, links to awful stuff, and so many moms say just terrible things about their kids or motherhood in moments of frustration. Just imagine how those kids will feel if they read "can't wait for these kids to go back to school and I get my house back - tired of my kids" - seriously, that is what someone posted! Yeah, we may all feel that but post it for eternity?
thanks for putting this out there! I'd also suggest parents are careful about cell phones and texts. I can't even tell you how many parents have said their kids are upset about a text sent to them by a friend who was angry - things a kid wouldn't say face to face or on the phone, but its easy to text. I don't have unlimited text of my teenager's phone - this makes her text intentionally vs just because she's bored or feels like it. Another thing I have found I needed to educate my kids on which I hadn't thought about - chain emails! After a tearful child came to me with a horrible chain letter (if you delete you will die type of thing) and they saw that I didn't perish when I deleted it, we had a nice heart to heart on it and I also informed the school internet educator that along with cyber bullying, they really should touch on chain emails, which when done via regular mail are ILLEGAL! of course, we set the examples with our kids - don't forward chain emails ourselves, don't constantly text, don't post on FB about every silly little thing...
I don't have an account, and most likely never will. My husband asks, "why would you want to air all your dirty laundry in public?" Our girls, yup, both have accounts. Have since 8-9th grade year. And yes, MOM has always had the passwords. We told them, "you want an account, we get the password! When you leave for college, you can change it. If you're not responsible enough by then, well...you get to deal with the consequences on your own!!"
The BIGGEST problem with FB is the PARENTS of those kids with accounts. PLEASE monitor your kid's account. The simple fact that some kids put the pictures they do on their accounts just SCREAMS...look at me, I can do whatever the H E Double Hockey stick I want!! The fact that they are so OPEN and BOLD about it (knowing there are SOME parents who will see) is what scares me the most.
And, there are A LOT of consequences. Colleges DO look at pages, Employers DO look at pages...and if you THINK they DON'T have access you are WRONG!!!
The old, friend of a friend of a friend...they have ACCESS!
I shared a house with 3 brothers growing up...one phone line...no cell phones, no laptops, no FB. And, as much as I hated it back then...I'd much rather it still be that way. Back then we had to talk "FACE to FACE".
Bottom line-Parents need to PARENT, you are not your child's FRIEND!
I have a 16yr old step son and I have always checked his account. I too am SHOCKED by these girls and their pictures! Girls positioned on beds so that they look like they're not wearing pants... could go on and on. A neighbor just posted about taking her 9yr old to get her ears pierced for her 10th birthday FOR THE 3RD TIME, as in, 3 holes!!! Again, shocked. Last night I was talking to my dearest friend about her 7yr old getting teased in school (Catholic school no less) because she doesn't have Sperry school shoes. I am SO sad for the youth of today and the push to grow up. But, even more sad that it's all because parents are dropping the ball. My kids will no doubt think I'm horrible and dorky for standing my ground and to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks for the reassurance!
Thank you for this post...my 7th grader does not have an account and this is why...according to Facebook policy you have to be 13 to have an account. Call me a rule follower, but I can not allow my child to enter a fake birthday in order to access FB. I just feel like that is saying lying is OK in certain circumstances. When she turns 13, we will address the subject and decide on an individual basis if she is ready to handle it..and yes ...mommy and daddy will have passwords!!
As a 40 year old, I have seen my same ages peers pose provacitively and participate in drama, so if adults have trouble participating in fb, I can't imagine how teenagers can fare with problems. My fifth grader reports several of his friends have accounts, but he hasn't asked for one yet, so I haven't had to say no. But I will! Thanks, Sarah, for your insight. Always thankful for your wisdom.
Great thoughts. Facebook is addicting for me. And I have 37 years of maturity behind my belt. Sad that teens have to deal with it... Makes me long for the old days, sitting in the kitchen talking on the phone (bc it was the only phone in the house and it was attached to the wall) was the only way to connect with friends from school when I was at home :)
This is very smart! I'm 28 and have had Facebook since it came out when I was in college (you had to have a college email address then and the networks were very small - not all colleges were invited).
I find myself wasting time on Facebook ALL the time and I'm trying to cut back. Like you, I'm so glad that it wasn't around in my middle/high school years. AOL came out when I was in elementary school and that was ugly enough.
I always think that 20-30 years from now, all of the presidential candidates are going to have to answer to pictures they posted, things they said, etc. on the Facebook during their youth. Once you put it out there, it doesn't go away!
Thank you. Tonight at our house we are having a big talk about this. For us though, it's chatting on iPods, not facebook that is a problem. With facetime and TextPlus, very young kids (our daughters with the iPods are 10 and 12) can chat constantly with their friends. I think this is what is going to replace facebook for this age.
We decided last night we are taking all chatting away--they are too young and it is impossible to supervise everything they are typing and reading. Our older daughter was in tears because she just doesn't have the maturity to read the messages without thinking everyone is being sarcastic and mean. She said to me last night "I don't know what tone she is using when she types this." I think it will be a relief to her to not participate any more.
Excellent post! My kids are a million years away from Facebook, but it's nice to know there are other mothers who view it the same way I do. That being said, I think I'm going to take down my account, it's starting lose it's appeal with this cool mom ;)
Once upon a time, I was one of the oldest people on Facebook (true story! it was 2008? maybe? and only 3% of facebook users were over 30 and I was pushing 40). My best friend, who lives many states away, is a college professor and she invited me to join, saying, I have to be on here because if I post class assignments, the kids can't say they didn't see it because I know they are on Facebook all the time. But I'm lonely for someone my age. Join! So I did, and had three friends: my friend, her husband (another professor), and our beloved babysitter. It was really cool watching everyone sign up and being back in touch with people from every stage of my life. BUT--we are grownups. And I have learned to be so careful. I posted something one day, truly out of joy and eagerness to share when my kids did something I was proud of. And several friends cheered them on, and it was great. But my first thought when I woke up the next morning was: ohmygosh, I have at least three friends who are really struggling with their kids and their ability to do the same thing I bragged about yesterday. How in the world must that post have made them feel?! And it was like junior high all over again, remembering to choose my words carefully.
Now I use it as a way to keep up with far off relatives, collect opinions ("Local friends: Comcast or Verizon? Discuss."), and because many local organizations use it for invitations and announcements.
But it will be a long time before my kids get on. And there is no way I will not know their passwords. There was a young woman who was truly hectoring a young man we know--sending provocative messages and posing for truly tasteless photos and posting them on his wall. Then her dad joined facebook and that was the end of that. I am not making that mistake. It was created for college kids and if I could I would make my kids wait until then!
It is the heights of irony...but i shared this on my Facebook page. I am seriously considering going "inactive" or deleting my own page. Luckily my daughters are too young for all this anyway- but I love, love hearing your perspective on this!!
This post is for memegrl, I can so relate! I had a baby the same time as one of my friends from high school did 2 years ago. Our babies were 8 weeks apart and sadly her daughter passed away at 13 months of age. I seriously think twice about posting anything regarding my 2 year old out of respect for her. So I can totally see where you're coming from.
Amen! I'm just a "stalker" that found you through 71toes, but I continue to read your blog because of posts like this. I have five kids, the oldest is 13, and my current answer to "Can I get on Facebook" is No Way! I do have a fb account, but hid everyone except my family and closest friends. It will be a long time, like not until they're grown, before I'll let my kids sit around doing THAT all day. Thanks for the post!
THanks for the input Sarah. My daughter is only 9 and she has friends who have a page already!!!! It makes me sick, just sick. I am saving Bridget's post to show my Zoe someday.
Thank you for this post. My teenage daughter is currently off Facebook due to just not having the maturity to handle it. It has too much freedom of information, too many ways to be hurt, or too many ways to stumble into an unwise situation. We have had more discussions and discipline arise from Facebook than from anything else, so we decided this weekend to just end it.
I am in complete agreement with your assessment. It is shocking what gets posted, commented on, and made into a status update. And as a mom I have learned my lesson; if Facebook is still around when my youngest daughter gets to that age and she wants one, I will wisely say NO!
I like FB, but I don't have teens. I think it is fine and in some cases great for adults to keep up with family and friends who are long distance. As far as putting stuff "out there"...well, that can be an issue for kids who have not reached maturity and don't understand fully the consequences of their actions....but I have to say, not to be rude, I feel the same way about public blogs as you do about FB...I can't believe people post private family matters and pictures on the internet...at least with FB I can choose who sees my page. Just being honest. I do enjoy blogs that give me glimpses into the lives of other families but I would NEVER share photos of my children on a public blog. JMO. I wonder about people who condemn FB but have blogs?
I gave facebook up for Lent last year and never went back, for every single reason you stated.
I am an adult.
And as an adult, I could see where FB was leading me.
And it wasn't good.
My kids will never have an account.
If they want to be in touch with friends, they can call them.
If they feel the need to "chat", pull up a chair to my kitchen table and let's chat.
My door is always open...friends can come over.
If I want to know what is going on with my family, I can pick up a phone.
We all survived just fine without FB.
They day it is gone can not come soon enough for me.
You are so right. FB can be a great tool for connecting with family and friends on occasion, but more often it is just a time suck. I wish people (my "friends" included) would think before they post! Some information was just not meant to be shared in a public forum.
I completely agree, with a couple of additions:
* Limit your child's screen time, including Facebook, video games, phone/texting. Make sure they get out in the real world, talk to real people and do real things. It's hard for grownups to limit their time on FB... think how much time a middle school kid can waste. 30 minutes is our limit.
* Sign in under your child's account. If you only monitor as your child's friend, you don't see everything that is going on. Your child can limit what you see as a setting on their facebook account. So can their "friends."
* From what I can see, FB magnifies middle school angst and drama. I also see that kids are learning how to "market" themselves, and not in a good way. Hence, the slutty photos, swearing, look at me attention grabbing posts/photos.
* Talk to your kids ALL THE TIME about appropriate behavior with friends both on and off screen. You wouldn't walk up to a group of five people and hand only four of them a birthday party invitation. So don't exclude people publicly on FB.
I could go on and on... Thank you for this post.
Great post Sarah! I have a facebook account but rarely look at it. It was fun to see friends from highschool and college at first. Nice to see what they were doing. After the novelty wore off I lost interest. My daughter is just 10 and she asked for a while to get an account. Of course I said no. She hasn't asked lately so I am hoping the desire is gone. I think the fact that my husband & I arent' interested in it helps and most of her friends aren't allowed on it (thank goodness)
I think facebook is just another way we are allowing our kids to grow up too quickly. I agree with what you said about what things would have been like for us if we had it back in the day. I think it's so important to make sure our kids (& us) know that once things are out there they are out there forever. I think that's a really hard concept to grasp.
I haven't read the link to the teenager's blog post but I will. Thanks!
I quit Facebook a long time ago and haven't missed it for a second. It's a major timesuck for me and makes me compare myself to others and then I feel depressed. I am totally wanting to be part of the positive and leave behind the negative.
Sarah!! I love this post!!! Thank you!!!!!!
Sarah,
I love being on Facebook. For me, it has been a great way to connect with out of town family and friends. Harmless.
For my oldest daughter's 11th b-day (6th grade), we bought her a notebook computer. I also opened up an e-mail account and a Facebook account. I knew I would be on line to monitor her, so I did not anticipate any issues.
At first it was very fun, communicating with her on line. She's artistic and very witty, so it was fun for me to see the creative side of her coming out in status updates and photos. She "friended" lots of trusted adults in her life--aunts, uncles, teachers, church leaders. It was good.
My concerns about Facebook started when all her friends started taking "surveys" and tagging my daughter on them. She would get some racy picture of a girl with the caption, "Does Steve think you are sexy? Click the link to find his answer!"
What kind of 11-year-old girl needs to know if her 11-year-old friend thinks she is sexy???? Does she even know what sexy is??
Then she started posting pictures of herself that were not a real version of her--heavy eye make-up, tank tops, short shorts.
Did I mention, she was 11???
That was just the beginning. Of course, every time she clicked on a link, it downloaded all her information on the app (she didn't know by clicking "allow" it would do this.) So then she started getting all kinds of x-rated spam in her e-mail inbox.
And then in her sidebar--thanks to "relevant ads"--she had a steady stream of shirtless "single men" in our city who were "looking for her." All because she listed herself as "single" in her profile.
The last straw for me was when she continued to have conversations with boys on chat, and then proceeded to delete her chat history so I couldn't read what she wrote.
And she was 11. I mentioned that, right?
Like you, it was just too much for me to monitor. Facebook is gone for my children, and I have no plans to bring it back any time soon. My son will be 11 in a few months. There will be NO facebook for him. Or my younger daughter.
Oh, how I regret that decision, letting her have an account so young. I wish I could go back and completely undo that decision.
Thank you for this post. Wish I would have read it a few years ago.
I just happend to stumble across this post while searching thru "next blog". I too used to have access to my daughters FB and played around with it and once she got into college she changed her PW and I got my OWN FB. After 2 years of it, Completed deleted it. you can find it in the help section. easy to do and it gives you 14 days before complete deletion just incase you want to come back. Great Post! I too wrote about my FB experience the other day.
http://lifeawayfromtheofficechair.blogspot.com/2012/01/to-facebook-or-not-to-facebook_06.html
Great post! I couldn't agree more. This just reinforces why I don't let my 14 year old get a page. Thanks for linking up the teenage post. I'm going to have my daughter read it.
I don't have kids old enough to be begging for facebook, but I see the dangers and refuse to get an account for myself, though I'm tempted. Good advice on snooping around and monitoring your kids if they do have accounts.
I think another issue, especially for girls, because of the social and relational creatures they are, is that the trend of being constantly networked socially doesn't allow time for them to be home, with some downtime, quietly just BEING. We all need to just BE sometimes. And so we have a generation of young women who are so busy networking and conforming to what they see on social networking, that they don't really know who THEY are, as their own persons. That, of course, leads to an overfocus on image and how they project themselves, in the time of their life when they should be discovering for themselves what they really like and don't like and what they want from life, apart from everyone else and the trends of the day.
Facebook is really not conducive to that, I don't think.
First off, I totally agree with you, but I have a lot to say about it, too.
I have a 14 year old 9th grade daughter. I let her join FB the summer before high school as I thought the connections over the summer would help give extra confidence with starting high school and it did. She is very mature and gets good grades.
What I can't understand is that Facebook requires that you are 13 years old to get an account. Why do sooooo many parents cave on that?? Just because there are no FB police? I have twins who are 11 1/2 and most of their friends have Facebook accounts....many of them I don't think their parents even know about it. I was a Facebook holdout but recently joined to monitor my daughter...and for Pinterest. I had a loooong discussion with my daughter about all the inappropriate stuff on there.
There is so much inappropriateness on there it makes me crazy. Thankfully, I have noticed my friends with college aged daughters are using it less and less...and probably regretting they friended me (I'm their parents friend...not cool).
I hope it does become obsolete and I would urge everyone to not cave in before they are at least 13 and monitor like crazy until the fad goes away!
(thanks Sarah)!
Love this post. I have a 12 year old daughter. She does not have facebook or any other similar type accounts. She does have a email which we monitor. I don't forsee her getting a facebook anytime in the near future. To me it allows to much access for other kids to my child. It is easier to say/do things on the internet than it is in person.
Just reading Cindy's post above is why our computer access is all in open areas. I want to know what my kids are doing :)
I don't consider our monitoring as snooping because she is fully aware that it will be monitored ;)
A good post that will give one much to ponder. It is not Facebook that is bad, however, it is how the people who use it chose to use it. I have an account and I love it! I don't spend hours there everyday, but I do go everyday. I communicate with family and friends there and even play a game or two. I have grandkids that have accounts and I monitor their accounts along with their parents. I think the real issue here is: Are you being a parent to your kids? If you are, then you have nothing to worry about. Again, good post!
Love this post. Thank you. I have heard the argument so often that it is an invasion of privacy and I feel the same way you do: it is my responsibility - and you certainly know who's parents are not monitoring!! Thanks for sharing - and confirming and validating:) Now I can tell my kids I am not the only Mom who feels this way!
Amen sista! I loved this post for so many reasons. I have a 16 yr. old daughter who has a facebook acct. that I monitor daily. She rarely has time to be on it though so no issues, yet. But, I nag and badger her about the ridiculousness of teen girls on there all the time. So she does know my feelings. I've even written a blog post about teenage girls and facebook. Ahhhhhh, the insanity!
Great post, I can only hope the facebook fad fades by the time my kids are teenagers (they are 2 and 1 month) so I think there's a good chance!
My boys (21&22 now) got accounts in high school- but like you, I insisted on being their "friend". Monitoring is good. It's our job. I learned so much about their friends and outside influences. Made me a better parent. Now, at their ages, they are rarely, if ever on facebook. The 21 year old, a junior in college, has moved on to twitter- all his friends have- because their parents are all on facebook! Love your blog and your whole sensible philosophy!
Some times I feel as though I am the only living person who still has not joined FB. I nearly missed my high school reunion because all the plans were being made through FB. (Thank goodness one classmate decided to send a mass email just weeks before.)
FB is such a wonderful tool for keeping people in touch and reconnecting old friends and long lost relatives. I sometimes wish I had an account so I could take advantage of this tool.
I choose not to join because I work for a police department in a relatively small town and I see so many horrible things that often relate back to social networking and exposure of oneself to the world. It isn't that I'm afraid bad things will happen to me... I certainly know how to protect myself and my family. It's more a moral decision I made to not participate in something that can have such a dark side.
What is that dark side you ask? Well, we are constantly dealing with anything from a woman getting beaten within an inch of her life by her husband who read something on her profile he didn't like, to fraud, identity theft, bullying (this being one of the saddest types of cases), and even human trafficking.
Don't kid yourselves about it being rare that someone goes out to meet a stranger they met on FB. It happens more than anyone realizes, to teens and adults alike! Like I said, I work in a relatively small town and I've seen it happen more times than you would imagine.
Just recently a 21 year old young woman (legal adult) met up with some guy she met on FB. Her mom (who didn't know she had gone away with a stranger) received a call from her two days later. She was at a rest stop crying, scared and wanted to come home but the girl didn't know where she was. She was hiding from the guy and afraid to go ask for help. We had to "ping" her phone to find her location. She was 700+ miles away. We sent the police from that state to find her and hold her until her mom could get to her. Very sad and very scary.
People need to make their own decisions regarding FB. But remember, protect yourselves and protect your children. It very "webby" out there!
Recently did a post on why I, a new mom cut Facebook out cold turkey. It feeds the comparison trap and in this season of motherhood, that's the last thing I need! I want to enjoy this season, because soon it will be over. And looking on to see and compare what other "friends" my age are doing (because we're all in the same season of life--which can be energy-sapping) just isn't worth it.
I'm glad you wrote this. I am Facebook-less because I don't want to give my time to it. But I really value the warnings of people who have caught a glimpse (or a full-length movie) of the dangers in it.
Good for you. My girlfriend is a 2nd grade teacher and had to change her name on facebook because her students were looking her up. Good Lord. 2nd grade!
I have a Facebook account for the same reason you had one, my son. We've both had them a few yrs now, he rarely checks his, I check mine daily.
Yes, to all the things you've said but it's just like anything else, you can control it. We don't accept friend requests from anyone we don't know personally. Anyone who posts things we don't want to see or read we unfriend. That leaves us friends with only people we really care about & know well.
I'm 45 & have reconnected with my youth pastors, college friends & high school friends on FB. I've also become closer to my long distance family because we can as a group talk daily & share things as a group. You can decide who sees what.
I also use it alot through my church. It's been a great way for our small groups to keep up with each other without having to contact each person individually for every small thing..not private things of course.
Still, be careful what you put online no matter where it is. Many employers do searched on prospective employees before they decide to hire. Something you post in high school or college could keep you from getting a big job.
I always love your posts, Sarah.
I started my FB account when I was graduating from law school. No one outside of college or graduate school knew what FB was at that point. It was like an online yearbook to keep track of where your fellow graduates took jobs, good for networking, etc. It was originally an online yearbook. Fast forward 5 years and I believe its starting to drown in its own insanity.
Its unfortunate for those of us who use it responsibly and morally (to keep up with friends and family out of state and to glorify the things God has done in our lives) that it has gotten such a now-deserved bad reputation.
Like I always say, "hopefully that whole internet thing will have blown over by the time my kids are teens." Ha ha! It's called denial, and I'm sticking with it for a couple more years.
Well said. Many can wish this stuff away, but it is here to stay. My husband and I had a really hard time with cell phones and arguments with the teens until we established the rules (15 and they have to pay for it.) My husband doesn't like all this e-stuff but I have embraced it and decided that it is better to teach them how to use it. My kids are all late to the scene, but they got FB some time in high school. I won't let my youngest get one - even though it seems w/o FB and a cell phone he is excluded socially. It is most important that they learn all the important things you say above. Thankfully the kids have matured enough and I monitor things enough to feel confident that they have learned. We have a lot of discussions about FB "discussions" and how to handle it. This isn't to say they won't make a mistake...they are teens afterall! But it is horrible what kids put on and I think it's an entirely different discussion to say at what point do you, as a parent, let other parents know what their kids are posting!
This is a great post, and solid advice. I have a question for you though - how would you handle close relatives whose parents clearly don't monitor their facebook pages? My husband has twin 14 year old sisters who live several states away. We love them dearly. One doesn't use facebook, but the other does, frequently using inappropriate language and innuendo, and sometimes posting suggestive photos (more, I think, because she thinks they're "cute" than anything else). Is there an appropriate way to get involved, without telling parents what to do or inapproriately taking the place of their parents? They're father, when casually asked about monitoring internet usage in the past, has said "we prefer to trust them when it comes to the internet." Outside of facebook, how, in general, do you set standards for teens visiting your home while also being a warm and welcoming refuge for them? I'd love to hear your thoughts on these questions.
I love Jeff's trickle-down-theory! Social scientists have verified it. That's why Hannah Montana, for example, became cool for 5 yrs old who wanted to be like their 10 yr old sisters. But now the tweens are too cool for it, so it's just the kindergarten set. Yikes!
I read this fascinating WSJ article yesterday about the developing brain. I think it validates your opinion! http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203806504577181351486558984.html?mod=WSJ_hp_MIDDLENexttoWhatsNewsTop
I just had my 9yr old read your post. I cannot count how many of his peers have fb accounts. Mostly for the games but still! I am SO TIRED of the almost-daily discussion about him NOT getting fb yet. After he read every word of your post (and gagged at the idea of "sexy" girls, lol) he doesn't want fb.
YEAY! :) Thank you for being a total stranger who backs up his mom, lol.
i did the same thing. i deactivated my account. i felt that i only felt negative feelings every time i logged on. that isn't something that i feel is contributing to a happy life. i havent regretted it one bit, and i also like to be different and not be like everyone else.
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