First, I have to say, the weeks after Christmas I totally feel like this too. TOO much stuff. In fact, I have already put away some things ('hid' them if you will) to get out much later.
I just read an excellent book called Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids
. It is written by Kim John Payne, a family therapist, who does ONE thing first when he is helping a child. He goes into the home, into their rooms, or play spaces, and with the parents, does a complete overhaul-getting rid of most of the clutter and stuff. They pack up some things for the attic, get rid of broken and what he calls "fixed toys" - toys that can only be played with as they are-no imagination needed, usually molded plastic that is easily broken-complete with batteries and lights most likely. The serenity that follows when kids feel more in order outside-which of course becomes inside-is the starting point.Here's my thoughts:
The less stuff the easier to organize, the easier for the child to clean up him/her self, the MORE play that goes on, the less destruction. I have found this to be 100% true. In fact, after Christmas, when my living room was a jumble of toys and mess, I could see Patrick's behavior eroding and I knew what it was. TOO many choices, no organization-he would flit from one thing to another, never putting things away, dumping things, and just seem agitated. And hey-I felt the same way! I have also found that the way WE treat the space-respectful and worth of neatness and organization-will be the example the kids need in how THEY treat the space-and their toys.
I have a funny childhood memory about that. We had a huge sledding hill at the top of our driveway. It kept us busy all winter long and usually Santa would bring one of us a new sled every year. On the top of our street we had a "bad boy" who would sometimes come sledding with friends-other "bad boys" of course. They would never wear hats and gloves or coats-something that horrify us-and get this-are you ready??? They would KICK their sleds up the hill instead of pulling them up or carrying them up. That, in our eyes, made them even worse than just "bad boys". I think one of us might have copied that behavior once, because I remember getting a very strong message from either my mom or dad that this was NOT acceptable-that we would not ever be allowed to treat our play things-something that was payed for with hard earned cash or given as a gift-with disrespect and irreverence. It was never acceptable in our house to not take care of our things.
SO-I send my children the same strong message. Of course my kids have not been perfect, but when I see something being thrown or played with for the sole purpose of destruction or just dumped for the sake of dumping, I am absolutely all over that behavior and I don't hesitate to send them on one big guilt trip for it (which is usually effective), or to take things away if needed. I don't think destroying or ruining or breaking toys is a "boy thing" and I would not tolerate it. (This is different from just the way boys play with super heroes in heated battles, or build towers of blocks to knock over.) It might take awhile to get the message but once you send it loud and clear, I bet that behavior will improve.
But more than anything-I think the simpler things are kept, the less toys (choices!) they have, the more organized those things are, most of that behavior will naturally eliminate itself. Be ruthless. I think you will find that if you take out 80% of the stuff (not when they are around!) to hide away or throw away or give away, and keep the "good stuff" you (and they!) will find what you are looking for. When I did this at Christmas, honestly, I saw the sense of relief in Patrick's little face and a calmness in his whole being. And when I have done this with my older kids-helped them with their rooms or closets, they LOVE it. Truly, kids have an inner need for peace and calm and simplicity.
What to keep?
Less is more. Just keep repeating that to yourself. Start with a few toys, honestly, and then add things here and there till you feel it is has the max in terms of manageability for you and your children, clean up wise.
Right now in my family room, I have 2 baskets of Duplos, 1 basket of blocks, our Fisher Price vintage stuff, a few balls, maybe 3 games (for Patrick's age-the older kids games are kept up in a cabinet or in drawers in the dining room), 2 or 3 puzzles, Magna Blocks, big zoo animals, a few "hero" guys, a wooden train set and some metal cars/tractor. In our TV cabinet I have a marble set, and a plastic train set, and a car track. He also has a Buzz toy and rocket ship (definitely those "fixed" toys) that he got for Christmas that he is actively playing with right now. The rest of his stuff his up under his bed in a roll away container or in the toy cabinet which is upstairs. Sometimes we will take things out of there, but usually-out of site, out of mind. Now when the days get long, I will switch things around and pull some things out of the toy cabinet-BUT put some things back in also. Sometimes I think little ones need to be "shown" some new ideas to get started-building the zoo animals cages with the Magna Blocks, building tunnels for the trains with the Duplos-that sort of thing. That usually starts them off with some ideas and they take it from there.
We (sometimes just ME-I'll be honest) try to pick up at the end of the day, or maybe I'll do a quick straighten in the morning. But there are some days for sure (you have seen photos!) that I don't get to this, and my living room begins to look messy with toys not put away.
26 comments:
I love this post! I'm all about less is more. We are actually staying in a small house and getting down to the basics. I'm loving it. :) Love your blog...haven't been in a while and so glad I stopped by. (cat, www.catdmoore.com)
My home is a horrible mess, toys everywhere and i think you are right: less is more, so tomorrow I will go to buy some storage boxes and at Anne's nap time I will make some "cleaning".
Thanks for your ideas and advises.
Belén (http://perfectionmaybe.blogspot.com/
Loved Simplicity Parenting. I always say "less is best.". Last year we moved into a house with a large linen closet at the top of the stairs. We use that closet which is near the kids' rooms as our sole toy storage. They know that toys can come out to be played with anywhere in the house but the basket or container needs to be returned to the closet. I use the top shelves for toy rotation. If it becomes too full or messy, I can easily tidy the mess and decide if they are finished with the toy. At 8 and 5 years old they are staring to be done with some toys.
Thought I would share as it is working so well for my boy and girl.
Decluttering is my New Year's resolution. But I wanted to add that my kids get one TV show every night before bed...and they ONLY get it if the toy room and family room are cleaned. It makes for a no-hassle clean up every night.
This is good stuff...I agree that less is definitely MORE and with straightening up consistently. I don't have kids (yet) but I file away lots of your pearls of wisdom for that time and to help my friends who do have kids.
Great book and great post! Preach it!
I have a question about discontentment with kids....mostly older kids. What do you do after Christmas when your kids come home from the neighbors or school and say so and so got an ipad or iphone, or this or that? My kids aren't all bent out of shape about not getting these things, but they do mention them and it makes me wonder what is going on in their head. We had a nice Christmas, but every gift we gave was under $50. What are your thoughts?
You are speaking to my soul sista! I have never posted comments on any of the blogs that I follow, but post after post, you are speaking my language! We are definitely the minority, so it is difficult at times to stay true to our inner voices - that's why it is so re-assuring to be able to come here, read your posts and feel validated! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Love your posts too Sarah! My children are ages 16,15,13,12,4 and 2. I definitely need this priciple in our lives.
This is such great advice, and makes me feel better for stowing a lot of my boy's toys away for another day. He really only plays with so many every day, and the idea that your son did better with less around makes a lot of sense. Don't we try to do the same for ourselves when we take a vacation "away from it all" or a quiet retreat?
Thank you!
This is exactly what I am striving for. I am naturally a pack-rat but also a purger. It's an odd combination but I want to lean more towards the purger. I'm expecting my second child in July and hope to clean out a lot of MY stuff (my 11 month old daughter has very few toys) to make me less stressed...which means the kids are less stressed.
Yes! I agree completely with this post! I went through each kid's closet and did an overhaul a few weeks ago. I still look and see things we can probably get rid of. I am going to read that book, sounds interesting. We always say living with less is best. I truly get stressed and anxiety when things start piling up and there's no order and it looks like Geoffrey the Giraffe threw up in our living room! Sarah, you and I are a lot alike :)
I love this post! Mine are grown now (18 and 22) but I remember they were always "calmer and happier" when things were in order and they didn't have toooo many choices. They were expected to keep their things picked up and treat them kindly, otherwise they got put up until they could do so. I knew my girls took it to heart when friends would come over and take things out, throw them all over and then leave without helping clean up...my girls thought that was the worst thing EVER! Even in their teens they functioned much better with things in order.
Great tips and I truly agree. I just wanted to add that I read a blog post that suggested that kids of all ages are good "runners". I clean up the kitchen (our hub) often throughout the day and my 4 year olds have been taught how to make their shirts into a bowl of sorts and carry things on their little tummies to their rooms. They think it is fun and a rolled up shirt can hold lots of blocks, hot wheels, etc.
When they were younger they just had to unload them onto their bed but now they put them in the proper bin. I will still admit though that I think any house with kids has it's good and bad days as far as the cleanliness of the home. :)
Thank you! I was in a frenzy when I wrote that...have calmed a bit since. I am very careful about what toys I give the kids because I can't stand junk. But, with 4 kids under 4yrs, there's a constant influx of stuff from friends and relatives. I ordered the book so hopefully there's some peace on the horizon. Also wanted to add for others out there with a storage issue (your home has some awesome built ins that we are lacking)...I went on craigslist and bought a HUGE armoire. It's massive and solid oak and I paid $25...seriously. There are tons on there that are build to fit old style tvs so nobody wants them anymore but are still gorgeous for storage. Who doesn't love cheap?!
This is good advice. Thanks :)
Such great advice, I couldn't agree more. We try to stay away from "fixed" toys as well (love that term, BTW) because by far, the things my boys constantly come back to are the trains, Legos, MagnaTiles, etc.
They were each given a gift card from their grandparents to go to the store and choose something on their own... They both got sucked into the shiny, plastic trendy character stuff even though we gently encouraged them to make smart choices. Not surprisingly, those toys lasted about a week, and are now sitting on a shelf in their closet and haven't been looked at in weeks...ugh. We're now struggling with how to talk to them about that so that they maybe learn a lesson from the experience?
I love your blog. I have younger kids so it's really, really great hearing advice from someone who's been through it. Love all your advice.
Oh, I'm going to love these q&a!! :) I've decided to move some toys to the top of the playroom shelf so there aren't as many choices down below. Love your thoughts and that book sounds great. Have a good Saturday!
Great post. I'm always looking at your house wishing I could be so tidy.
On another note, thought you'd like this article on Jon Heder and Napoleon Dynamite. He really is a good guy! http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2012/01/jon-heder-on-napoleon-dynamite-avoiding-raunchy-roles-and-fellow-mormon-mitt-romney.html
Okay, now this brings up some questions for me. I have three little boys (ages 4, 3, and 1) and I tried the rotation thing... Putting certain toys "away" where they couldn't reach them and only leaving certain toys out. It didn't work. All the wanted were the toys that I had put away. They kept whining and crying and asking for them. I went crazy just trying to get them to play with the few things I left out (aka trains, cars, and dress-up for example). And they still just dumped and scattered. Unfortunately, I don't have any space that they can't see or can't get to. My 4 year old can get anything, no matter where it is, he can find it and find the tools to get it. I would find "put away" toys scattered all over the house and discover he had climbed to the top of the closet and drug them out. Why is it the "put away" toys are the ones they want to play with? So I just gave up the fight and left all the toys out where they could reach. It makes a mess all the time and I feel like I can never keep my house clean and like I'm failing them as a mom because I'm not teaching them - either by example or explicitly - how to clean up after themselves. How do I teach them that, especially when I feel like I'm drowning in housework all the time? Is it just a function of having lots of very small children? Am I a weak mom? Am I doing something wrong? I just can't seem to organize my life in such a way that I can get it all done. We don't go anywhere or do anything because I'm just overwhelmed with laundry and dishes - let's not mention keeping the rooms cleaned and vacuumed, beds made, bathrooms clean, budgeting, meal planning, etc. I've read all your organizational and house cleaning posts (multiple times!) and tried to put the principles into practice but I'm just so far behind all the time that I can't even catch up enough to get there. And my poor kids get neglected all day just so I can do a few loads of laundry and the dishes. How do you keep your house clean AND be a real mom - play with your kids, read to them, give them your time? I feel like it's one or the other... clean house or loved children. Why can't I do both? (Sorry that was really long winded. I'm just having a rough time of it lately. You don't really have to answer....)
Yes! I love this. I have been on a purging mission around my house and just recently did second or third overhaul on the living room toys. I removed 2 sets of blocks (I mean really, we had 3 in one room!) and left stuffed animals, puppets, wood blocks, books, and a small basket of fine motor skill games & puzzles (barrel of monkeys, sewing cards, wooden clock puzzle, shape puzzle, and threading beads). The thing that surprised me the most is that the stuffed animals have been played with almost daily, in more creative ways than before. And because books compromise a larger portion of those options, my daughter has initiated more and more reading time each day.
We have a big stack of paperback books in the basement and I frequently found them scattered all over the floor. They were hand me downs from my mother and many of them were not the highest quality (ex: one book must have come free with a bottle of snuggle fabric softener as it starred Snuggle the bear whose problem was a scratchy blanket, ha) or age appropriate for my daughter. I eliminated over half the books, which immediately helped clean up time at the end of the day. I'll need to be better about jumping in as soon as they get spread on the floor, but so far things are already better.
Thanks again for a great post :)
I find purging and keeping things "simple" to be an on-going battle. It's hard with multiple kids at different developmental stages and different genders. I like to save things from the older kids to use with my younger one.
We are blessed to have a finished basement where I can store a majority of the toys. I don't mind (very much) if they trash it, as long as they do a period cleanup every week or so. Sometimes it gets completely out of hand, and I get a little batty and mean until it's cleaned up.
I let them keep their favorite toys in their rooms, but I do make them pick up their floors before bed, so it never gets too bad.
I have only books in a cabinet on the main floor, which helps keep things very tidy in the common living areas.
My 5-year-old drags out tons of small toys every day. I mean, basket after basket of little figurines and crayons and jewelry and...gosh, I don't even know where half this tiny stuff comes from. I'm learning to have a strict policy of making her clean up one group of tiny toys before she drags out the next. At night, every single thing gets put away.
I love when you answer reader questions. :)
Blessings,
Sandy
Oh I'm so with you on simplicity. We just cleaned out the girls' closets today and it feels SO good.
I love this and I love that you expect them to take care of their toys. I have heard other moms say "Well they are their toys so they can do what they want with them." It's true that the toys were a gift to them, but it's also true that we worked and sacrificed to buy them or their grandparents did and they shouldn't be destructive with their toys. Thank you! I was starting to think maybe I was wrong about this, but your post made me realized I'm not wrong.
Just found your blog and am so glad. This post was exactly what I needed to read today. We are going to start homeschooling my son this fall, and am working on some "problem" behaviours this summer. One of those is flitting from toy to toy, never actually playing with anything. And also just "going crazy" during playtime. He has two little sisters (who are much calmer) so stands out in our family. today I sent him and his 3 year old sister out to play in the sandbox and he spent most of his play time flinging sand. So I set a timer for 5 minutes and told the two of them that they had to actively play with something in the sandbox while following the rules (no throwing sand, ect) and when they did crazy play or broke a rule during that time, the timer would get reset. It seriously took an hour! Not sure what the answer is here, but hoping I get it figured out soon.
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