Questions and Answers: On Staying Positive

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled.  For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

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I had this question from a reader a couple weeks ago:

Your posts are so positive.  Do you ever get down?  Are there

things that drive you crazy and eat away at your attitude?  How do you turn

it around?  I certainly have days like this and do my best to overcome, but

I'm always curious about other moms and I'm always open for new ideas to

push through the hard stuff!

Heck yes I get down.  I call these "ruts" when it seems like there is no reason for being down at all.  I wrote a post a year or two ago on some of my tips I've acquired for pulling myself out of these over the years.  (The cleaning/purging one works best for me, by the way!)

And yes, there are things that drive me crazy and eat away at my attitude for sure!  Just last month I decided I needed to totally scrap my habit of reading the newspaper in the morning and its the best decision I ever made.  I found that daily little walk through the garbage that is published today (about 1% of it actually newsworthy) made me more than just bugged- bitter and angry and despairing of all humanity.

I feel strongly, more than ever, in mood-protection as a mother.  Since we set the tone of our homes, we have a responsibility to know ourselves well-to know if we need to avoid a particular negative person or situation when we feel more vulnerable, and to know what makes us feel content and happy.  

An important disclosure-When I am not at my best, I don't let my crabby, negative self on my blog. I try to be as real as possible on my blog and I hope I don't miserably fail but I owe it to myself, my husband and my children-we are not perfect people-we all have weaknesses, to always maintain and respect my family's privacy when it comes to "letting it all hang out".  That is why it's important to remember that blogging sometimes portrays everyone's life as perfect (or me as always positive?), when no one's really is.  I do want my blog to be positive and encouraging, but I do agree that sometimes my blog and blogs like mine make every family seem like they sing, dance and skip through every day with hugs and kisses and storybooks.  An alternative to positive, encouraging blogging seems to be these snarky (sarcastic, mean, negative, ugly) mom blogs that embrace complaining quite well, and frankly, I hate those type of blogs.  More than anything, it makes me desperately sorry for the children.  Who wants a mom that complains about how much it stinks to be your mother, or puts all your mistakes and issues (no matter what age!) out there for everyone to read?  It is so tasteless to me.  (See, I definitely have things that bug me!!!)  I lose my patience, my kids argue, my husband loses his temper, Sammy the dog rolls in the muddy poop and reeks to high heaven and I call him the d--- dog under my breath,  -we are a family of seven, with lots of different ages, and stages and thank heavens I know this is all normal or I'd be running for my life.  My blog is just a glimpse of every day, and I tend to want to remember the good that happened than the dirty poop dog.

So how do I turn a negative attitude into a positive one?

I'll tell you a life changing moment for me-something that started a new way of thinking in my brain that really does not allow any wallowing.  About 10 years ago, I experienced 2 miscarriages right in a row.  I was shocked and devastated. One of the ways I pulled myself out of that depression was researching everything I could get my hands on about pregnancy loss.  I checked out a book from the library and began reading.  What I read in that book cemented in my mind forever that I always need to know that someone out there always has it much worse than I do.  That may sound crazy-yes, I had a right to be sad, but when I read about women who experienced 12 miscarriages to finally make it to 38 weeks and lose a baby, or when I read about those who tried and tried and lost and lost again and again, only to have to give up because uncurable health reasons, I had this ah-ha moment.  Whatever I am walking through, someone else out there is walking a much harder path-maybe with no support, help or love, all of which is accessible to me.  It made my troubles-no matter what they are at that moment, my worries, my sadness, seem small, almost insulting, in comparison.  

And I guess I use that "logic" with everything.  Maybe I have a sick child, and everything is breaking in the house, my car won't start, etc.  It seems like my mind always turns into 'but what if"---I know that somewhere there is a mother in a third world country who would do ANYTHING to trade my little problems out for hers.  Maybe she has a sick child with no chance of medical care at all, and here I'm complaining about loading up the kids to go to the pediatricians.  She has no broken dishwasher of course-she sends her little children to walk a mile to get clean water and wonders if they'll be safe on the way.  I could go on and on of course in all sorts of circumstances, large or small, and it always seems to serve as a little kick in the bee-hind for me.  I am luckier than heck, and I have no right to complain.  I have an awesome life, truly. 

Sometimes I get in a rut where I keep repeating or dealing with the same problem that provides an open door for a bad mood again and again for days or weeks (or heck, months!).  It's like beating my head against a brick wall...until one day I have this moment where I realize how EASY the solution is, and how crazy I was for not taking the initiative to change what needed to be changed.  I just needed to solve the problem, ask for help, get some advice (and actually TAKE it).  It might be as stupidly easy as pitching the new toaster that I just bought, that chronically burns everything and starts the day out with frustration, or it might be changing my habits (the newspaper) or really putting my foot down on behavior and taking action (like the sniping the older kids can do at eachother) that can turn my mood upside down quickly.  I try to pay attention to what creates peace and ease for myself and my family, and what creates chaos and stress-and then make changes if possible.  Sometimes when I feel everything weighing heavily on me, just writing down what is bothering me helps me tremendously.  The solutions seem to pop off the paper, and my mind just seems clearer.

I feel strongly that being nice and happy is a decision we can make.  It's a choice we all make every minute.  Sometimes its hard as heck to lean towards positiveness and I squeak by or downright fail, and sometimes it seems its easy as pie and rainbows and daisies.  Sometimes all I need is a good night's sleep or a fresh air walk, or a big old fruit salad (with strawberries) and a good book (which is why I love historical fiction that reminds me of how easy we have it today!) to change my mood around.  And those hard days I always try to remember something each of our mothers probably told us-tomorrow is a fresh start.